It sounds like the writer wants a community.

In 1991 we built a house in the suburbs. We enjoyed the house very much but not the neighborhood. When we moved in there were 60+ kids in the neighborhood...but we hardly saw more than a half a dozen of them. Hardly any neighbors talked to any other neighbor. Because of geography walking anywhere approached being an impossibility. There really was no community.

The suburban life is great for some but it really is community dependent. I grew up in a suburban community where you could walk or ride your bike to a shopping area, baseball field, etc. The neighbors knew each other, etc. It was a community.

I had naively expected the 1991 suburb to be similar to what I experienced growing up. It wasn't. In 2002 we moved back to the city. People still don't talk to each other as much as they did in my old home town, but the do talk. You can walk or ride your bike to go shopping, to a restaurant, to a movie, etc. Public transit is within a few blocks. It's a community and we're likely to stay.

Had the 1991 suburb been anything like the one I grew up in we'd probably have stayed there as well.

My parents have lived in an older, racially and economically diverse suburb outside a large city, in a mini-mansion, almost-all-white suburb in a small city, and in a loft apartment downtown in a small city. The atmosphere and the people who were their neighbors were completely different in each place. And in each place, my parents reached out and befriended their neighbors, creating their own community. They found something in common with all those people and built a life with them, because they never thought they were too good or too special to fit in with them. It wasn't an attempt to fit in with possessions- with a suburban SUV or a downtown wine and cheese party- but the ability to find something good in the people.

Maybe the LW will find that he always prefers urban living to the suburbs, but first he should try to get over his snobby superiority complex.

LW, you didn't tell us why you moved out to that big house in the first place. There was something about it that attracted you -- the bigness, maybe? Are you thinking you'll have kids soon and will need the extra space? Did you want to be closer to nature? Maybe you were tired of aspects of urban life - the traffic, pollution, crime.

Whatever those reasons were, some of them might be valid and won't necessarily go away. So try to separate what was valid from what was a mistake. Make a list of wants and don't-wants. See if you can find some little town that would give you a lot of what you want and not too much of what you don't.

When we were ready to leave the city, we looked for a house for 3 years. Your letter does a great job of articulating why we just couldn't go for the suburbs. We just dreaded that soulless bedroom community vibe.

Instead, we went beyond the suburbs into the country. We found a house in a village (not that easy to find, but they do exist). It's charming. It's beautiful (natural beauty was very important to us). It's progressive (the town is very environmentally conscious, for one thing), and it's only an hour out of the city. No McMansions. No malls. Lots of educated and friendly people.

It was worth the three years of looking. We're in heaven. Maybe something like that would work for you, or maybe your solution would look quite different.

Take a little time to get clear about what you really want, and then go for it.

Lots of good luck to you...

In all these responses, almost no one has had any consideration for this man's wife, who has also put a lot of time and money into the house, who wants to give the neighborhood a chance, and whose commute has been shortened by living there. The people who are saying- think of yourself and move right now with a financial loss- or -just make her have a few kids- are ignoring that it's not a one person choice.

The LW needs to give this house some time and some more thought for his wife's sake. He needs to make a commitment to honestly trying to find things and people he likes in the neighborhood. If at the end of the year, or when the housing markets come back up, he's still unhappy, then he will have a solid argument for moving that's worth listening to, and he will present it to the person who should be making the decision with him, his wife.

I'm another Phd who can't figure out basic issues and has to ask an advice columnist about real life decisions. I'd say 90 percent of the problems I read in yur column are all from advanded degree holders and pure white bread like myself...

Please, Cary - hold my dick for me while I piss on about life in the 'burbs and how my inner artist can't stand ALL that money in my checking account...

wah, wah, wah...

If LW wants to live in an urban community, he should configure his life over the next few years to do so. But he should consider the logistics of his life if it changes, particularly in regard to children. Of course, many people successfully raise children in urban communities, but many people move to the suburbs precisely because they perceive (right or wrong) that there advantages to raising kids in the burbs.

While I'm not fond of the "garage with attached house" look myself, I live in a suburban community that is not like that and it is the perfect thing for our family.

I like being able to get in my car and go whenever/wherever I want to. Cars are popular because they represent freedom, even if they can be traps at times. Nothing is perfect.

The bottom line is, make a reasoned choice, fully evaluating your options and what you can predict of the future. To paraphrase "Davy Crockett" -- Decide what's right and then go ahead.