Letters to the Editor
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Wow
This is a seriously depressing thread. So this is what (most) American mothers turn into.
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Er..._why_?
>In addition, if you do stay at home with your kids, you will find that your social life becomes very centered on other (mostly) mothers with kids.<
Because a choice like that just happens, right? It's not something you can control by keeping your interests more open and not letting motherhood define you and staying in touch with your non-mommy friends, correct? This is one of the most annoying things about the uber-mom crowd--that "poor little me--I'm at the mercy of being a mother" crap. They act like their life is being acted upon, as if they are totally and completely at the beck and call of husbands/children/relatives/any-and-everybody. It never seems to occur to them that they can draw boundaries--that they don't have to let themselves be whittled down to wifey-moo with no opinions or life. (Judith Warner's NYT column is a perfect example of this kind of head. She's based any number of columns complaining about having to do something because "other, good mothers are doing it" or because the family expects it or because the Joneses expect it, or whatever. It never seems to occur to her that she could have headed off problems by just saying no in the first place. And until I got an earful of uber-mom martyrdom online, I never could figure out why she didn't.Now I know.) I would bet good money that it is this martyrdom-as-a-badge-of-honor mess that really unnerves the LW--the "I'm a mom!" thing is just a symptom of that.
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moms ARE disgusting
and so it is understandable that you are grossed out by them.... when I see a mother and/or father with children, I get the same feeling as when I see a Hummer SUV: that these people are assholes. There is NO reason to give birth to children at this point in history; if you want to adopt, fine, but tie those tubes, cut that vas, or just keep your pants on. And don't buy pets from breeders either -- adopt from a shelter!
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Abort! Abort!
There's *no way* you should be having babies. Some people aren't cut out for parenting (I'm one of them), and that's fine. But if you're getting worked up about subordinating your life to your children *when they have yet to arrive*, then I don't see how being married with kids will possibly end well.
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Gee, I am pretty happy to tell you I am a mom.
I am a mom. Three times in fact. I wrote a book about it too. I suspect with a little different attitude about motherhood. My book comes out in May, around Mothers' Day. You can learn about it at my website http://www.somebodysalwayshungry.com. People tell me it's pretty funny and very touching. To me, it's just about my life with my muses...insane, life changing, and, yeah, pretty funny.
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If You Don't Want to Pigeonholed as "A Mom" Then Don't Let it Happen
I really don't understand the big deal. If you think that your child will be such a minor part of your life, LW, then just don't mention him or her. I dare you.
Listen, I know full well the heavy weight of assumption that admitting to parenthood is going to bring, but what do you care? You know who and what you are, supposedly. Why do you give a flying rat's ass what other people think? Why are you obsessing about people you obviously don't want to emmulate?
And I wasn't being totally flip in my first paragraph. If you meet someone you want to befriend about something other than children, then just put off mentioning that you have any until it is absolutely necessary. I worked outside the home when my children were growing up, but I doubt most of the people I worked with even knew I had any. I worked with people who were always in a hurry, and there wasn't much time for chit chat, and even if there was we talked about the news, or elections or the weather, or the project I was helping them complete.
As far as some of the lightweight posters who bloviate about "how can you give yourself up to another person?" and blah, blah, blah, sorry, but until that baby learns how to use the faucet and knock down the cereal box off the shelf, it's going to be totally dependent on you for its very life, at least until dad gets home from work. For the first six monthes or so, YOU ARE A MOM, first and foremost, whether you like it or not.
But don't worry, it gets better. That mom first and foremost title can be shrugged off pretty early in the game, and in your case, you are one up on most mothers in that you don't seem to want to live through your children.
By the time they are out of the house, as mine are, you might not even mention to a new acquaintance that you are a mom, because to a certain extent you are not anymore. Your work, for the most part, is done. All you have to do then is try to keep from gritting your teeth when people ooze pity that you no longer have kids to dote on. Oddly, enough, its usually childless people who do the oozing. Curious. I've sometimes thought that there should be a word or words for mothers and fathers with grown children. How about Mother or Father Emeritus?
Maybe I just don't get out enough anymore, but I have never heard anyone say "I'm a Mom." I've heard, "I have (fill in the number) children," coupled with profession or hobby or passion, but never, "I'm a Mom." Even my Grandmother, who was born at the turn of the last century identified herself in her Church bulletin as a wife, mother, grandmother, killer Cribbage player, Church treasurer and grower of prize-winning roses. If she had lived to have e-mail, her name would have been "Iluvroses." Maybe times have changed for the worse.
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I'm a mom!
And I like it, a lot more than I expected to. I learned how to play video games. I learned how to take apart and clean an N-scale locomotive. I learned HTML. I'm revisiting algebra. I've done all of these things because I had a child who got into them, and I got sucked into the Mommy Vortex. It's an interesting place to be.
I am sick to death of being asked to define myself in traditionally male terms: by my job. I have one, but it's not who I am. It's a thing I do. I enjoy it, but it's not my identity any more than my hobbies define me.
I am also sick to death of the contempt aimed at mothers by our society. To my mind, it's a contempt of women in general, because motherhood is a uniquely female experience. This is not to say that men don't make excellent primary caregivers, only that certain aspects of reproduction are unique to women, and it's the female parent who is called Mom.
So why are we reducing motherhood to a stupid, disgusting chick thing? Why should we act as if we're ashamed of having done something uniquely female by shunting that aspect of our lives into the background and defining ourselves as males are taught to do? So women have been having babies for centuries. Men have had jobs for centuries. Neither one of these things is especially new, so why should the job thing have more cachet than the parent thing? Both are part of being human.
Frankly, I think this "I am my job" thing is far worse, and I would prefer to free men from it than enslave women to it. We are so much more than what we get paid for. Why should that be our identity?
But yeah, those first few years are a bit brain-dead and giddy. It was a while before I became someone other than "N----'s Mom" in introductions, but I never resented it. I was happy to not be nine months pregnant anymore, and a bit stunned by the responsibility I'd been given.
I see no reason why my job or my hobbies should be given top billing, as if motherhood was a source of shame.
And I do hear men introduce themselves as "_______'s Dad" in various places, and I like it. I think it reflects an increasing involvement with their children, which I think is a good thing.