Letters to the Editor
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Its like a death
It doesn't make a lot of sense that they're giving up on adoption in light of the fact that their current state of completely giving up is so miserable, and that just the hope and possibility before kept them happier. So I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that the unsaid reason they're not going to adopt is that it wouldn't fulfill the dreams that are currently dashed (what they wanted was their own biological children). And thats ok. If adopting doesn't solve your despair, then it just doesn't and you're at the end of the road. You need to find some other way to work through your despair. I don't have many helpful ideas on that front, I can only say that there's other losses that are totally and completely irreversible, a loved ones death for instance. Its a loss, you accept it and grieve it, and it eventually passes. This may be one of those types of losses.
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You seem like a good, thoughtful person. . .
who was deeply focused on achieving what for so many people is an ordinary life. I'm very sorry that you have not been able to conceive. But I suspect that something extraordinary will unfold for you after you have grieved.
Blessed be.
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when things fall apart
I know of things falling apart. I was a New Orleanian when the storm came through and washed away the city I loved. My husband left me a few months later and over the next year and a half, I watched friends break down, break up, move away, or die. It was one heartbreak after another.
I am now in my late 30s, closing in on 40, still single, living in another new place, rebuilding once again, and wondering about my own baby chances. Wondering about my life in general.
I'm certainly not where I thought I'd be and I don't know where I'm going. But, despite the recurring chaos in my life, I'm okay.
I've taken to heart Pema Chodron's lesson that life is change. We live best when we come to peace with groundlessness. To learn to see what is right in front of us. As she writes: "this very moment is the perfect teacher." And to learn, we must "lean into the sharp points."
But don't impale yourself. Go gently. Take the sabbatical. Go slow. Grieve and mourn. I have lost so much over the last few years (most recently, my mother passed away), and I have learned that there is a well of courage to be found in loss.
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things change
that's about the only given in life, and the one thing that's hardest to remember
How do you know that you and your partner won't feel differently about adoption after a much needed hiatus?
And life happens. Reproduction need not be a strictly biological or legal construct. I agree that we are here to serve; each other and foremost, those who come after us. There are ways to pursue that, even if it's just making sure you smile sincerely at every child you see.
Anyone under 25 needs as many examples of adulthood as possible. Waaaay too many of us are lucky to have one parent on a continuous basis.
As it is, most of the examples of adulthood beyond the one or 2 parents and teachers -- for most kids -- are on television and dvd.
LW ~ There are still many opportunities for you to reproduce.
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Just a thought
"Why when there's so many of us
are some people still alone?"
--Tracy Chapman
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Digging
It is very sad that the one dream you have invested in, so fully, must be let go. The Life you planned to have, thought about, imagined until it was almost real, can not happen the way you hoped. That is heartbreaking. But you know, you both must be very strong people. Because, when you have a dream together you do what ever you can to make it happen. You dig and you search and you try to find a way. What a wonderful skill. You will be able to use that strength to share your grief with each other. And you will be able to heal. Enough. And in the future you may decide to use the love and hope that you have had, for creating a family one way, to do something that is as important. Maybe as others have said, to create a family another way.
I am not a parent nor have I been in the specific place you are in, so I can't fully understand what you are feeling. But what I do share is the loss of some of my biggest dreams and having some of my worst fears materialize. Perhaps it is my age now that gives me the belief that Life is about negotiating between what we want and what we actually have, get, and help create. I know that if I concentrate on loving what I have rather then what I think I "should" have I am eventually able to take whatever Life has to offer, with gratitude and thanksgiving.
My Life has taken so many turns that it has, at times, resembled a ferris wheel with mad cow disease. It is really only lately, when I lost everything due to illness, that I found what was really the most important, for me. I have learned, at a deeper level then I would have chosen, that no matter what happens, no matter how I live, or what befalls me I will go on. And I realized that what was most important for me was not that "it" happened but how I deal with "it".
I insist on not becoming defeated for more then a few days. OK, maybe a week or two. After I have stomped and kicked, screamed and cried, blamed others and blamed God, and blamed myself, I eat a sandwich, take a nap, and then get up and do the next best thing in front of me. And I look for the pony.
I am referring to a story I love. I don't know who wrote it. I'm sure someone here does.
Some psychologists designed some tests for children. In one room they put one child in a room full of toys. After a few hours they went back to his room. They found toys broken and discarded and the child sitting and crying about where he was and how things didn't work right. In a very different room they found the other child with a shovel, whistling, and digging like crazy in a huge pile of horse manure. They asked the little kid what he was doing. And he said, with a smile, "With all this horse-sh@t there has to be a pony around here somewhere!"
I hope after you have done what it is you have to do, you get back up and start looking for the pony. And know that, if you don't fight it, you will find that pony. But, it just might look very different then you expected.
Blessings and Peace.