Twenty five years ago my home was in the suburbs and I owed twenty thousand more than the house was worth due to a collapse in the real estate market. Now, the same house is considered inner city and it is worth two and a half times what I paid for it and my backyard is one huge vegetable garden with birds and butterflies, bees and an occasional armadillo tearing things up. I wanted to freak back then, but somehow I didn't, and damned if things didn't end up working out just fine on their own. Have a kid or two and you'll look at the world differently. Even McMansions have character after a couple of decades pass.

The time to object to your lifestyle was before you chose the high-income career and the great big mortgage. But now you've got them. Circumstances being the way they are, I suggest you cultivate the ability to like where you've been put (by choice and circumstance).

Some forms of wildlife only do well in vast stretches of unbroken space. Some prefer the seaside; some the mountains. But there are the other ones, the ones that adapt to their environments.

A few specific ideas:

* Use your commute time to listen to audiobooks and enrich your life. Learn Spanish, brush up on Hemingway, master the wisdom of Sun Tzu.

* Find and join some kind of group -- a church, the conservation commission, the political party of your choice, a basketball team or a jug band -- in your town. If there isn't one, start one. Share that beautiful home with others.

* Do something to make your suburb a better place. Volunteer at the food bank. Work with unemployed professionals. Campaign for better public transportation.

There are a zillion people out there who want exactly what you have. That may not make you want it more, but you might consider whether there's something to appreciate before you trash it.

There are so many of us at Hive Omicron.

Or as my mom put it, "Wherever you move, you take YOURSELF with you".

It's surprising how many people still put forth 'the geographic cure' -- that you can totally control the happiness of your life experience by choosing exactly the right place to live in. This is clearly analgous to the whole modern philosphy that we can, if we have enough $$$$, buy exactly the right material possessions to establish who and what we are -- shopping as the ultimate definition of self.

Obviously this is not true. Let me clarify this: if you are "cool", you are cool because of your inner qualities, not your zip code. It utlimately does not matter where you live, or what kind of house you own, or what you wear, or what type of coffee you drink, or if you are an East coaster or Midwesterner, or live in a small town or a village or a planned urban community or a suburb or an exurb or downtown. None of that matters; it never did. You are who you are ON THE INSIDE.

That being said, I agree with the poster who said it is transparent that the LW is having an (early) mid-life crisis, facing down a big mortgage and a future as a married guy with kids on the way. This is pretty intimidating after spending your first 3 decades as a free n' easy grad student, feeling like the future is on permanent hold (but of course, will always be there when and if you want it).

I sure do remember being 26 and signing my first set of mortgage papers and looking at what seemed like an insurmountable Mt. Everest of debt, spilling over decades into (horrors!) the 21st century...it seemed scary and hopeless, and like I'd never be "free"...the kind of "free" where you can just pick up and move wherever you like, and experiment with different cities and parts of the country and lifestyles. I was tied down, and it got even scarier when I realized since you repay only a teeny fraction of your mortgage each month (and back then housing values didn't skyrocket each year, so basically my mortgage like the LWs would not allow me to just "bail" without taking a huge, huge loss). And I sure as hell was no hedge fund manager. So I was stuck.

Like millions of others before and after me. And you know what? I dealt with it. Which is what I recommend to the LW -- because bailing on any large commitment after a few months is chicken, immature and cowardly -- even if there wasn't a huge financial loss. Even if the economy was red hot, and your house had appreciated 20% already and you could get out clean....because it's an immature chicken shit thing to do, will piss your wife off enormously (and with good cause).

Housing markets go up and down all the time, it's the nature of the beast. Some people make money in a few months, others languish for years and lose money. A hedge fund manager can weather even a $100K loss easily, your bonus will make it up plus more, but YOU, the LW need to man up. Be an adult. Take responsiblity for your choices.

If your long term plans include having kids, then your dream of a "forever grad student" life in some imaginary urban dreamland are probably gone for good. They'd have to be, because those places are simply not the same once you are a working adult. The vibe isn't the same and your needs are different.

Very few places are awesomely wonderful right away -- you need to put down roots and make some friends. I suspect there are plenty of things to do and places to go, even in McMansionville. If you have to drive to get there...drive. (If you live in the city, you come to accept walking, buses and cabs. In the 'burbs, you need a car -- deal with it.) I'll bet my last nickel there are coffee shops, bookstores, "quaint walkable" shopping villages, fancy restaurants and all that within a short drive of you.

If after 4-5 years, you still find that this particular house and this particular neighborhood are not your cup of tea, then you can plan an exit strategy. For god's sake, this time, please TAKE THE TIME and use that PhD education to think intelligently about what you and your wife want and need, instead of just jumping on the most expensive thing your income will pay for. At this point, if you sell and move now, even more than the financial loss, you seem to have no real idea of what you want. I can easily imagine you selling, moving to a "cool urban city loft", then two months later the wife is prego and wants to quit her job and be a SAHM....and the condo is too small, the neighborhood not condusive to small kids and the schools will be lousy. And pretty soon, you find yourself "miserable again", and thinking of moving back to McMansionville....and the whole assinine process starts again.

Be an adult. Give your new community and home a chance -- if you just moved last fall, and you live in a "winter climate", this is the crappiest time of the year and might be part of your angst. Everything looks and feels different in the spring, as the world comes back to life (and this is where a pretty suburb or exurb can really shine, because the urban communities are pretty devoid of nature, trees, flowers, shrubs, etc.).

Give it 4-5 years of really trying, and if it doesn't work out, plan for the kind of home and community you really want. That will give you enough time to make a fair effort, and to really know what it is you and your wife want out of your future.

Good luck.