Letters to the Editor
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@ Brulette
LW is a musician, an obviously a sensitive, different person.
Nope. He is a needy, whiny drama lover who harangues his friends. This isn't me describing him - this is the LW describing himself. And frankly, I give him credit for at least admitting that he is acting like an asshole.
(And btw: there are countless musicians out there who do not act like this. I am one of them. So are many of my mentors. This positive-but-really-negative-and-insulting stereotype about "sensitive" (read: difficult assholes) musicians implicit in your statement is utterly FALSE)
It can be hard for people like that to find their tribe, or for that matter, to have any tribe at all.
Brutal reality check: it is hard for ALL OF US to find our tribe. Some people out there who seem super-popular and sociable are actually incredibly lonely, and don't feel like they belong.
Some of us are merely wired differently.
Being a 30-something man-child is not "being wired differently"; it is making an active choice not to behave in an acceptable way with the people in your life...
...but more importantly, it is making an active choice in how you TREAT the people in your life.
LW is not a special, sensitive, rare wallflower. He is a grown man acting like an asshole.
And to excuse and euphemize the way he CHOOSES to interact with people does neither him nor his friends/family any good.
You may give him a free pass on all his behavior - but would you continue to do so when he called for the 17th time that evening at 3 am to ask you if he is, like, really worthy of love?
If the LW and people like him buy into this feel-good, pop-psychology "You are not being a Jerk, you are simply Unique and Special" crap, then ultimately it will be to their detriment and unhappiness.
Which is why I re-iterate: LW, wake up and smell the reality. You have it within yourself to treat your friends with decency and respect - such as giving them space when they need it, not plaguing them with your drama-lovin' antics, etc.
When you are ready to make that CHOICE, the life and circle of people you wish to be a part of will be there...
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Why friends dump you in your 30s
Friends stick by you through all the mistakes you make and love you anyway throughout your 20s, but you're supposed to learn from the mistakes and grow and mature and all that. If you never learn and are still carrying on with the self-destructive behavior and keep ruining your life they start feeling like enablers if they support you through it. And this also goes for mistakes where you hurt other people rather than yourself too. They may forgive you for hurting them in younger days, but they just feel like fools if they forgive you for treating them like shit and you continue to do so. The deal with forgiving isn't supposed to be that you have license to keep doing it again. This is why you get dumped upon successive relapses.
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@Amerigo
>Women do not like men who are like puppy dogs wagging their tails trying to please. They like men who are always running off after rabbits and have to be called back to heel.<
Men don't much like needy, resourceless women, neither--contrary to what the more misogynistic posters on here would like everyone to believe.
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Lonewolfy
You are right. Some people just act like needy assholes. But some of us go out of our way NOT to be assholes, not to be intrusive, not to impose our neediness on other people. You see us all the time alone in restaurants and browsing in bookstores and sitting in Starbucks for the feel of community without the heartaches actually trying to be part of a community brings.
Some of us are pretty sensitive (not childish) and think and see the world differently (creatively) . Some of us actually do give a shit what other people think and don't harangue them with e-mails and stuff and still find ourselves shunned.
I recently had an experience that illustrates. I joined a group that had an online message board. It was not secure. Others joined that I had not met, but that had met other members in person. Someone posted a comment that contained my proprietary work. I asked her, politely (and with smiley face to make sure since that "tone" thing is a problem) "Please take down [ ], thanks! :)"
The reaction was a bunch of new age mumbo jumbo psychoanalyzing me and whining that I was so overwhelmingly needy. The other group members piled on and asked the site administrator to remove my privileges! He refused, because objectively I had done nothing but ask something to be removed. He likened their reaction to Lord of the Flies.
Yet this woman empathically heard in my 6 word e-mail all sorts of emotional baggage, and reacted with fear and loathing over how much work I was to deal with. And the other members, who knew her and not me, reacted in support of her.
See, some of us don't have to act like assholes to be shunned. We carry with us this "other"-ness that people pick up on and react to even when it's not overtly expressed.
I'm working to figure out what it is and how it manifests because it's in my way. I may sound like I'm a victim of it but it's mine to fix so in that way I'm no victim. But it is extremely difficult to deal with and it has disfigured my life in countless ways.
Don't be so harsh. Maybe the LW is what you describe. Maybe he's more like me and hasn't figured it out yet. I thought just not "doing" those things you describe would be enough to fix this, but it goes deeper than that.
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@ Anon: Thanks for your response
You see us all the time alone in restaurants and browsing in bookstores and sitting in Starbucks for the feel of community without the heartaches actually trying to be part of a community brings.
Believe it or not, I know exactly what you mean. Even my moniker "lonewolfy" is based on most of my life experiences with people.
Let me say that the reaction of the woman and other group members in the online message board was ridiculous, and you did not deserve it. Not to sound like a broken record =), but frankly they were all royal assholes for the way they treated you.
Furthermore, I do draw a distinction between people such as you (and perhaps me), and the LW. Why? It isn't so much the LW's haranguing, neediness, attention whoredom, etc. (although those traits understandably lead on a path to hermitude).
It is that the LW feels entitled to having his friends and other indulge him and his crappy behavior towards them. There is no sign in his letter that he actually cares one iota about these people; just what they can do to help him feel better.
I think if you are able to care about other people, then there are chances to change or end your isolation on your own terms.
Have you ever thought about volunteering in some field that you like? E.g. - at a local ASPCA if you love animals? Or at a museum if you are into art?
Yes, there is the selfless reason of wanting to contribute...but frankly, there is a great selfish reward for people such as yourself in doing this: it opens you up to a community. This isn't to say everyone you volunteer with becomes your best friend, or that it happens instantaneously...
...but for what it's worth, I think it might give you access to the joys of truly being part of a community - if that is what you want.