Letters to the Editor
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Get really real.
Oh God, letter writer, I feel so sad to read what you've written. I understand the numb desolation you feel. I've attracted solitude the majority of my life, the way that the desert attracts sand, it seems, and it's lonely when you haven't chosen to be that way.
Seems like you're balancing the deadness in your heart, for the aliveness of danger. That's kind of familiar to me, for other reasons. I grew up in a strict puritanical family, where laughter and joy were seen as signs of the devil. So I had to go numb to survive my family, and for the longest time I could only actually feel alive by inflicting pain and suffering on myself. They were the only feelings I was permitted.
But for you, why not permit yourself other feelings? I agree with Cary's observation that there's a sort of flat deadness and resignation in the tone of your letter. Underneath that deadness, there's probably deep wells of pain and despair. Sometimes it's better to feel those feelings, even though they cut like a knife and hurt like hell, than to go around with a dull cloud around your heart, that deadens you to either sorrow or joy. The cut bleeds like crazy, then it heals. The Depression Book by Zen buddhist teacher Cheri Huber may or may not be your thing, but it's piss easy to read, with just a few simple lines in hand-written script on the page. And if you're interested in how the mind works, then that can be a Zen thing to follow.
One thing that really struck me were some of the reasons you gave for not having much of a future: "I rent as oppose to own, I have no savings, I'm in debt (student loan and credit card),..... for all intents and purposes, I have no future."
No, sorry, those are fictitious reasons for not wanting to live. They're the manufactured drivel of the materialistic society we live in, and you've swallowed them whole. They're about how other people might view you and find you lacking. Who gives a shit?! You want to live dangerously? Then fuck society's norms about what constitutes success, and become a real person. You just have to figure out how.
Stop hurtling towards paralysis, paraplegia and a life-long dependence on having your nappies changed and swallowing your dinner through a straw. Have fun, even dangerous fun, but don't be a fool. Get real.