Letters to the Editor
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You've got two problems, not one
One problem is that you're unhappy in your current job and can't get out. That's a career problem.
The other problem is personal. While you've stopped the behavior that you felt was wrong (seeing prostitutes while married), you still don't feel absolved from your guilt. The answer seems obvious: tell your wife. Of course, it's not that simple, and I'm sure there's a lot of risk involved. But if you want a marriage worth saving, you're going to have to choose this path. You're not the first person to be in this situation; I'm sure there are books, counselors, etc. out there to guide you.
Making right the personal wrongs in your life will provide you with the confidence, the self-knowledge, and the sense of control to solve your career problems more effectively.
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NO NO DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE
She's probably figured out that you were getting sex somewhere else, and prostitutes might be "better" than an affair. jBut don't lay (so to speak) any of this stuff on her. Trying to fix your state of mind by passing on your stuff to someone else is no fair. Handle your feelings yourself (or with a counsellor).
And, come on, we all have stuff we regret. I sometimes look back on my seven decades of life and wonder if there is much I DON'T regret. But mostly I shrug and reassure myself I did the pretty-much best I could in the circumstances and given my personality. You should, I think, go and do likewise.
And the job thing - you and many, many people at this time.
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The Whole Self
LW, I'm sure there are many things in your life that you're not mentioning in this letter, but may have relevance to your situation. What I'm sensing here is that you're not a problem-solver with sufficent self-respect and motivation to get to better places in your life, despite adverse circumstances.
For example, you say that shortly after your wife developed a medical condition, you started seeing prostitutes. Well. Did you consider, or did you actually undergo, any kind of counseling that would have increased or improved intimacy with your wife? Did you seek out help to see if there could have been some kind of compromise, or perhaps determine that this was a temporary situation? From what you say, the sex stopped, so off you went to the working girls. It's a fix, but not a solution.
I don't know what line of work you're in, but I don't get why you have to work so far from home--unless that's what you really wanted (again avoiding problems in your marriage). You say nothing else about your wife except that she'll be the lucky individual to look after you in your declining years and dotage. So, let's see--she's a "failed" sex partner and a future geriatric nurse. Is there anything else to her? I'd imagine there is.
And even though the economy stinks, I'd bet, from your self-pitying tone, that you've made only half-hearted attempts to find another job.
You haven't screwed up your "karma," you've made bad decisions and have convinced yourself that they're somehow not your responsibility. Avoiding negative impacts is not the same as creating positive impacts in your life. You're not taking real responsibility in your life and marriage, and therefore not avidly seeking real solutions. Maybe the marriage should be terminated, maybe it can be saved, but your passivity does nothing but prolong the problem.
I think you should pull your karma out of your tush and get real regarding your marital and employment situations. Own up to your responsibilities (which are more than just the second salary, no matter how necessary), demand more and better of yourself, and move forward accordingly.
You owe this much to yourself and your wife. The only way to "fix" your karma is to fix your head about being proactive and taking steps to improve your situation, which will in turn improve your self-image and self-respect which, in my view, is largely what karma is all about.
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The Blame Game
Fixating on past bad behavior as the reason for your current run of bad luck removes your responsibility for fixing it. Instead of dwelling on the past and convincing yourself that you are a helpless pawn on the karmic wheel of life, focus that energy on fixing your problems. Get career counseling and a third-party evaluation of your resume and your interviewing skills to improve your chances of getting a better, local job. When you are home with your wife, concentrate on making it an upbeat, loving time for both of you. Consider finding a job in a better city and making a new start with your wife. In short, take your fate into your own hands instead of wringing them in despair.
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Nothing, whatsoever, having to do with Cary's story about himself
OK -- Cary, sweetheart -- I guess you have a story to tell here (subject for Great American Novel, perhaps?) about your indentured servitude at Chevron, and how really awful it was to have a job that was, pretty much, just like the jobs that about 99% of people have (if they are lucky enough to HAVE a job), and for which, most of the 99% of us are grateful. (Also, we don't dye our hair magenta to get out of our jobs -- WTF?)
So...back to the LWs actual problem, which was well described in the previous letter. Your problem isn't your shitty job, though indeed it may be shitty, the problem is you are feeling guilty for doing something really shitty to your wife -- you cheated on her when she was (presumably) sick, because A. you just couldn't live without having regular sex and B. you forgot those stupid wedding vows ("for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health", etc.) I imagine you think that if she knew or found out about how you were paying filthy, disease-riddled, drug addicted whores who have to turn tricks to pay for their crack cocaine, she'd be...I don't know, pissed off or turned off...maybe she'd even leave you.
However, if you don't tell her, the guilt will continue to eat a great big giant hole in your gut.
You ARE being punished, but not by karma and the punishment is NOT that you have a suck-ass job. (Lots of us have suck-ass jobs, and we didn't cheat or do anything to remotely deserve that fate.) You are being punished by your guilty thoughts, and the knowlege that you cheated on a good woman because she had a medical problem.
I'd also like to suggest, as above, that you are not doing this woman much of a favor by cheating on her, valuing her as a sex object above all her other qualities and reserving her, on the side, as a future "geriatric nurse". I gotta wonder if SHE is the one drooling in front of reruns of Battlestar Galatica, will you be the loyal spouse cleaning up her drool, and changing her Depends...or will you bale again? I think that we, and you, know the answer to this question.
Woody Allen nailed this one when he said "The heart wants what the heart wants." Of course, a lot of lousy human beings have hearts that "want" selfish things, to be cared for (but not care back) and of course, they want lotsa sex, on their own terms, and the needs of their partner be damned. (You can consult Mia Farrow for more info on this.)
You don't say, but I am assuming your wife has gotten over whatever condition kept her from being able to have sex with you, and I HOPE you got yourself checked for STDs so you couldn't possibly have infected the poor woman with whatever you have been consorting with while she was "indisposed".
There is no other answer than this one: Go to your wife and honestly tell her what you have done...that you have STOPPED, are incredibly sorry and regretful, and you will NEVER EVER DO IT AGAIN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER...and that includes your wife having the entire lower half of her body amputated. Then beg her abjectly for forgiveness, and hope she doesn't kick your mangy butt out the door.
As far as the job: the economy sucks, but even in a bad economy the way you find a NEW job is to A. apply for jobs, B. send out resumes, C. schedule interviews, etc. If you want a new job, do this immediately. (In this economy, it may take a while but perserverance is everything.) Have you considered perhaps having your wife JOIN YOU (after you have confessed and made up, of course) in your remote location, at least part of the week? A lot of what you are feeling, besides guilt, is simple loneliness.
BTW: nothing, even separation, is lonelier than living a lie. Or feeling utter contempt for yourself.
Also: I wish I could give a better alternative for someone who is cut off from sex with their partner due to illness or disability than "just don't cheat" or maybe masturbate. The reality is that for WOMEN, the option for paid sex with professionals simply DOES NOT EXIST and it never has. An older woman, with a disabled or sick husband, is simply SOL -- and this is the fate of many, many older woman...and honestly they seem to be able to deal with it without whining the way the guys in similar situations do.