Letters to the Editor
-
Siblings' behavior sounds reasonable - I'm confused by LW's reaction!
LW, I'm not sure why you feel so attacked. Your angry feelings of being attacked don't actually mesh at all with the facts you stated.
To review: Your sibs gave you feedback that they have issues with your husband's behavior (aloof, not a family person, doesn't ask them questions about themselves - he sounds like a hard guy to have around!). You call these "complaints," which is a dismissive and loaded way to characterize other people's concerns. Maybe his behavior just makes them feel bad and rather than gossip about it like plenty of lesser people would do, they wanted to make things better. Your brother has tried to talk to you about this before, apparently to no avail (you call this "harping," which is a pretty snide way to describe someone trying to tell you about something that bothers them). You tell him to go directly to your husband, so he does. Instead of trying to assuage their concerns, your husband tells your brother to f--- off.
And you have the balls to email your sister playing the victim?? Let's be clear. Your siblings are the victims here, of your dismissiveness towards their feelings and your husband's rudeness (f--- off??).
If you care about these relationships at all, you would do well to reflect long and hard on your sister's letter, and look for ways to mend your behavior. It sounds like your sister is really struggling with you, but she manages to keep a civil tone. If your tone with your siblings is half as snide and dismissive as it is in your letter, it probably makes your sibs feel bad.
I have no idea what you mean by crossing a line in the sand. Nothing your sibs did sounds that rude or mean. It seems like they dared to express how your husband's behavior makes them feel. Why is that so wrong? Your seething reaction makes no sense to me.
-
take the high road
I agree with the advice offered by previous posters, especially rosie1. My mother has fought with two of her siblings like wild cats for the last 20+ years, and only time and distance have helped to improve the situation.
It's not clear to me from LW's letter if LW's husband is American or European. If he's the former, it's possible that subtle cultural differences are leading LW's family to make snap judgments about his personality that are unsubstantiated. Whether or not that's the case, criticizing the personality of an adult sibling's spouse goes beyond the bounds of acceptable behavior (unless that person is an alcoholic or a violent sociopath).
When the issue of your husband's personality comes up again (and I suspect it will), I would try reframing the issue in positive terms. ("Thank you for your observations, Laura. John is very shy. Are you telling me that you'd like to get to know him better?"). If your siblings don't take the bait and instead continue to criticize him, I would politely but firmly end the conversation. ("Laura, I don't want to continue talking about this.")
-
My sympathies with the LW
Her situation reminds me of my husband's family. We used to visit once a year and stay with his mom who has a large townhouse with a finished basement. We (my husband, child and I) slept in the basement. Frankly, it's not terribly comfortable (she has a million tschotckes, so there's no room to unpack your suitcase, it's pitch dark, and the bed is underneath the kitchen where she walks around at 5 a.m.) but it felt rude to stay at a hotel. Until one of my husband's busybody sisters took it upon herself to tell us that our once a year, four-five day stay was too wearing for her mom (despite the fact that all other family visitors stay there for a week or more several times a year). Sis also began calling my husband drunk late at night to rail at him that he was emotionally cold, didn't care about the other family members, and various other sins which amounted to the fact he doesn't have hours to spend on the phone gossiping with her and one of the brothers. Both disturbed sis and disturbed bro have drinking problems, are probably bipolar, and of course neither has a job or anything to do all day except worry about how other people aren't paying enough attention to them. They also both have huge issues about how their father (now deceased) parented them back in the 1960s, which they project onto my husband (who is the oldest of the six kids). Anyway, it's just manipulative, emotional abuse, and I have no patience for it, and even less respect. Both of them act like needy babies and their crap and drama is far more wearing to their mom than my husband's four-day visit could ever be. But rather than deal with their baggage and bullshit, we've just stopped visiting, and mom comes to see us instead (which is a pain for her, but she is quite energetic and doesn't seem to mind). And it is delightful not to see Pyscho Sis and Bizarre-o Brother. Happily Never Again.
-
Family Feud
While I don't live in Europe I do reside in a different country than my two siblings and their spouses (they are in Oregon and California). I can only stand their company for a few days at the most, I love them but I can't stand their politics. They are all rabid Bushites and believe me he can do no wrong. It literally drives me crazy. I almost left a family reunion right in the middle when I expressed some concern for the innocent Iraqis who were being murdered by American occupiers in their own country. My sister said "kill them all and let God sort it out". That did me in, I could have left right then and there and driven 700 mile home without batting an eye except my wife strenuously protested. Another time My sister was complaining about having to pay so much every month for health care and I said I'm sorry you don't have our universal health care. She responded "are you crazy I wouldn't want your health care and all the waiting you have to do for appointments etc." I told her she was the crazy one as I have never experienced a wait for anything and can usually see my doctor within two days from asking and further that what I pay for one year for a family of four she pays in two months for her alone. Needless to say I was ready once again to pack up and leave. I think she is brainwashed and that maybe her husband who is an evangelical had something to do with it. He has been a member of our family for 36 years and I love him to. So what do I do, I shut my mouth and don't visit very often.