Letters to the Editor
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RE: Allegiances
No one is saying that the LW should ignore her mother and not be there.
However, many problems arise in marriages when people do not put their spouse first. Meddling in-law's, folks who won't draw boundaries with their families, the old cliched issues about children being tied to parents' apron strings...you get the idea. The tired cliche of "Everybody Loves Raymond" rings true because these things happen often.
None of this applies to the LW's situation, however, and I don't want to stray too far off topic.
I would not have married my husband if I didn't know that I would be first. Doesn't mean he should not love and be there for his family, and me for mine. We have both had ill and dying family members. But when push comes to shove, he places my needs above all others. And vice versa.
If you can't put your spouse first, save yourself the headaches, and don't get married. That's pretty much the point of marriage...to commit to love another person above all others. Doesn't mean you don't love others. It means that your spouse is first and foremost in your thoughts.
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Take the opportunity
Your husband is being wonderfully flexible and supportive. Your mom may not have much longer. You can always move -- you have the rest of your life to move around. You don't have much time left with mom.
Do it for your mom, but also do it for you -- because if you don't, you're going to be left with a lot of guilt.
And what message are you teaching your child? If you don't make this move because you hate Wisconsin, are afraid you are going to make your husband resentful you will teach your child that when you get old and get cancer it's OK to just stay put 'cause you hate the location.
Move to where mom is. You will be missing her soon.
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Re: candypants
You prefaced by saying that you are not married, so I guess that explains part of your letter. It's true that people only die once, and LW should most definitely make space in her life for her mother's death. But it's also true, for instance, that her child will only learn to walk once, will only have one first day of kindergarten, and before LW knows it, she will be teaching him or her to drive. I envision someone running all over the country to be with their siblings and parents in their hour of need, or as they are dying, while pushing that "lifetime" with their own husband and children out into the future, and missing the daily, worthwhile treasures that make up that lifetime.
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Don't Move
You left Wisconson for some very specific reasons. I can't say that I blame you. I left the Midwest for the West Coast for a lot of the same reasons.
The thing is when you leave you are ALREADY saying "I can bear to be apart from my family." You can bear it. It was your choice. If your mother was not dying would you feel this inexorable pull to be near to her and your other family members? Probably not.
This is because you do not need to live near them. You might love them, and want their support, and want to be with them as your mother passes...this is, of course, normal. But you don't want to live with these people in Wisconson. Otherwise you'd ALREADY be doing that. Cancer or not.
When your mother passes what will you be left with? You'll be in Wiscoson. Cold, with no place that delivers Thai food, and no delivery at all outside of pizza and some dubious hot wings after 9 PM. Your friends and colleagues will discuss the Packers. Maybe weekends in the Dells during muggy mosquito-bitten summers.
What will keep you there? Do you think the proximity to your family will be enough to sustain you in Wisconson? Will it spring from your mother's passing? Was it hibernating when you moved to Colorado, but now it's awake?
I'm guessing no. I could be wrong. If I'm wrong: if your mother's passing made you realize that Colorado, its culture and opportunities pale in comparison to your need to be with your family even after the tragedy passes then move home.
But if you expect to feel not-at-home once the drama is over then do not move. Visit, telecommute from Wisconson, use up all your miles and get a phone plan with more minutes. Stay in your old bedroom, lay in bed with your mom drinking tea and listening to the wind howl outside and send her off happily knowing that you have a beautiful home and life that will sustain you emotionally and financially after she passes.
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Cary's right
LW does need to be with her mom as much as she can, but she also needs to consider what she herself would want her child to do if he/she was put in similar circumstances. As a mother myself, I know that I would never want to be the reason for my child to move away from a place her family loves and considers home. My job as her mother was to give her life and nurture her until she became independent, and started her own family (in whatever that means to her); it's the whole 'circle of life' thing. It would be selfish to expect her to uproot her family to be by my side full-time, even if I were on my deathbed. I suspect most mothers would feel the same way.
And considering that there are plenty of family members in WI, and thus LW's mother is not alone in coping with her illness, moving seems to be a rather dramatic response. I know LW is torn, but it seems short-sighted and a bit impulsive to scrap a life your immediate family loves out of obligation to your family of origin.
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Cary is right - don't move
Don't uproot your whole life because of a situation that will not be long-lasting. Your mother would not want that.
By all means, go be with your mother. Time is short, and you'll be happier knowing you were there for her in her last days. But stay in her guest room or rent a room by the week at someplace like Amerisuites. It'll be cheaper in the long run, both financially and emotionally.
Don't add to your stress by throwing moving and job changes in with the impending death of a parent. It is too much for any person to deal with, and your mother would almost surely feel guilt (however unfounded) for causing so much stress in your life at an already difficult time. Being there for your mother is wonderful. Adding more drama to your life is not.