My jaw dropped as I read the first paragraphs of Cary's response: somehow or another, this is the life I've been able to make for myself, and little do I realize how incredibly fortunate I am.

If anyone out there doubts the power of designing communities with people's health in mind, I urge you to visit my organization's website to see the project we're putting together in the city of Ventura, California. We're a nonprofit dedicated to making real the American Dream that Cary so dreamily illustrates -- but this dream can, and is, becoming a reality in communities that have a bit of vision. It's amazing what motivated individuals, coming together for a common purpose, can do.

Letter Writer, I urge you to follow your gut, and leave that McMansion! Follow Cary's advice... be a part of a denser, greener, more livable, vibrant community.

http://www.place.us

Dude, Your particular angst is shared by thousands of us stuck in the burbs. I suggest you read James Kunstler's weekly rant at the above address. He wrote The Long Emergency, other books about the burbs, and his predictions are not far off. At the very least, you'll soon realize you're not alone in your loneliness. Best, Rod

When they say those are the three most important things to consider when buying a home, they ain't kidding. Unfortunately, I think alot of buyers presume any good-on-paper location is a good location for them. I love the 'burbs where I live. What makes it good for me is the easy train ride to NYC for work, family nearby - some within walking distance, and most importantly, good neighbors. Another thing -- my neighborhood is old enough, and poor enough that it isn't governed by a home owners association. I have a clothesline, a few of the neighbors have chickens and nobody complains if we don't get our leaves raked. After 15 years in my starter home, I can actually afford to move up to a McMansion, but I won't give up the clothesline and all the 4000 square foot center hall colonials in my town are governed by HOA's that specifically won't allow my favorite use of solar power.

Like others, I caution against assuming that a move to an urban area will quell your anxiety. Cities can be as lonely and stressful as suburbia. Equally important, in the city, when the neighbors are bad, there are more of 'em and they are a whole lot closer.

So easily motivated to move afar from paradise, then willing to take a $100K loss and blame someone else for his ignorance, despite being so well "educated".

If the suburban commute is not for you, then of course, take the $100K loss and move on. Of course, don't be surprised when your wife divorces you. Its ok, there is time for both of you to regroup.

But for the new-urban peanut gallery here, hey, if YOU want to live wall-to-wall in the city, that's fine. Just don't expect those of us who FLEE your 24-hour "encounter" session, to the countryside, to get away from your central-city-government, your "mass transit", your incredible bureaucracy, your "diversity", and your terrible schools, to pay for your experiment. (And yes, I'll stipulate to tollways for the commute.)

Many cities (New York, Boston, Chicago, and others) are ringed by a series of close-in older suburbs that typically have nice old housing stocks on smaller lots, convenient mass transit connections to the city, sidewalks, friendly commercial districts, a real sense of small town culture, etc. You should investigate these places before you write off suburbia. They are in many respects the best of both worlds. You typically don't get those (ugly) double height entrances, media rooms, or 3 car garages. But you can find beautiful old houses that (particularly at your age and before you have kids) are fun to renovate. More importantly you can find real communities in these places.

When will the knee jerk Salon reaction of Suburb bashing stop? I have lived in both NYC and it's suburbs and they both have their positives and negatives, they are just different. As for the prisoner in the big house: I suspect he is just financially over his head and is having constant axiety. He should try to ride out this housing slump and then sell. Next time he ought to buy a house in a town that actually has a village. That takes care of the itch to walk to the hardware store, go out to dinner, or walk in a park without ever getting into a car while at the same time having decent public schools and low crime.

This letter will be buried after 600 others, but I'll write it anyway. I think you should give your new community more time.

My husband and I (mid- to late 30s, recently married, no kids yet) also moved to the suburbs about a year ago. For me, this was the fulfillment of a long-pent-up desire: I lived alone in various urban apartments from ages 23 to 35. There were things I loved about city life, but I always felt disconnected from nature, hemmed in, transient. Apartments never felt like home to me, and frankly, the idea that dense living fosters community is absurd. In New York I lived in 4 different Brooklyn brownstones and never exchanged more than a few words with the people who lived 10 feet away from me, sharing the same walls. There is a certain energy to having lots of people around, but the quality of one's life depends on the relationships one is able to build.

Our New England suburb is somewhat older, wooded, beautiful to drive through, lots of SUVs but not too many McMansions. Because we don't have children, meeting people has been a slow process. Although I LOVE our house and our peaceful property, I have occasionally wondered aloud to my husband if we "picked the wrong town." But you know what? We *are* slowly meeting people, and cool ones, too. I teach in a writing school in the city center, and there I met a very cool woman who lives in my suburb, and she has offered to introduce me to 2 other writers in our town. Recently I joined a political campaign for the first time in my life and met some wonderful, extremely smart people in this and the neighboring town. Would these people be easier to meet if I lived in the city? No. You can walk to a coffee shop in the city, but do you actually bond with strangers when you get there? No.

I cannot speak for the exurbs, where life might have a more ethereal quality. Of course you have to make the choice that's right for you. But I would definitely give your town some more time and see if you can flush out some cool people from behind those scrubbed McWalls, not to mention recover your investment.