Skydiving is a thrilling sport that includes a fair amount of camaraderie. By the time you earn your "A" license (in about 3 to 4 months) you will have probably made some new like-minded friends at the drop zone.

You have a good career. You could probably translate some meaningful part of your work to something related to aid and development. Find something to do in Darfur or Haiti or Burundi or Afghanistan, etc. You will have a lot more danger in your life and you might find others who share your devil may care attitude.

I think it's a fine and dandy worldview by the way. I also think - why not utilize this unique skill to provide a service someone else (like me) would be too scared to do.

I would say to the LW, you're living your life the way you want and as long as it suits you, that's cool. Except that you say, you get along with you parents but you don't want that to be the sole relationship in your life. I think that's the something else you're looking for - friendship, maybe a partner. I sense and sympathize with the frustration of not being able to conjure such things at will, but there has to be a better way of dealing than running away to the desert and not caring if you get yourself killed. I think there are friends out there for you if you would have them. Good luck.

You say you don't mind dying? Fair enough. But what about a slow, agonising accidental death? Or spending the rest of your life as a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, dependent on caregivers for your every need? I bet you would hate it, and would wish you had made other choices. Have fun, but please, hedge your bets. Safety first, m'boy.

Oh God, letter writer, I feel so sad to read what you've written. I understand the numb desolation you feel. I've attracted solitude the majority of my life, the way that the desert attracts sand, it seems, and it's lonely when you haven't chosen to be that way.

Seems like you're balancing the deadness in your heart, for the aliveness of danger. That's kind of familiar to me, for other reasons. I grew up in a strict puritanical family, where laughter and joy were seen as signs of the devil. So I had to go numb to survive my family, and for the longest time I could only actually feel alive by inflicting pain and suffering on myself. They were the only feelings I was permitted.

But for you, why not permit yourself other feelings? I agree with Cary's observation that there's a sort of flat deadness and resignation in the tone of your letter. Underneath that deadness, there's probably deep wells of pain and despair. Sometimes it's better to feel those feelings, even though they cut like a knife and hurt like hell, than to go around with a dull cloud around your heart, that deadens you to either sorrow or joy. The cut bleeds like crazy, then it heals. The Depression Book by Zen buddhist teacher Cheri Huber may or may not be your thing, but it's piss easy to read, with just a few simple lines in hand-written script on the page. And if you're interested in how the mind works, then that can be a Zen thing to follow.

One thing that really struck me were some of the reasons you gave for not having much of a future: "I rent as oppose to own, I have no savings, I'm in debt (student loan and credit card),..... for all intents and purposes, I have no future."

No, sorry, those are fictitious reasons for not wanting to live. They're the manufactured drivel of the materialistic society we live in, and you've swallowed them whole. They're about how other people might view you and find you lacking. Who gives a shit?! You want to live dangerously? Then fuck society's norms about what constitutes success, and become a real person. You just have to figure out how.

Stop hurtling towards paralysis, paraplegia and a life-long dependence on having your nappies changed and swallowing your dinner through a straw. Have fun, even dangerous fun, but don't be a fool. Get real.

It's that malaise that makes me worry about you, LW, more than the risky behavior. If you were trying to kill yourself but had some real passion for it like those crazy guys on TV I would feel OK about you, but you just sound miserable without even feeling anything strongly enough to be miserable.

If you're cool enough to try crazy shit like hiking in the desert for a week, though, I have confidence that somewhere inside of you there's the potential for a vibrant human being capable of living an exciting and fulfilling life, the kind of human being that does care whether or not he kills himself.

I don't know how you can ignite your passion, though. Relationships tend to do the trick for me. When people get me down I rely on my dog (highly recommended, and an excellent travel companion). For you, though, it may be something different--what excited you when you were younger? what classes? what ideas? what kind of music, or art, or sports, or whatever? Can you get back to that place where you were at some point in your life when you approached the world with the wonder of a child?

You are young and exciting. The whole world waits for you. I want you to live, and enjoy it.

I'd be getting your contact from your ISP right now!

You are exactly what they're looking for. In fact, you seem like a guy at the beginning of a spy novel. Maybe they'd train you as an assassin?

Read Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer and then see if you're still interested in pushing your luck.

http://outside.away.com/outside/destinations/199609/199609_into_thin_air_1.html

P.S. You sound depressed and seeing a therapist would be a very good idea.