Letters to the Editor
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Be supportive
If your friend doesn't mention it, then you need to let it go until and if she does. Otherwise, enjoy her company and realize that we all are terminal.
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much ado about...
It's pretty straightforward and easy to find a tactful way to say, "Hey, I understand you are sick with cancer and I'm sorry and I hope it is in remission soon and I'm here for you if you want to talk about it."
In fact, you could type that into an e-mail! That very sentence. Since you guys are so Internet-comfortable it shouldn't matter if it's in e-mail.
If you feel it's appropriate, you might add, "I'm curious what cancer you are suffering from, but I completely understand if you don't want to talk about it."
Forget the ducks. Really. Duck poop sort-of stinks, anyway.
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"if she becomes extremely grave, you insist on knowing, regardless of the circumstances. Make her promise you only that"
Oh my god, no. I know these are Cary's words, not the LW's, but no, she has no more right to "insist" on knowing about someone else's imminent death as she does about her chemo. (The LW seems like a pretty good friend who wants to handle things delicately, all due credit.)
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Tossing out another idea
Not everyone gets chemo for cancer. There are many other illnesses where low doses of chemo are used as part of treatment.
Having said that, I find it odd that someone would casually toss out that they are undergoing some kind of chemo, and then just avoid the subject. Does anyone else find that a teensy bit melodramatic?
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Jacqueline? Yes, it seems a tad melodramatic to me
This friend could be making it all up and just fucking with you. It happened on a discussion board I was on. I and the entire group were taken in, and when I tried to tell other board members that I thought this person was a fake, I met with extreme resistance from them. Eventually they figured it out on their own but it was more than a year later.
LW, tot up all the dramatic events in her life that she's shared with you. If her life has considerably more drama and tragedy than the people you know in real life (coworkers, cousins, friends), she could be lying.
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You need to let...
the sick deal with their illnesses on their own terms, not yours. It isn't about you. My mom and I had to learn this when my dad contracted bladder and -- later -- brain cancer. Express concern, by all means. But don't push.
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You said it already
Just tell her exactly what is in your letter to Cary -- you've caught the references to illness and are worried, you'd like to know what's up because you consider her a friend and want to be able to best help if the occasion calls for it, but you also don't want to pry and know it's none of your business.
Nothing wrong with saying that. Nothing at all. It's honest, clear, and respectful. She's mentioned chemo in the public sphere, so you need not feel odd about bringing it up. She did first, after all.
But... you must respect whatever answer she gives, even if it leaves your curiosity unsatisfied. That part may very well be harder than the asking.
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The thing
The thing is, it's weird not to say anything, if you're a friend or a human, that sort of thing. There may be many ways to say it wrong, but the most wrong thing is to carry along, tra la la, like nothing's going on. That's just untenable, right? It's not authentic. Ask her. Some people are modest and introverted, some people are bold and brash; it doesn't matter. You are her friend. Ask her what's up. And then you can deal with whatever she tells you. But you can't stay silent. Silence is for strangers on the bus.
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LW Let it be
When I went through my cancer treatment last year, it was pretty serious - stage 3, chemo, the works. I had many people ask me about details not out of compassion but out of the interest in gross. Really. It's amazing what people will say. Enjoy her company, maybe ask if there is anything you can do for her - AND MEAN IT - since you know she's been unwell. Otherwise, let this one alone, I bet she enjoys you for the break from the usual.
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On her own time
Perhaps she is neither melodramatic nor inauthentic, just a more private person. The LW has offered concern and been thanked for it; when and if her friend is ready to go into detail, she will. It's not unreasonable to be discreet in a conversation with someone you have met but once and known less than a year. Be supportive but let the details happen as they will.
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You're something different
LW, she doesn't want to talk about it. Period. Maybe she wants a sliver of life in which chemo and illness won't intrude. Give it to her, if you can bear not to be part of the drama. She knows you know about the chemo, and she's not shutting you out by not talking about it, she's safeguarding her "normal". Just be there, and do what you do.
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As someone who's done the chemo
It's not melodramatic of her to mention it casually but not linger long on the subject. You already said she treats it lightly and she probably isn't sure how much you do or don't know. She doesn't want to keep it a "Secret", yet she doesn't want to treat you like an idiot nor shove it in your face.
SIMPLY: It's a really awkward topic - to tell people you've got cancer (or whatever she's on chemo for). In fact, a friend and I called it the "C-bomb", referring to its effect on any social conversation.
I wouldn't say you have to avoid any mention of the idea that you're naive/scared and don't understand what exactly her illness means in terms of whether or not she's terminal...but don't linger on the idea of death any more strongly than that. Otherwise Cary has it right.
Your friend might be happy to "teach" you about her illness, once she knows that you don't feel informed. Spreading awareness is a way that many patients feel that they are doing something "useful" through their illness (for real lack of a better way to say it).