Letters to the Editor
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It is alright to grieve this loss, it is a big one
As a long time sufferer of infertility I whole heartedly agree with Gary. YOU have suffered a great loss that most people just don't "get". Take time to grieve it, it is a big one. However I you might find that at the end of that grieving process you might have the strength to go on. I say that not just as a person who has suffered with infertility for 20 of the 22 years of my marriage but also as the mom of four kids thru domestic adoption. Whether you decide to build a family or live child free you will never know what is truly right for your family (and the two of your ARE a family) until you feel like it ok to grieve the dream of the family you wanted.
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Parenting Does Not Gurarantee a Sense of Fulfillment
The LW may have idealized the kind of parent she would be, as well as having idealized the outcome.
We all plan to be and want to be great parents, but, in reality, many of us are not that great. Even if we are, there is no guarantee the child will turn out "right". Despite the best nature and nurture, sometimes the child turns out to be a bad person. The only fulfillment in that is knowing you did the best you could, which isn't much fulfillment.
It's easy to idealize what we can't have. For example, I often think of a past lover and I am sure if he hand't gotten away, I would be a much happier woman and had a much more fulfilled life - until I face the reality that he just wasn't that into me!
The LW is going to have to let this go, or her life will be truly wasted. There is much happiness to be had in life without procreation.
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One of Cary's best
So let's say the simple, basic, true thing first: You are suffering.
This made me cry. Nice job, Cary.
LW, I have no advice to add to Cary's response, but my heart goes out to you. You are extraordinarily eloquent in your grief.
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Have you considered international adoption?
Many children need homes. Many slightly older children or kids with mild special needs probably put everything they have into the dream of a family of their own. There may be someone waiting for you--check out some non-profit adoption agencies websites, and make your dream come true.
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Wait to heal some, then reconsider adoption
As a person who had been through the infertility wringer, I can understand that the adoption process may potentially look like more of the same. However, I wouldn't give up yet. Once you are able to come to terms with your infertility, you may be ready to pursue an adoption plan. We were able to adopt two boys--now teenagers. The pain of the infertility trials is now a faint memory.
Good luck in whatever you do.
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I agree with Cary
And I'm whole heartedly against all the well-meaning adoptophiles heaping more of the same suffering onto your plate. The problem is not the thing that you wanted. It is the wanting itself, even, yes, when it comes to children.
A lot of proud parents, and those who would love nothing more, will bitterly disagree with me here. The desire to have children might be a powerful one, but it still just a desire. It not sacred, although it is highly socially ingrained. And, as I think you already know, the lack of fulfillment of this desire does not entitle you to a special, lifetime supply of pity.
When I read this letter, I felt sad for you, but not a special kind of sadness. Just sort of, "ohhhhh, she's really stuck, and if I know this bunch, they're only going to encourage the attachment."
I think you know this and you want to move on but you don't know how. Cary gave you good advice. Take it.
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The solution is simple
1) become foster parents and/or
2) adopt an older child
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Plan B
Several things - grieving is important (and it will probably take longer than a week at the spa) and a process that takes as long as it takes. For me it was 5 years. And after that you can and will find a new dream. What is your choice? If you don't you will go down a path of bitterness and depression. Most of us have to settle for Plan B which can actually turn out to be ok if you have the right attitude about it. Also, there is no guarantee that Plan A would have been the perfect dream you imagine it be. Lastly you can become a foster adoptive parent for no money and with pretty good odds that you will get a child. Most states are desperate for loving people to take care of children in foster care. Talk about doing good in the world!
I went through the whole process to become a foster adoptive single mother and then out of the blue got an offer to live in Munich. Plan C. I never thought my life would turn out like this, but it's good.
It sounds like you have the mental, emotional and financial resources to come through this a stronger person with a new dream. Best of luck with Plan B!
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Find a new dream
I agree with Cary. LW, take some time and find a new dream. It could be a combination of the old dream under new circumstances. You are compassionate with a great hearat and soul. Know this, be good to yourself, and find other dreams which compliment you, your lifestyle, the people you love, and the world.
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It's hard for so many of us.
LW: Mourn your dream & carry on. I will have you in my thoughts, wishing you happy outcomes.
Elizzybec: Thanks for expressing what so many of us, parent or no, have to endure... We don't get that dream baby.
Best, Dee
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New Dreams
Oh LW, what a beautifully eloquent letter, one that expresses what many of us are going through: the loss of a dream. Crying jags at work are not something I make a habit of, but I sure had one today. Cary's advice is right on; take time to mourn, grieve, heal yourselves. With such strong inner resources as you obviously have, you will absolutely be a blessing to those around you. In time, that new dream will come. There's a Joni Mitchell song that talks about that, 'The Circle Game': "There'll be new dreams, and better..." something like that. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story.