Letters to the Editor
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A Touch of Care
The Letter today is very carefully written. Every word is written to fit into every sentence, which fits into every paragraphs, which all combined to render really any response ineffective. No offense Cary.
What an irony it is that those who are in the best position to have children: the planners, the careful, run out of time.
I still have time, and I am not an especially good planner. Maybe that means I don't have much to say.
I can say for myself that my step-father is a wonderful person. I model myself after him in every way (even in ways I wish I did not!) because he has always been so careful and reasoned with me, and in his life. I have a deep and abiding respect for him.
It is true that we may live on, when we die, through our genetic children. However, I really believe that we live on in a greater way by touching those close to us, by impregnating (if you'll forgive the word) others with a spirit which is in turn passed on to others around us.
Just so, I am a child of my step-father's soul. And my children, the children of my soul, however they may come to be my children, will come to also be in some way the children of my step-father's soul; his soul will be magnified for the way he has loved me, and been so respectable an example in my life, by the way I will love them, and be a respectable example in their lives.
It is funny that you do not want to adopt, because to me, that is about the most noble and wonderful thing a person can do. It is certainly something I hope to do in my life.
Onward.
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Protest Comment
Protest Comment against not allowing Anonymous comments -- coupled with 'flag as abusive' button which should take care of any problems therein.
(nothing)
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Please Don't Say No: Adopt
You said you can't adopt and without being specific you seemed to suggest that there are a host of compelling reasons that do NOT involve a preference for your own genetic progeny that prevent you from adopting.
Please, just adopt a child. You can do it. You need to do it. It will be good for you. It will be good for the child. You seem to have the heart for it. You have the desire even if you don't realize it. You have the resources even if you deny it. Just adopt. Some would be better off just writing off parenthood and devoting themselves to other worthy life pursuits. You don't fall anywhere near that category. Adoption is the answer for you. There is no other.
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Adopt
I don't mean to be glib - that's just my opinion. I think you think you can't but I think you can. So there.
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My heart goes out to you
I can't ever recall a letter to Cary that has moved me so much. Tears still stream down my face as I write this. I'd wait to write if I thought that they would stop anytime soon.
I'm a realist.I understand timing and fertility and dwindling possibilities. I really do.I also know what it feels like to look at every child with wonder and fascination and yearning and longing- even more so when the crying is urgent and too loud and the noses are snotty or the clothes disheveled.
Despite my logical mind and a constant sense of honest possibilities born from hilly life experience I still feel hope. Real Hope. Hope that even the most insurmountable situations can resolve themselves in ways that were never anticipated or expected... that workout to be ok. Further I believe in goodness and decency and love. I've seen this trio arrive at the least expected times in the most unlikely places.
You have each other. You are together,amazingly,stronger for your sense of loss. But please,don't let this loss define you.
Don't close the doors of your hearts to children. Just accept that right now and in this way is not the way that it is supposed to happen. Be open to possibility while bringing your general focus back to center, to your loved ones, the simple things that make you happy, health, each other and any activity, place or person that brings you comfort and peace.
Please be well. I am sending you both prayers and warm, peaceful energy right now.
With respect,
Jayne
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Other options
A very touching letter. It seems that your decision not to adopt reflects your wish for a genetic son or daughter. I imagine that the problems you have had conceiving have their source in either you or your husband (the likelihood of it being both of you is small). It follows that one of you can conceive. If it's you, have you thought of using a sperm donor? If it's your husband, have you thought of surrogacy?
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Now what and Why not?
I've read all of the responses to date, and I echo all of the sentiments about the sad, heart-wrenching emotions expressed in your letter BUT
When youu finish grieving, I kind of want to slap you and say WAKE UP!
Disclaimer: I am one-half of a childless-by-choice couple but I know two things:
1) There are 500,000 children in foster care in America that never asked for this fate who desparately need a family to love and live in to save their lives.
2) People as qualified and ready as you seem to be ignore the option of pouring all of your love into existing children who need you desparately.
You CAN build that family you dream of by adopting older children - children often left to the system because so many will only "take" infants.
My childless-by-choice husband and I often think about this option, and if we thought we were cut out to do it, we would. but WE are not, YOU are.
You could decide to pour all of your love and energy and dreams into children who, through no fault of their own, are already here and leading lives of despair because nobody wants them. Good, loving, children who never asked for this fate in life but got it - just as you never asked for your fate and got it. I don't do the god thing but sometimes one sees a higher purpose in life and this could be yours.
I sympathize with your sorrow, but, in my opinion, if you do not consider creating your family with children who neeed you (and require no wait or heartbreak because they are older and nobody will "let you down" on adopting them) then you are selfishly living for "my own" or "an infant" and that is just unjustifiable for a couple like you who can so clearly provide much love to children who need it.
So please, get through your grief, take the time for it, and then realize - if it really is NOT all about YOU and your needs, there are so many deserving children in this world that could fulfill your life, while you save theirs, and act on that.
The thought makes me smile, and I hope someday you can see your way through to it too.