Letters to the Editor
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Geez
God, this was a long-winded answer. Doesn't Cary have an editor?
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Scavok
That was part of the answer - the longwinded sidetracked self absorption illustrative of the problem. Get it?
I am the anon just before Scavok's response.
A lot of the letters here berate the LW for talking too much and not listening and not being able to endure the silence or being alone.
That's not necessarily the case, though, with "monsters". I'm friendly and gregarious once I'm comfortable, and I try to be aware of how much I'm talking relative to anyone else. I listen pretty well and consider what others are saying and even change my mind -- wow.
And I spend inordinate amounts of time alone, so I'm used to the silence and isolation. I think I will always need a good deal of time on my own - I'm not the "24-7 never leave me!!" sort of person.
But still the monster comes through. I can't reiterate enough how strange this is. I am not in denial, I know I have a "big" personality (i.e., my emotions come across quite strong even when I'm not actually expressing them). But it doesn't take overwhelming behavior for this to be a problem.
Believe me I'm sick of this part of myself because it has brought me a lot of loneliness and rejection, but it's not necessarily "being an asshole" and writing a bunch of e-mails or calling too much. It's just this underlying hum of something that people pick up on, and it drives them away.
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Wow, it's me too
I go could on, but isn't that what I always do? I'm writing just to show my support, but what I need to do for myself is shut up a minute and start listening (among other things). Good luck, everyone.
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I was wondering if I had written the LW's letter in my sleep ...
The LW's problem is almost identical to mine at the moment.
I have pushed all my friends away for whatever reason and I really didn't mean to or want to. It's pretty sad but I have learned to be alone and that doesn't bother me. I quite like it but there are times when I get lonely.
Last summer I met someone and they seemed to want to be my friend and we were buddies for six months and it was great!
Then I fell for him and Wham! The drama started.
Suffice to say I spent four months texting and emailing and getting plastered and sending him rants and raves one minute, apologies later and then short one liners saying I was crying and missing him.
(I am a former performer too! So you're not alone there ... )
After a while and after what was quite a satisfying rageful email banter where we tried to tear each other to shreds - he went silent and hasn't replied to any of my messages since.
I blew it.
All I can say is don't do what I did. It is that behavior that makes one feel (and look) like a fool when everything calms down and I am quite sure if I hadn't sent all those messages I could have salvaged a very worthwhile long term friendship.
But I chased him away and we can't talk. Please try not to do that.
Don't do that. The best way to get your friends back is to be quiet for the time being and let them come to you.
The ball is now in their court and wait for them to hit it back to you.
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This is why I read this column.
To all the ultra-sensible, ultra-stable folks out there: you're not going to understand this.
Friends are not friends if they cut you off entirely after a romantic relationship goes bad with one of the friends. Love goes south all the time, every freaking second, and what ensues is often ugly: fights, name calling, neediness, stalker behavior, etc. And all of that nastiness is the business of the estranged couple, not the bystanders. I thought that was common sense, but then again, I know first hand that people in their 30s often behave like junior high schoolers.
LW is a musician, an obviously a sensitive, different person. It can be hard for people like that to find their tribe, or for that matter, to have any tribe at all. Some of us are merely wired differently. We don't connect with the same forces that make other people straighten up after their twenties. You can come up with all kinds of reasons why that may be, but in the end, some people just can't connect, just cannot deal. Some of us, to the misfortune of our family and other people who love and care for us, remain children in some respects.
So I commend Cary's gutsy, searingly honest response. I love Cary's column because he's not afraid to give something of himself, while often he reaches far outside of himself in a mind-blowing act of compassion and understanding.
Thank you Salon!
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Wow
Seems like a lot of us here are in the same boat.
I wish Cary would get someone to gather the email addresses of all the people in these pages so we can be mates with each other and start a chat room somewhere!
I am in the same place as the letter writer and it's so heartening to see all the responses from like minded people.
I thought I was the only one.
So come on Salon - help us get all these peeps together via email and we can thumb our noses at the mega sensible peeps who have dumped us!
treborbitterlemon@yahoo.com
Write to me and I'll try not to be too needy and drive you off.
*wink*
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Thank you Brulette, too
You articulate the "difference" as a difference, not as if something is broken.
I mean, yeah, something is probably broken, somewhere. But no one makes it through to adulthood intact and unbroken in one way or the other. This particular "flaw" is a very painful one.
I met with a "life coach" who sat and told me of my being sensitive and how the universe crushes anyone who is "off" in any way. And you know, blah blah all the ways I'm fucked up.
And I'm sitting there wondering if he knows he comes off like a condescending asshole no matter what subject he's discussing? Does he know he's likewise "broken" in that he sees himself as smarter and more together than the rest of us shlubs, and we sense it and think he's a dick sometimes? Maybe his broken stuff isn't as offputting as mine, but it's still there.
I did listen to what he said, and it stung that he described my monster so well. And for a couple days I've been in this tailspin, railing at the universe that I'm afflicted with a monster that makes my life a living, lonely hell.
But is it really all that terrible to be a sensitive soul who thinks a bit differently than other people or surprising that such a person, having a difficult time finding her "tribe", might seem "needy"?