Letters to the Editor
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Dear Megan,
I've been thinking all day as the best way to respond---I'm still having a hard time so bear with me.
Twelve years ago I was in your position. I was pregnant with my third child when my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
When I got the call from the hospice nurse that *her time * was near, I moved my kids to Vermont. ( We live in N.J. and my husband was behind any decision that I needed to make.)
Thing did not work out so well.
My advice would be the same as Papabotts. Don't move -- travel when you can. Make a plan with your sisters-- a timetable as to who does what and when. Be kind to each other and make a pact that things that get said in the *heat of the moment* must be forgiven and forgotten.
Stay in Colorado and hold onto the love of your husband and child. Best wishes
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Cary's right; don't move
If it helps, look at your child and imagine him/her as an adult who has been able to take flight on their own, find their own path, find a place they enjoy, find a good life. Would you want your child to give that all up for you? I have no doubt your mother wants to see you but I bet she derives a real sense of peace knowing that you have moved on to a life of your own. Don't take that from her.
(For what its worth, I write this as a mother of 3 adult children, one of whom now lives 1500 miles away from me, and as a daughter who lived 1500 miles away from her mother when she died nearly 20 years ago. It was a hard time but I haven't second guessed the decisions I made at the time. And I most definitely wouldn't want my daughter to move 'back home' for me.)
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grown children
It's so hard when your children grow up and leave home. At least it was for me ~ a multiyear adjustment. But it seems that LW's mom has already adjusted to her daughter living in another state.
I really think that if I were in LW's mom's situation, I'd not want my daughter to move back just because of me. I'd be used to her living far away. I'd be so grateful for her visits. But I'd want her to keep living her life as much as possible with as little stress as possible and where she has chosen.
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For what it's worth...
This letter reminded me of my own mother's passing. I spent as much time with her as I could, driving 60 miles every weekend at the last few weeks of her life. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we just sat together, sometimes we played scrabble. I treasure those times, even though after she passed I discovered she didn't like me. In her will, she listed her children's names in order of preference, and I was the last, even though I spent the most time in the end. But I wouldn't take back those last times for anything. I'm glad I didn't sacrifice my home to be near, though. My story probably has nothing to do with the LW except to offer a little perspective.
Spend all the time that you are able, but don't put your own life and family in a precarious position, is my opinion.
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Play It By Ear
Hi Megan,
My mom had ovarian cancer, too. The crazy thing about it was that things could be looking really terrible, and then the doctors would say she was actually doing okay, and then there'd be a sudden turn for the worse again. Her original prognosis gave her less than a year to live; it ended up being about a year and a half.
I think when a lot of people hear "cancer" they think, "Oh, she's dying! It could be any minute! Get home, now! What are you thinking, you selfish ingrate?" But as another reader pointed out, cancer doesn't always work like that - it's up and down, and even when they say "she's dying now" ... she might not be. On the flip side, there's no guarantee that we get any warning at all.
I say this not to depress and confuse you further, but to acknowledge that because you do not know what road lies ahead for your mom and your family, it's mighty hard to plan. When my mom got sick, lots of people just assumed I would drop everything and move home. I was single with no children, so I guess they figured I had no good reason to maintain the life I was living far away.
For me, it ended up working best to visit a lot, but maintain my life elsewhere. I went about once a month, often for a week at a time. At the end I was there for a full month. My parents lived in a rural area where there weren't many young people - I can't imagine what it would have been like for me to live there, and what I would have been left with once my mom passed away. Also, my dad, who was my mom's primary caregiver, got really manic and difficult during that time. I know I would have gotten sucked into the craziness if I'd moved home full-time. It helped me to be able to recharge, far away, between visits. I think it may also have helped my mom and dad, too, that when I came home I brought a fresh perspective and news from the outside world. I was fortunate that my work gave me lots of time off through this period - they were incredibly understanding. Sometimes I regret that I didn't spend even more time with my mom, but really, nothing would have been enough. What I'm really regretting is simply that she isn't here now, and there's nothing I could have done to change that.
Anyway, this is quite long-winded. I guess what I want to say to you is that I think there's no "should" here, other than that you should do what feels right for you. Also, I don't know about you, but it used to make me incredibly tense when people would make off-handed remarks that my mom was obviously dying, or that I had to face the fact that she would die soon. Who are they, God? Even the doctors don't necessarily know what will happen, even at the very end. I got tense just reading some words like that, just now. If it works best for you to hold on to hope, go for it. If it's more your style to prepare for the worst, that is good, too.
My sympathies, and hang tough.