Hey man,

Your letter stressed me out just reading it! Nothing good can come of this frenzied mind state you're in. Try coming down a few notches to the here and now. What can you do in your spare time to contribute to the world, in whatever area you care about (kids, the environment, politics, whatever)? Figure out your availability and then go to the library and find out the number of the volunteering clearinghouse in your area.

Get hooked up with something that gives you a sense of meaning. Then your heart and mind can relax enough (because they're getting something of substance) that you can think through whether you want to stay in that house.

There are LOTS of options for your life - you're only seeing a few because you're freaking out. So, deal with the freaked-outness and then you will be able to make better decisions.

Good luck to you!

Your wife knows you better than anyone, plus she is your partner in life, so I would think that you would place her opinion higher than anyone else's. (Including Cary's - much as I regard his opinion higher than most, but then again, that is just MY opinion).

Your wife says you are rash! Do not dismiss her - she is probably right.

Maybe you should rethink the whole "now or never" philosophy and focus on a plan. Give yourself 3 months and work things out on a schedule - there is still plenty of time in the real estate season. Take some time to prepare your home for the market; no matter how much time and money you have put into your home - you will need to make changes to sell it for the maximum dollar. (I am a Realtor & Stager who has got nothing in this game, so why not listen?)

Perhaps you both need to fall in love with another lifestyle before you try to make this decision. Go exploring and find a new lifestyle that you will both love! In my experience, most folks do not put their homes on the market until they know for certain they have found the next thing.. so find the next thing. This will be better for your wife, better for you, and better for your marriage (as long as you search until you are BOTH satisfied).

Hi,

Since you say you work at a hedge fund, I'm guessing you might live in Connecticut. In which case you might be using the 2-lane bottleneck known as I95 (and your wife, I am guessing, does not). I used to live in CT. and am familiar with the McMansion developments and I95. I would suggest getting a bunch of local maps from your gas station and trying to map out an alternate route to work. When I lived there, I did this. Even though the route involved a dozen traffic lights it took the roughly the same amount of time and was about a tenth the amount of stress. If you're working at a hedge fund you don't need to start your day with a stressful commute (or end it for that matter). In terms of your house, perhaps you could try and refinance?

Man up. Jesus.

As some here have implied. It sounds like you are sensible with money and can afford to lose a little if you need to - it's only money. I'm much more strapped financially with fewer options, and I've still made choices based not only on money but the life I'd like to live. It sounds like plenty of places exist where you would be happy - you could buy a brownstone or historic home in a neighborhood with sidewalks and shops that is close to the city and maybe still have a small yard. If you were in New York this would be Brooklyn or even some places in Westchester. You could even live in an apartment - it doesn't sound like you would need to pair down to a hovel, just maybe a little less space which is probably all you need anyway. I see so many mcmansions where people don't even really furnish most of the rooms. Do they ever use the "conservatory" or "sitting room" or whatever? No. People gather in the kitchen and living room. A dining area is nice if you like to have people over for dinner. A couple of bedrooms, one or two bathrooms, and you're all set. I think a hedge fund guy like you could find a place like that in a neighborhood close enough to work that would make you happy. Livable, walkable small cities and big towns do exist all over. As far as raising kids, suburban isolation isn't that great for them. Less house but more human interaction is a pretty good trade-off. And think of all the car-pooling you could avoid.

This letter will be buried after 600 others, but I'll write it anyway. I think you should give your new community more time.

My husband and I (mid- to late 30s, recently married, no kids yet) also moved to the suburbs about a year ago. For me, this was the fulfillment of a long-pent-up desire: I lived alone in various urban apartments from ages 23 to 35. There were things I loved about city life, but I always felt disconnected from nature, hemmed in, transient. Apartments never felt like home to me, and frankly, the idea that dense living fosters community is absurd. In New York I lived in 4 different Brooklyn brownstones and never exchanged more than a few words with the people who lived 10 feet away from me, sharing the same walls. There is a certain energy to having lots of people around, but the quality of one's life depends on the relationships one is able to build.

Our New England suburb is somewhat older, wooded, beautiful to drive through, lots of SUVs but not too many McMansions. Because we don't have children, meeting people has been a slow process. Although I LOVE our house and our peaceful property, I have occasionally wondered aloud to my husband if we "picked the wrong town." But you know what? We *are* slowly meeting people, and cool ones, too. I teach in a writing school in the city center, and there I met a very cool woman who lives in my suburb, and she has offered to introduce me to 2 other writers in our town. Recently I joined a political campaign for the first time in my life and met some wonderful, extremely smart people in this and the neighboring town. Would these people be easier to meet if I lived in the city? No. You can walk to a coffee shop in the city, but do you actually bond with strangers when you get there? No.

I cannot speak for the exurbs, where life might have a more ethereal quality. Of course you have to make the choice that's right for you. But I would definitely give your town some more time and see if you can flush out some cool people from behind those scrubbed McWalls, not to mention recover your investment.