Letters to the Editor
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Oh Just Go
You never know. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer and died 17 days later. 17 days.
I still regret the only day I had to spend running stupid pointless errands instead of being with her, turned out it was the last day she was lucid. She died 2 days after that.
You'll have plenty of time to worry about what effect moving has on your family, and yes, you'll have plenty of time to bitch about the weather if that's what's more important to you.
You won't have any time to spend with your mother after she's dead, but you will have a lifetime of regret.
Stop making excuses and go.
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And Oh Yeah
That dread you feel isn't because you might have to move back to a state you don't love. It's because your mommy is dying.
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spend as much time as you can
Dear LW, When my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer I was living 1300 miles away and I didn't have the resources to just move or to spend extended amounts of time with him. I would travel every couple of weeks to visit him and stay 4 or 5 days. It was hard. I had a young child too. But now that I look back I regret not putting more of my life aside and not spending even more time with him. He died within 6 months and I felt that I hadn't taken that possibility seriously enough. It was just too hard to really imagine.
So my advice would be not to move, which will probably only take up a lot of energy which you could better spend on your mother, but to take as much vacation as you can or even take a sabbatical from work and stay with her for as much time as you can.
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Hobson's choice
LW, I am sorry your Mom is so ill. It is terrifying when someone you love is suffering and there isn't much you can do. I wonder if your Mother would really want you to uproot, knowing how hard it is to feel settled in a place you like with a decent job and neighbors you like.
In your extended family, the threat of losing your Matriarch is larger than any plan, but is your move really going to help? You will know the right thing for your family. It will come to you and you will just know you've done the right thing. You have a lot going on if you have a child under 6 months, so be patient with yourself, be kind. Make sure you let your husband know how grateful you are that he is willing to move, because that is a selfless and loving gesture.
This must be so difficult, I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now. Know that you are not alone and that others are thinking of you.
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You cannot maintain perspective when "perspect" is on top of you.
My Dad died from Cancer, I've had it and I lost a close friend and cousin to it as well. The patient, your mom is going to be exhausted, and with all you girls in the mix, it's alot for HER to handle, let alone you girls, which ought to be the first priority. And undoubtedly, with all these sisters, and three different personalities, there will be someone who feels they give more or less, or she hogs time with Mom, or she's no help, etc. I suggest you try and find out what your mom wants and make a real plan, once you find this out, for you all to spend time with her both together and separately so you can all maintain a life and keep the time with your mom balanced and productive & happy for all. this way she won't go through more pain from exhaustion, (you cannot overrate the exhaustion of chemo treatments!) With a plan, however, no one will feel as cheated and all get their fair share of "Mom-Time", etc. This way you can all carry around positive energy when you are with her, (another thing not to be over-rated), and get through this as a team full of coherence and love that she probably wants. I agree that by moving you'd uproot your kids & hubby when it is not needed. Sure, make all the extended visits you can. but an unscheduled mess of visits from everyone and anyone will not serve anyone's best needs and it will leave a mark on your kids, (some good, some bad, as it left on me) to be so close to death or the possibility thereof without a real escape back to a "home" they now know.With all this help, you should be able to do a great job of making her time left on earth a loving and positive experience for all, and her feeling no pressure other than wishing to see her kids and Grankids the tiniest bit more. (I truly believe it's like showbiz,...always leave them wanting a little bit more and all walk around feeling the greatest amount of love and good wishes possible, as crazy as that may sound.) But above all, place your moms needs, which will change daily and hourly above anyone else's. she's the one going through the worst of it.Seek support from anywhere, as there is much to be had from others in similar situations in their past on many Cancer dealing websites.Patience, patience, patience, and love, love, LOVE! Good luck.
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think creatively
LW says:
In my state of shock, anger, sadness and confusion, I feel like I'm not thinking creatively about ways to maximize the time we have left with my mom without making a permanent move and winding up forever unhappy in our decision.
You don't mention your financial or working circumstances, but even so, a permanent move will not be inexpensive.
Take a leave of absence. Take your son with you. Stay as long as you can.
You will never regret it, and your mother will take much joy from her grandchild's smiles when it's her time to shed this mortal coil.
Peace to you, LW
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Don't move back for someone who is leaving
Visit, spend as much time as you can. Enjoy the quiet moments and the memories you and your mom can sort out before she leaves. Let her meet your son.
But don't move unless you feel like it's a step forward. If your heart is in the Colorado mountains, the world will seem far too flat if you go back.