Letters to the Editor
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"family'
We have certain obligations to biological family but your 'real family' are people who dig who you are.
Cary, your readers are your 'real family.'
Of course, yr bio-family won't ask yr advice. No prophet is honored in his native home.
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LW,
In some families it is better to observe the rules of polite social interaction.
In some families, one can be real.
It seems to me your family may be in the former category. It is good that the Atlantic ocean separates you.
Lotsa luck to ya.
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expat experience
Oh, can I ever relate.
Another dimension to this is that you are an expat. And this really bothers some people. To the point that the want to make you miserable for the choice that you have made. Why? They might feel rejected by you. Or competitive with you. Or judged by you (especially if you extoll the virtues of your adopted home). Or bitter that your kids are being raised in another culture and aren't closer to the family. We have learned this the hard way.
We are Amerian, but live in Europe. With some of our family members we can't talk AT ALL about our lives here. Not even simple day-to-day stuff. It just makes them angry and critical. So we keep things as superficial as possible. But even that doesn't really work, because we can't really participate in a lot of the small talk (we're not up on American sports, weather, recent child kidnappings, etc.). We are drifting away culturally and this infuriates some people. And our son doesn't understand why his family is so critical of his life here (the only life he has really known). And the family doesn't understand why he isn't exactly the same as an American kid. It is sad, but some relationships are just permanently strained simply because we've chosen a different life (telling them we were moving here was like coming out of the closet).
And then there are other family members and friends that understand us and can see that we are happy and are happy for us. They open their homes to us when we come back for visits and are happy to see us. They come to visit us here, too. You just have to take the good where you can find it and deal with the bad the best you can. That's all you can do.
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Some things need to be left alone
Your family may never get on with your husband. It's not the end of the world. I suggest that, next time you visit, leave hubby at home with the younger child. If he is truly antisocial, stop pushing him on your family. Go by yourself or with one of the kids, and spend your time hanging out with your sibs and parents.
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Continue to Take the High Road
Thoght LW's restrained response to her family's "helpful clearing of the air" was right on target. The challenge is in letting go of the sequalae of feelings that revolve around wishing that one had been far, far more direct.
The real issue to look at is what LW wants to hold on to. LW has already chosen to carve out a life in another country so the day/day context of familial relationships is not possible. Hard to imagine that it would re-assert itself in a magical three week visit with ailing parents and sibs whose personalities have not mellowed over time.
In addition to staying someplace other than LW's parents, I would suggest that LW and her family stay elsewhere completely - with NO affiliation with any family member. Then, plan an agenda of visitiation that involves a mix... given that this is a "major European capital" there are undoubtedly things that may be of real interest to the older child, activities that can form a memorable circumstance for him. Balance family time with other acitivites.....
As for those family steriotypes, they die hard, and they frequently are self-serving in terms of certain family dynamics and dysfunctions. It may be easier for LW's family to see her as a 'flake', which is not the image that comes to mind when I think of someone creating an acculturated life in a new country. Rather, I think of resiliance, curiosity and a certain amount of risk-taking, all behavioral traits that may be risky for LW's family of origin to acknowledge, as by doing so, they validate her decision to leave the family setting/nest, even the family's country of origin.
Perhaps, somewhere in here, it would be appropriate for the witty but overbearing sister and the witty but overbearing brother to visit in this country - staying in a hotel, apartment, whatever.. and began to see LW in her new context. It might even change their view of LW's spouse.
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Only write positive things in letters
There's a saying that goes something like "only write in a letter what you would be willing to have printed on the front page of the New York Times" or "only write in a letter that which you would be willing to defend in court."
Writing out our complaints can be a useful tool if used only to sort out our own thoughts. For complaints with others, it is obviously the coward's way out. And it's a really bad form of communication. That goes for email, instant messaging, any form of writing. Brave people deal with troublesome issues in person or if circumstances don't allow for it -- over the phone.
In this situation it seems like taking the high road and being friendly and naive is the best tactic. Continue to visit when you can -- and stay at a hotel. Continue to invite your family over to visit, and be welcome and charming. Think of yourself as teflon.
Everyone's family drives them nuts. But we only get one family so we have to make the best of what we've got. You can see from other letters to this column that estrangement often leads to years of unhappiness, questions, and lingering guilt.
But we'd all be better off if we'd stick to the letter rule.
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having your own space
I don't live near any of my family, and MUST have my own space whenever I visit. I need a place to decompress and relax - two things I know I cannot do around my family. Even if I really can't afford it, I get a hotel anyway. It's well worth my sanity.