Letters to the Editor
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Controlling (?) from both sides
Sounds as if there is a nasty push-pull going on here. I can see opting out of skiing fast (which can be dangerous if tried by the unskilled), but constantly walking slower and then complaining to an advice columnist about the result suggests the need for a rescue service.
Remedy? As most people have suggested: (a) teach the husband to be more respectful, (b) stop being a pain in the ass when it's not his fault, (c) find ways of doing things apart to avoid non-essential friction, and (d) consider counseling. Both of you need to talk and listen.
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Bicycling
My wife and I do a lot of bicyle touring, and we used to have a similar problem. I would look back and see her 100s of yards behind. At some point we decided that she would lead whenever we rode together. It solved the problem. If I don't feel challenged enough I offer to carry a higher percentage of our gear until we seem to be exerting about the same.
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Mix it up
It can be tough doing stuff together when your abilities aren't well matched. He's faster than you - going slower for him is as boring and unsatisfying for him, as going faster is exhausting and unpleasant for you. Maybe you can mix sports though - e.g. he joggs you rollerblade, he rollerblades you cycle etc.
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This'll work
Put on a pair of roller blades, tie a rope around his waist and hang on for the ride. He'll either go with it or be so embarrassed that he'll just slow down.
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Run, don't walk
. . . away from this relationship. Life is too short. You can try not exercising together, but if that is a big part of your leisure activities, that's probably not a great solution. It seems like he is dick and won't be willing to change, and this issue also seems to run deeper than you being slow and him being impatient(all guys think their wives move too slowly).
Next time you are doing your physical activities, look around and find someone more your speed, and you'll probably find that you like him better than your husband.
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Contempt threatens relationships.
I know that alot of posters to this forum are very quick to say DTMFA, which seems harsh. However, certain interaction styles are poisonous, even if the couple is "just" working out or whatever. Contempt is one of J.M Gottman's "four horsemen of the apocalypse" - the four behaviors linked to relational dissolution. The other three are criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling (withdrawal/not discussing issues). The data on relational outcomes makes it clear how partners ruin relationships through disrespect and distancing behaviors.
I agree with others who suggest that LW find another workout partner. However, I wonder how this dynamic will manifest itself in other ways if she does so.
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Interesting
A clear consensus has emerged in letters: Husband needs to lower his performance to that of the writer. It makes more sense to me for the LW to pick up the pace, or at least meet in the middle. Why is the more capable partner wrong?
Perhaps this skewed dynamic is simply the result of the LW's position being well explained in a sympathetic manner, while we know nothing of her partner's point of view. I don't think so, however. To my eye, however, this seems to be simple outrage that LW has been asked to improve her performance. Worse things can be asked by a partner.
Sounds like a bunch of whiny losers who can't walk very fast.
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@ gonzo
Are you kidding? I hope you're kidding cause that would be like the LW is his mommy and he is 9 years old! That's freaking REDICULOUS! He's being an ASSHOLE and she needs to, as others have said, tell him to cut the shit out and leave her alone. And, oh yes, GROW UP!!
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No mention of kids.
Doesn't this guy sound like he could turn into the king of all abusive sport dads? The asshole at the T-ball game?
"What is WRONG with you, Timmy?!!! Pick up the pace!"
Just not a kind human being.
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Paging Dr. Freud
I can't help it. It's the symbolist in me. I see a letter from a woman whose husband walks ahead of her, and my mind immediately goes to their sex life. Let me guess: He won't slow down there, either.
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I could have written this ten years ago
Then my husband lost interest in exercise. The problem worked itself out. Good luck to you in working this out!
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fast vs. slow
I have nothing to contribute, just that in my relationship, I'm the fast walker, and my boyfriend (all 6-foot-6 of him) is the slooooooooow one. And I'm 5'4". It is painful for me to slow down to walk with him, as someone else pointed out--it messes up my hips because I swing my legs differently to reduce my forward speed.
I think it has to do with intensity of personality--he's much more deliberate and mellow than I. He takes forever to decide which computer to buy--I decide I need one and have bought one within 24 hours.
The fact that he's slower does aggravate the crap out of me.
As for exercise partners, I had a boyfriend with whom I would run, and we deliberately scheduled our runs together so that for him, it would be a light training day, and for me, it would be a more challenging training day. Then we ran on our own on other days. That way we could have some exercise time together, but not so much that we would limit/overstress the other.
Tell him to have a beer while he's waiting for you to cross the finish line.
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Reboot that relationship
You need separate exercise partners. Or solo exercise, augmented by strolling and chatting. And counseling. And figure out ways to deal with each other differently.
LW, I feel your pain. I am very short, have back problems--long story short, I enjoy outdoor activities, but I'm always at the very back of the line. And I try to work on my speed, and I can become incrementally faster, but I will never be FAST. My friends don't have any problem with this--sometimes they hike alongside me and chat, sometimes they go ahead.
I have, however, had the opposite experience--I used to walk with somebody who stopped constantly. It annoyed me. But I eventually figured out that our walks together would be about being together, and if I wanted to break a sweat, it would never happen with this person.
Your husband's meanness about this is troubling. Your going along with it is troubling as well. This is a bad pattern you both need to break--especially if you ever hope to raise kids. (Imagine how awful he'd be on family ski or hiking trips. Don't let this happen to your children.)