Letters to the Editor
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Moving is stressful
Oh, LW. I'm so sorry. I've had the visceral feeling you describe, and it's awful.
I think you should ignore Cary's advice and that of all the posters who are ranting either for or against the suburbs. I don't think that's your main issue here.
The issue I see is that you've just a had a series of huge life changes (marrying, finishing the PhD, moving), and you're in an unfamiliar place feeling acutely alienated and terrified of being stuck in the wrong place. You're panicking. But I don't think it's the panic that follows making the wrong move. I think it's the panic that follows any huge change that vaults you into the unfamiliar.
You say you guys bought the place late last year. That's only a couple months ago. So a couple months ago, you thought this was a good idea. You presumably thought about it and talked a lot about it before going through with it. And only now, after living there a very short time, are you feeling remorse. That makes me question the longevity of the remorse.
How have you felt other times you moved? I always panic a bit in a new living space, get a nauseating stomach ache that makes me think I did the wrong thing. Moving's hard, especially if you like what you left behind. And in this market, I think everyone is probably experiencing buyer's remorse. But I can tell you from personal experience that you can get used to and even enjoy commuting, not commuting, being in a small space, being in a large space... you develop your routines over time, and they become dear to you - no matter where you are. And the things that are important to you and your wife may change dramatically if you have children.
Hold tight. Talk things through with your wife. Make lists of pros and cons. Make lists of things you want, things you can maybe get used to, and things that give you a stomach ache. Talking with your wife, try to really get to the bottom of your feelings before making up your mind.
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buying a house is one of life's most stressful events
Psychiatrists have done studies of what kinds of things cause stress. Many horrible things cause stress, as we all know and expect, but many generally positive things also cause stress. One of the highest stress inducers is the purchase of a new home. So, I expect that LW is experiencing some of that home-related stress. Of course the tricky thing about positive but stressful things is that you don't expect to feel stressed out by them. You think they will only increase your happiness, and you are knocked silly by the negative emotions that well up. And letters writers like some of those here add to that by condemning you for not being happy.
Just after we moved into our house, I began to feel really tied down. I worried that I might lose my job and not be able to pay for this place (and ours was a relatively modest place). I expect that the LW may be feeling something similar, especially since he mentioned his concern over his economic prospects. He needs to take some deep breaths and decide whether or not he is being realistic. If he can't deal with the uncertainty, selling and moving to a less expensive place in a more modest neighborhood may be just the ticket.
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I'll bet...
...that people who say "Sounds pretty obvious to me. Just go ahead and..." are usually oversimplifying things to an extent that their suggestion doesn't really help, but I gotta say:
Sounds pretty obvious to me. Just go ahead and move. What, is this the first time anyone has decided to do a 180 and change things up? You can change horses mid-race, despite what your president has told you.
My gut instinct is: Even $50,000 is worth it to be free of this. We can afford to lose that much (I guess).
What you mean by "I guess" is that you would prefer not to lose that much money. Well, which is it? If you want to be free of suburbia, be free of it. If you choose to hold onto the money, no complaining.
You may not like kissing money goodbye, but I'm certain you can afford it. She has a good job, and you work for a hedge fund? You can afford it.
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Right on
You are to be congratulated on perceiving very quickly what some people never get: suburbia is not a means to happiness but the reverse. Many pretentious folk never figure that out. For them, life is one long round of obliviousness. They never see that a big house is wasteful and unnecessary, that SUV's are criminally dirty, wasteful and dangerous, and that no one cares to hear them brag about travelling abroad when it never broadens their perspectives anyway, as travel was always supposed to do. Congratulations on seeing through the pretense. The new, green urbanism is indeed a better way to go, unless you just move to the country and raise bees.
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life doesn't end in the burbs
I would agree that LW and his wife need to sit down and have a talk. Where you live is a big deal, and it needs to suit both.
But, the suburbs don't have to be the end of life. We live there... there's a lot to be said for space to garden and have two kids and a retriever. I like putting a wading pool in my front yard in the summer and having it fill up with kids without even asking.
I wish shops were closer. I wish there were places to walk other than more houses. But it's nice watching the trees grow up over the years, and having a place to put them. It's nice to have an outdoor clothesline in the back yard. I grow blueberries and raspberries and tomatoes. Kinda fun. My street is flat and my kids learned to ride their bikes on the sidewalks.
My neighbors are artists, immigrants from India, immigrants from Vietnam, engineers, web designers, and a guy who drives a limo. It's fun to see people when they come out of their houses in the spring, and the kids are all a year older.
Those people in those houses aren't as soulless as you think.