I moved back home for the last 6 weeks of my Dad's life, while the brain tumor slowly took him away. He'd known he had serious cancer for a year, but nobody had told him it was hopeless from the day it was discovered. By the time it was diagnosed, his personality had changed, his judgement was shot and I don't think the doctors could afford to take the time to help him understand.

I told Mom I was uncomfortable with nobody telling him. She said I could go ahead if I felt it was right, and that we were all just improvising the best we could.

So I picked one of his good days, and told him. We talked quite a while about it. He was asking appropriate questions and clearly understood. After that, sometimes he remembered and sometimes he didn't. I didn't bring the topic up again, but 3 times he asked, "what's happened to me?" Each time, I gave him the honest, blunt answer, told him I loved him, and answered his questions. His last comment on the subject was, "Well ain't that a bitch?"

LW, it was tough. But he was the one who taught me to be a man. This was a debt I owed and the last one I'd ever get the chance to repay. Sure, both our Moms want(ed) to baby their sick husbands, that's the role they are playing in this tragedy. What's your role? Is there really any chance your Dad wouldn't prefer to know the truth? Sometimes there are different "right answers" for women and men.

Good luck to you,

Elli's husband

Soldier John,

The shell of the man you described your father to be no longer has the ability to process this information to understand what he faces. Acquiesce to your mother's wishes, as she is the one who must deal with the havoc of your father's dementia, not a comfortable numbness you envision.

As a caretaker of a parent with dementia, my advice is to reach out and support your mother as you are able, and despite your father's appearance and behavior, never forget he is your father.

Take care.

I am a veteran of this problem. My mother, who worked as a professional woman until she was 82 showed signs of trouble. We got her to a diagnosis program, referred by her doctor. We met with the evaluative team and were there when she was told she was in the early stages of Alzheimers. She grew very angry and defensive. Nonetheless, she soon became incontinent, could not feed herself or take her medicines on a regular basis. She went from "assisted living" to a hospital to a nursing home in rapid succession in a city a few hundred miles from me, her only child.

I moved her to a nursing home just a few blocks from my home. While still working I saw her steadily, as my son did. We took her out on day trips and to restaurant meals. We insisted to the degree possible that she was herself. I questioned every stage of her treatment. With medical treatment the decline was slow. [Not all patients follow the same pattern.] It lasted ten years. The dementia was modest. She only failed to recognize my children on rare occasions and I was sometimes seen as my father. She was there so long that the nurses and aids felt protedtive and loving. We were lucky. Then one day she had a stroke. Two days later approaching her 92nd birthday, she began to fade away. I took just eleven days.

To the degree you can, stay close to your parent. Someone has to be the anchor to reason, to this world, to life. The more loving the contact the better. There will be unfortunate moments and you can't control the process. Good luck.

Gary Van

at least your office mate doesn't let out noxious farts! then you'd be deluged with advice.

timely column for me --- today I put my dad in an alzheimer's care facility. It was hard for all of us to see him slowly lose his faculties, and it was hard and confusing for him too. Sometimes i would explain to him what was going on -- tell him there were blockages in his brain, and that's why it was hard for him to talk, remember, etc. This seemed to soothe him -- often having an explanation goes a long way to making a person feel better. Good luck, and please get all the help you can.

-Tara21

My mother-in-law is in the early states of Alzheimers. My husband (her son) is a neurologist and knows about Alzheimers and its progression. Her doctor told her what the problem was -- she chose to believe that the doctor was a quack and now absolutely refuses to see any doctor. My husband elects not to talk with her about what is the matter, because she make clear in many different ways that she doesn't want to know and will aggressively reject any attempt to communicate about her problems. In her world, any kind of disease that impacts the brain is socially unacceptable. I don't get it, but apparantly in her community, she perceives mental illness as a social failure. Consequently, she will never accept an Alzheimers diagnosis. Her husband and family understand this, and therefore choose not to engage in battle with her. They elect not to try to discuss her condition with her.

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter one way or the other. His ability to retain information will lessen and he won't really remember. Even if she told him, he'll only remember the why of it sometimes. And it won't be during the moments where he'd most benefit from understanding.

Love them both. And make sure your mom has a practical support system, as this is about to turn into a 24/7 job.

I wish your family the best.

This just broke my heart. My mother told me last week that my Dad has Alzheimer's. This is, she says, the latest diagnosis (without an examination) made by the doctor who hasn't been doing much for him--he (Dad)lives in a state of paranoia and extreme anxiety; he's nailed shut all the windows in the house. Won't let Mom out of his sight. Hides his valuables under her pillow at night so the CIA won't steal them. My sister and I go to them this weekend to begin to untangle what we can--and hopefully convince him to see a specialist in a larger city.

A long time ago, I worked as a medical writer and one of the areas I covered was Alzheimer's research. I know some things about the disease, and the letter writer should certainly become educated asap. There's a lot of good online information, but the physicians researching this area are probably the best resource. I would also recommend Alzheimer's family support groups--they exist everywhere; all of us in the 40-50-year-old range are confronting this with our aging parents.

It used to be that you couldn't offer a definitive diagnosis of Alzheimer's without an autopsy. That has changed, and there are options and resources for both patients and families.

My best wishes to the letter writer. Good luck to you (and me, too).