Letters to the Editor
-
Brilliant but Flaky
Dudette, Sometimes you simply have to say yes. Doesn't really matter what you're answering, save drugs or all night stands with fifty partners. There is no dream job, there is no perfect situation. Say yes and things will happen. Unexpected things, not necessarily what you planned, but interesting nonetheless. An expression from a 12 step program actually works wonders. It goes like this. You can't think your way into right acting, but you can act your way into right thinking. Just take the action.
-
This is a difficult conundrum
People will accuse the LW of being too idealistic, she needs to suck it up and just get a job, we all hate our jobs, blah blah blah.
But it most definitely should not be ludicrous to really want to have a job that she enjoys. My lovely boyfriend is going through this dilemma right now; I do think he's too idealistic in his job search, but I can also understand where he's coming from. I hate my job. I spend 8 hours a day in a place I hate. I would not want him or anyone else to have to do that because it's really stupid. It's a horrible part of our society that tells us we should do that.
The only problem with the LW's waiting and seeking out something truly enjoyable is that it sounds like she needs money a little sooner than that. Perhaps it's not a bad idea to get a job (not being a receptionist, probably) that will bring in some money until you can find a permanent position. It would, however, have to be something ultimately unsatisfying so that she wouldn't become complacent. I don't know what kind of person you are, LW, but something like waiting tables comes to mind. It kind of sucks, but it would buy you some time, you wouldn't have regular hours, and you're busy enough not to focus on the job while you're doing it.
You also need to calm the anxiety. If making some money doing something mediocre would help that aspect of it, you should do it. But you probably need more than just that; exercise or something along those lines is a good panic-stopper for a lot of people. Or just watch Noah Baumbauch's Kicking and Screaming. It's the best post-college what-do-I-do-with-myself malaise movie I've seen yet. It's a hard time. Don't give up the idealism, though.
-
what are we talking about here?
If the country is sooooo small and exotic and the field so narrow that she would be recognized if she named the country...I mean, jeez, what are we talking about? Bhutan? Tuvalu? Zanzibar?
It sounds like this lady was a big fish in a small pond, what with the narrow speciality and all. And now she has to adjust to the opposite being the case.
We can't all be special our whole lives, dear. Learning to accept that gracefully is part of growing up. If you get panic attacks whenever you're not feeling special, get some help for your small-very-exotic-country sized ego.
You've been travelling, enjoyed a great opportunity, had some great times, written a book in you spare time. Now it's time to pay the bill for all that. Pick one of these jobs from among the second tier offers (I assume none of them are mere receptionist jobs) and start working. And grow up. People who have never been to college, let alone graduate school abroad, would love to have your "problem".
-
I kept thinking
Fiji or Tahiti or something like that. Then I thought "wow, this self-important stuck up bitch has no concept of reality." I keep laughing to myself thinking that's its Canada or maybe England or something similarly cool but utterly common for American ex-pats like that. But to her its "exotic." God I hope she lived in Toronto for a few months but thinks it was Mars...
Hey lady. Get a job. You're not special. You're not unique. You're not magical. Get... a... job.
-
I like the "just say yes" advice
I can relate to what you're feeling. If I may add a generalization: graduate programs tend to breed a certain exceptionalism. And your personality type isn't that unique for that environment -- brainy flaky types flock to graduate programs. What you're going through is not uncommon -- in fact, it's probably depressingly typical.
I also went to grad school in a semi-exotic locale, so I really can project myself into your mindset. I'm now about 7 years out. So, I didn't see it in myself, of course, because I was special(!) but I've been around a lot of grad students from various departments, and they all (and so, yes, me too) come out with this feeling of exceptionalism -- that our job must match our interests and draw upon our talents and passions. We fear the mundane. We know millions of people just get jobs and can get up and do the 9 to 5 and eek out a fulfilling life and it's no big deal, but we don't see how we will do that.
So, I agree with Cary -- get out of your head and get grounded. And I agree with the first letter writer -- say yes to something.
But, I'd also say this. Try to pedal back from black-and-white thinking about your life. Maybe you will say "yes" to a job and quit it in 6 months. Maybe you'll work long enough and save money to live abroad again. You say you need stability -- but you don't seem really to want it, totally, you seem to like the idea that you can keep moving, trying new things. I'd break it down -- what does stability really mean? Why do you crave it and say you need it? And what parts of "non-stability" are you okay with, and want to keep in your life?
Because I'm sensing the either/or thinking in you that I know so well: My carefree life is over, so I have to be "serious." Since I don't have a job that means I better resign myself to temping, get a 9-to-five, settle into something. Suck it up and gut it out. You probably feel like you've had a reprieve from that life for longer than most people are lucky enough to have, and longer than you deserve. You feel that people will stop thinking it's "quarky" or "charming" that you keep quitting jobs, and expect you to keep one.
But take a deep breath. You need not be chained to a desk or fundamentally change your personality. A few realities are on your side. People change jobs a lot these days. You can try things out and quit. Can you move cities, to broaden your job search? I guess I'm saying, try to stay away from abstractions like "responsible" versus "flaky" and think in concretes -- what does stability mean? how much money do you need? where do you need/want to live? Does "settling down" geographically mean for two years or twenty? Think these things through and discuss them with your husband. I think you'll feel better. You will make a lot of decisions in your life. And despite your fear and panic, you will never be stuck. Just get grounded, say yes to something, and avoid big abstract generalizations and think in terms of specifics. It will be okay.