Letters to the Editor
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Alpha Female
I hear you on the pointless errands! I did have about 3 lucid weeks with my mother, but still had to prepare for an extended stay. Don't fret about the errands because you make the decisions you had to make to ensure your own life would continue smoothly afterwards with the information you had at the time.
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Move by yourself, temporarily
I guess that would be considered an extended stay, but you should stay for the long haul. Your husband will understand, and your kids will survive (whether they go with you or not). Meanwhile you will have the house in Colorado ready to go back to, and it will be welcome after your mom passes away.
My friends helped maintain my apartment when I stayed on the other coast until it was time. It never occurred to me to do otherwise, and in the absolute worst case scenario I would have put my stuff into storage.
Some of the details you're dealing with now will mean nothing when you're wishing you had every extra minute a few years after she passes away.
Candypants, thanks for addressing the "primary allegiance" issue.
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BR, Twinkle
Any spouse worth their weight will support their partner in the premature death of a parent.
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I'm so sorry....
Dear LW,
I lost my mother 10 years ago, from a protracted battle with colon cancer, and I have the deepest sympathy for your situation. I, too, lived in a different state and had to deal with the emotional turmoil of love and guilt and anger and frustration. My mother never wanted my life to be totally disrupted because of her situation and was happy when I visited and happy simply when I called. My father, fortunately, was a wonderful caretaker and we knew that she was supported at all times. I have 3 other siblings and 4 nieces and nephews and we rotated visiting to avoid overtaxing my mom.
The thing is, this is about your mom. It is her battle and ultimately her death. After her passing you will have time to fret and grieve but now it about what she wants and needs. I suspect she would not want you to turn your life upside down for her. There will always be regrets and feelings that what you did was inadequate. That is the nature of the beast.
Do the best you can, without altering everything in your life. Dying is a natural part of the life cycle and you will be okay. Your mother knows you love her.
All the best.....
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Re: "Any spouse worth their weight..."
"Supporting" a spouse does not require uprooting a family to move across the country to address the needs of extended family.
"Support" would be providing the LW and her family with the emotional support and financial resources she needs to be there with her mother during this time.
How is it "supportive" of anyone to arrange a move, find two new jobs, and acclimatize a child to a new environment in the midst of a terminal illness?
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Tough situation
My sympathies go out to the letter writer. No matter what you do, there will be doubt and confusion...wondering if you did the right thing.
But ask yourself, this: At some point in the future, will you be willing to move to be with your husband's family when and if his parents are in ill health? Would you be able to do so, freely, and without resentment? It is only fair to ask yourselves this question, and to answer honestly. I think that you'll then have your answer.
I wish the best for you and your family.
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Jobs and Wisconsin
Since you love Colorado, don't go. You make home where you are. Visit, use FMLA. But do spend the time. My father died suddenly when I was 14. I never got to say goodbye, or anything. The best thing is to have no regrets. Be kind to yourself about that.
Do you know you will be able to get a job there? There are a lot of jobs in the south of the state, far fewer professional jobs in the north and north west. If your mother is close to Minneapolis or the Minnesota border, well, that makes it even easier in the job issue.
Are we talking urban or rural Wisconsin? Madison is one of the best cities to live in. Yes, you can get Thai delievered (and in some of the smaller cities as well). Milwaukee is very urban, with Chicago very close. The people trying to make Wisconsin sound like the last frontier with bears in the backyard an all that don't know what they are talking about.
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Supportive spouses
Taking up the slack at home so that the LW can spend a significant period of time visiting her mother is support. Expecting the husband and the children to give up their day to day existence to move a long distance is something altogether different. I doubt if LW's mother expects it either (as a mother, I certainly wouldn't).
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This sucks. Plan ahead.
I've been through the death of two parents from cancer, and I have a 5 month old. I haven't had the schizophrenic experience of both at the same time. You poor thing - so much love going in such different directions.
Cary's right. don't move yet. You'll know when time is here to drop everything and go there.
In the meantime, do some concrete things now:
get a pack-n-play in Wisconsin, and reach out to neighbors or your mom's friends now for future babysitting. If you're nursing, make sure you have a good pump. If you can swing it, order diapers, wipes, spare onesies online and have 'em sent to your folks' house.
Look into flights now and book one or two trips. Assume you will not use one of them, or have to pay some absurd amount to move the dates. Include a $125 change fee in your calculations of how much any ticket will cost because you really can't rely too much on plans.
Talk to your boss now.
Cancer's a long road that can speed up or slow down at any time, so my advice is to prepare for when it's fast and crazy. And shitty.