Hi LW --

I don't have any particular advice on this issue, but I wish you and your boyfriend well in the days and months ahead.

But when I read your letter, I thought right away that you might want to read a wonderful article by Washington Post reporter Ruben Casteneda. He actually covered the DC crack epidemic for the Post, and held down his reporter job, while being a crack addict.

It's called "Cracked" and you can read it online.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/28/AR2007122801357_pf.html

It might offer both you and your boyfriend some insight.

You forgot to mention what might happen if, say, the dog were about to run onto an eight-lane highway filled with cars going 80 miles an hour. What then? Should she just wait then, too? Really?

I'm not asking this rhetorically. I'm asking because the addict in my life, my fabulous mother, has started drinking again, and it's clear that this time there will be no breaks in the fog, no hints of enlightenment, no moments of clarity. What lies ahead -- and not too far ahead, either -- are public humiliation, injury to herself and/or others, and death. (Only the first two may not be in that order.)

We staged an intervention. She went to rehab for a month. She stopped drinking. For a couple of weeks. A few months later, she fell down the stairs and broke some bones. She was confined to a wheelchair. Which was the best thing possible, because she couldn't drive herself anywhere to get alcohol. We figured she'd be sober until she could drive again (several months away), but just yesterday we realized she's been wheeling herself to the store to buy wine. She is drinking again.

She was a bombshell. A socialite. A successful businesswoman. Semi-famous. Beloved by all. Many people leaned on her for advice and assistance. She was the glue in our family; she was a surrogate mom, aunt, sister to many. Now she is a rambling, incoherent, combative, self-destructive, pathetic, miserable, lying being.

In the beginning, when I first found out, at 31, that my mother was an alcoholic, I thought she was choosing to drink. Now it's very clear that she is sick, with a real disease, as fatal and as visibly devastating as an end-stage cancer.

Would you really just "sit down" and "wait" if your parent/spouse/best friend had a fatal disease? If so, how do you think that would affect you, closing your eyes every night knowing that someone you loved was dying but that you were just waiting it out?

I'm intrigued by the idea that your boyfriend has been an occasional user for a long time, someone able to hold down a job and a girlfriend. Until what? What changed? You mention an experience he had with crack that scared him, but I doubt it was the first time something like that happened. I would be interested in knowing more about why your boyfriend is suddenly confessing to everyone (oh my god, work?!)...and more, maybe, about what he hasn't told you yet.

I'm sorry this happened to you, though. You didn't choose this V-day bombshell, but you're choosing what to do with it. Don't forget you can always choose something else.

You have only 10 months invested in this relationship? Get out. Now.

The boyfriend has been honest, and truth is at least the first part of recovery. And yet the letter writer is holding on to her truth by presenting a caring, good woman facade which conflicts with underlying doubt, resent and and misgiving. All very reasonable emotions given the dubious nature of her man's startling disclosure, and the resultant illumination on previously shadowy episodes.

Maybe the LW could tell the boyfriend how she feels. Tell him you want to support him and that you love him, but also let him know you are jacked off when you think back to those times he cancelled your dates, or fell asleep or was generally physically or emotionally unavailable in one way or another. Let him know that when you got involved in the relationship you never thought you would have to deal with such a difficult issue as crack addiction, but you are prepared to hang in there if he commits to recovery. Or maybe write him a letter venting all these feelings and thoughts without sending it.

Why collude with the drug abuser's lack of responsibility, and his selfishness, by protecting him from the ways his choices and actions have hurt others? Does he need to hit rock bottom to change? He seems a fair way from there yet, but he needs to accept that his unhealthy habit is potentially more than just an inconvenience for himself.

In our society we are constantly grappling with a unified way to perceive the drug addict. Our orientation will depend on what theoretical framework we subscribe to. Are they mystics searching for enlightenment, psychologically damaged people trying to self medicate, criminals who are bad people for thwarting the law, medical patients who suffer a sickness they can't control?, etc.....

No matter whether a drug addict is a victim or perpetrator, at some point if they wish to move forward, they will have to face the music of personal responsibility. Yet ironically, simultaneously admit that something bigger than conscious will is fuelling their destructive behaviour. Some like Cary would also suggest that the road to recovery necessitates faith in something more esoteric than the self following this admittance of helplessness

I may sound harsh but I get sick of women being told to care for other people selflessly. Who knows what will happen? It's one day at a time in the steps towards salvation for AA advocates, and to a certain extent it's the same for the LW's relationship. She may be able to assure him that she will always be his caring his friend, but whether the partnership survives is yet to be determined.

He has lied to you all along. He was doing crack before he met you. Probably what he has told you now is not true either.

Sure, you can support him in his efforts to stop, but it is unlikely that you can continue to have a relationship with him, because you will need to maintain your objectivity.

So just make sure that you don't let him move in with you, lend him any money, or in any way let his finances and yours get mixed together. Don't even lend him your car.

This man is over 40 years old. He is not a college kid experimenting with drugs. The prognosis is poor.

Just ask yourself. Why would a healthy, well-adjusted professional man of 40 suddenly start using crack cocaine? I cannot tell you, so I suspect that he has some severe personal problems underlying this behavior, or may be a long term history of substance abuse.