Letters to the Editor
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@AnnieOrchids
Bless you for going the extra mile and doing something that will mean so much to your sponsored child and her family. This made my day!
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Adoption
I also spent many years and a lot of money trying to get pregnant. It was really hard on my marriage.
I was afraid to adopt. I didn't want to spend another ten years trying to adopt and have my heart broken. I wanted a healthy baby - not a older child nor a special needs child.
I talked with a wonderful social worker who specializes in adoptions and she reassured me that everything I wanted was possible and very probable.
I went with a domestic adoption with an adoption agency in Texas that specializes in Hispanic infants. It cost a lot of money - maybe about 20000 at the time and there were a lot of tedious forms. (There is a generous tax break for adoptions now). I am sure the cost will be more now and maybe you can't afford it.
I got everything I wanted. To this day I am so happy and grateful. I love my son more than anything.
I guess what I am saying is talk to a social worker who specializes in adoption before you decide against it.
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what sfjbc said, plus
Another great volunteer opportunity is the Homework Helper program, through your local public library system. A lot of disadvantaged kids have NO ONE to help with their homework, and maybe their parents are even illiterate. This is a great way to make a difference and do something constructive. Pick out the branch libraries in the "worst" neighborhoods.
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Cary & Beckett
"I can't go on. I must go on." -- Samuel Beckett.
Cary, your response was pitch-perfect. LW, yours was one of the most eloquent letters I've read in a long, long time.
All the best.
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Keep Your Heart Open...
So many people who have gone through the pain of infertility come out of it determined not to go through the pain of adoption.
But parenthood -- however you come by it -- is a challenging, emotional, painful rollercoaster. Whether it's the hormonal ups and downs of fertility/pregnancy, or the emotional ups and downs of a domestic adoption, or the adjustments involved in fostering and adoption of an older child, or the financial/emotional journey of international adoption. Nothing is easy or pain-free when it comes to having and raising children. At the same time, there's such great joy.
Parenthood starts in many ways -- sperm meets egg, signature goes on paper, home study starts. Some people hold out birth as a goal. Others desire parenthood. It's all a hard road -- make no mistake.
When/if you're ready for parenthood, you'll be willing to jump into adoption
But remember -- you will give away bits of your heart throughout the process.
You give away your heart to the baby whose referral you accept, but whose adoption doesn't work out due to reasons beyond your control.
You give away your heart to the special children who catch your eye at an orphanage or foster home, the ones you can't take home, but wish with all your heart you can.
You give away your heart to the poor children on the street of a country you are adopting from -- the ones who, hands out for a few cents, look at you pleadingly...you look at them and think that any one of them could have been your son or daughter in just a few years, and your heart breaks.
But the bits you give away are making extra space for the child who eventually comes to you, the one who is meant to be with you, and you with him/her.
I have a biological daughter, I lost a pregnancy, and we adopted a son from Guatemala. It's wonderful to have my two special children in my life, and the memory of a third. But I can't tell you which situation was harder -- the pregnancy and post-partum, or the lengthy adoption process. Both were intense, difficult, emotional, exhausting -- and so worth it.
Keep your heart open. There may be room to consider adoption...there are so many children who need loving parents.
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this is part of the problem too
Another poster wrote: "blithe assumption that we would have children".
I see this a lot. People figure that even with all of life's unpredictably, THEY will be able to have beautiful healthy children at the exact time they find it convenient to do so. They have a fantasy verion of parenthood in their heads and they feel a strong sense of entitlement about it.
Honestly, I think it would be a lot easier for everyone if they let go of the fantasy and the entitlement. By all means want and hope for children and love them well if you get them, but always be aware that it's an "if" not a "when".
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Please don't give up the dream, just remodel it
I agree that the LW needs to mourn the loss of that particular dream but then I really think they should seriously reconsider adoption. I have a friend who just went through exactly the same things--and is now in the process of adopting an infant, and she is over the moon about it.
My advice to the LW is mourn this "loss" but don't give up. If you really do have the drive to be a parent, please keep in mind that there are millions of children in this world (in the US and abroad) who don't have homes and families. And I don't mean just "perfect" infants, there are older children, or kids who are sick or disabled or just not perfect and their birth parents couldn't care for them. Maybe your biological desire can be turned to an even higher purpose than reproducing yourself: taking an already existing person who has nothing and bringing him or her into your heart.
I've had my "own" biological children and yes, it is a rewarding, wonderful experience. But I wouldn't hesitate to adopt if I couldn't have had them, and we still consider, when we can afford it, adopting a child into our family a possibility. I really hope we can some day.