You listed some great reasons why you hate where you live now. Florid suburb-bashing may be a tired cliche in movies, but that doesn't mean there's no parallel in life. It doesn't matter that other people like their yards and space if these things aren't worth it to you. And your gut agrees with your head. Your wife sounds persuadable. I say go. A couple of years ago I moved from a place I loved to a place I hate. Passionately. It's a time-limited move, so I am bearing it (barely), but if it were open-ended, god no. Where we live is important. It matters. I hope it works out.

...but...how in the world did you not think for a second about the kind of place you actually wanted to live before you bought a house in cupcakeland?

I'm sorry--I know it's not practical because you don't have a time machine--but everyone, really, just think for a few minutes about what you actually want out of life. How you want to live, how you want to behave, what you want to do. And why. And then don't do things that run directly contrary to who you know you are.

The hard part in that is, you have to know who you are, and be honest about what you want, and why. Then you can't be tricked into thinking you want to live in the suburbs.

Maybe the LW just needs to decide what kind of lifestyle he wants. There is nothing inherently wrong in living in either the suburbs or the city. I grew up in a nice house in the 'burbs and drove everywhere. In many ways, I hated it. At university, I moved to a big city on the otherside of the world. I loved it. I still love it, but have begun to come full circle into appreciating the reasons my parents lived in, and raised us kids in the suburbs.

In the next few years I'm plan on starting a family of my own. Living in my tiny delapidated 2 bdr flat (even if it is next to a park) isnt going to cut it when it comes to having kids. Sorry. I desire more space. I could never afford that space in the city I live in. So, its either kids & da burbs, or sex in the city singleton. I think its very hard to have it both ways.

It seems like Carey assumes that we all live in Cali and options like San Fran are just around the corner. It just isn't so.

I grew up in CT, and I don't care how much you love biking and walking places (and I do!) you aren't biking anywhere in 10 degrees with a foot of snow on the ground. Earth to California -- it SNOWS in half the country. So, stick that in your walking trails. Another note to the Cali "new urban" elite -- you're living your life on borrowed water. So enjoy the uptopia while it lasts.

I don't think there is any easy answer for the LW. But in some sense, I think he needs to give a long hard look at what he wants out of life. You can't have everything. If you move out of the big house, it means when you have kids you won't have a backyard. Maybe you can only afford a 2bdr place, so don't plan on having more than 1 kid. You'll be extra tied to your job, because you've specifically moved to be close to work, so don't lose it!

Maybe its not about the house at all, but about "growing up" and having to make adult choices instead of drifting through university. Sometimes decisions are tough and involve crazy sums of money. You'll just have to decide what you want and do it! But do realise there is no perfect answer, and there will always be something about your situation that is imperfect.

Suburbs can feel isolating, empty and bland. Your life, however, doesn't have to be. Step back for a while and stop thinking about why you hate the suburbs. Instead, imagine moving back into the city. What would you like better about it? How would your life be different? What sort of people would you be meeting? Places don't have an intrinsic personality or character. It's how we move from place to place, the people we meet, the way things are arranged that affect the atmosphere of where we spend our time. Think deeply about what you want your daily life to be like and discuss this with your wife. Whatever you come up with may or may not be compatible with living in the suburbs.

As for financial problems, I'm no expert. However, my gut feeling is that a house is generally a good investment IN THE LONG RUN. However, if you move to somewhere in the city, location is probably the most important thing. If you can only afford to buy the cheapest available condos, try as hard as possible to buy the one with the best location.

otherwise, they make no sense at all. decide if you're having kids; if yes, maybe stay. if no, cut your losses and do what cary says.

I can't imagine living in a big suburban house without kids yet. These houses and towns are really made for families with kids, and without kids one feels isolated and trapped. I think this couple made their move too soon. On the other hand, there is no greater claustrophobia than a tiny apartment with children. We live the suburban life with our kids, but we also keep a tiny apartment in Manhattan, for work reasons. Someday, when our kids are grown, we will keep a tiny place in the suburbs and a more comfortable pad in the city.

Timing is everything.

Actually, I had to chuckle when you said you were afraid of being bashed because some would love to have your problem. I don't think your problem is that you have money and a nice house, I think your problem is that you don't know who you are.

When I read your letter, I thought of one particular verse to that Talking Heads song, "Once in a Lifetime."

And you may ask yourself

What is that beautiful house?

And you may ask yourself

Where does that highway go?

And you may ask yourself

Am I right?...Am I wrong?

And you may tell yourself

MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?

So what have you done? You think you made a mistake. But in what? The house? You also mention your job. Sorta go hand in hand. Have to keep the job in order to keep the house, but you think you might not like the job, and you certainly don't like the house. No, I don't envy you at all.

Keep in mind that there are suburbs, and there are suburbs. I lived in one of those mindless, isolating, sheltered bedroom communities for four years. My parents are still there. I appreciate the high school education I got and that's it. So that's one thing to keep in mind. Are you going to have kids? One big advantage to suburbs is that SOME suburbs have good schools. This is not always the rule anymore, but it's easy enough to check out. If you are planning on kids, sticking around might be a good decision.

Your finances might be good now, but can you afford this house if one of you loses your job for any period of time? Gas is not getting any cheaper either. Car commuting is only going to get more and more expensive.

There are suburbs and there are suburbs. Some of the older burbs are practically built into the city proper and are less isolated. Maybe one of them would be better for you. Some outer burbs almost require a passport to get onto their streets. Just going out for ice cream requires a twenty minute drive, which sounds like the type you are in. Definitely not for everyone.

I don't blame suburbanites for wanting good schools and a nice house and some peace and quiet. However I had a job with many suburbanites or wanna be suburbanites as co-workers and I resented the snobbiness they displayed when I told them I lived in the city limits. I even had a couple of people judging my husband and I as bad parents, opining that we obviously didn't care about our children's education or safety. So, yeah, people are almost forced to take sides these days whether they want to or not and I'm sure sides will be drawn as the posts get more numerous.

So, what do you do? You sit in some quiet place and try to imagine yourself working in hedge funds and living in that house for the next 1, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 years. Ask yourself why you moved there. Fear of crime? Wanted more land? Wanted a big house? What happens when you get to 10? Do you feel like screaming or crying? If so, move as soon as possible. Your wife should understand eventually. If not, sit tight for now.

And I agree with the poster who said to never make a decision in February. Except for Black History and all the candy in the stores for Valentine's Day, February IS the worst of all monthes. So think about where your highway is going at least until March.

And Cary? Great answer. I'm sure your answer will rankle some people, but I loved that you gave your unvarnished opinion.