Letters to the Editor
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"Bitch" is the right term for people who are grossed out over petty bullshit
Who are these women who think that they have the right to judge how other women identify themselves? How other women live their lives. Navel gazing was far too kind. The guilting in the word "gross" is just staggering. This is pettiness on a grand scale. How are "moms" hurting these people?
The question is obnoxious, the observation is not "sane" or "reasonable". To assume that "I am a mom" means that a woman is some stereotype of selfless martyr is just nasty. Those people who assume that stereotype, who are criticizing the "moms" tell us something ugly about themselves. As long as I am not hurting someone else, who cares if I am "just a mom"? Maybe I just don't want to talk to that person about what else I do.
What is female is devalued here. That women are the ones devaluing other women's uniquely female experience is incredibly sad.
The LW needs to learn to talk to people who are different than she is. Maybe then she can be more tolerant, less judgemental, and think of something to say to "a mom".
I stand by my earlier post, margaretleo. People have the right to chose how they present themselves to the world. If she doesn't like that, she needs to look to herself to see why such a harmless thing causes such a disproportionate, ridiculous, controlling, over the top response.
I hope she never has bigger problems than what people call themselves.
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I guess in addition to..
astronomical obesity rates, American prosperity has also created an entire generation of these hypercompetitive women with their heads firmly ensconced up their asses.
Bravo!
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Why have children?
I'm struck by the aggressive, almost angry responses LW has received from mothers who claim having kids does take over and define your life. If they are so sure, why even bother to attack?
LW and most of her respondents, I'm guessing, aren't having kids because they don't have access to birth control or because they need kids to work on the farm. So why? There's the hormones, there's the convention (for a lot of folks, it seems unimaginable NOT to have kids) and there's the "personal identity project"--because having kids seems like a fundamental human experience they don't want to miss, because they want to feel and give the love, because they can't imagine anything else that would be equally important. The PIP seems to over-ride logical reasons not to have kids, like over-population. It makes sense, then, that once people have made this choice for identity-based reasons, they have to justify it in terms of identity-based reasons. One respondent suggested that for herself, identifying as a "mom" was kind of a cover-up--the perfect excuse--for all the things she's given up or failed to do. I suspect this may be true for a lot of the angry respondents. Our culture provides no greater cover-up, because parenthood, especially motherhood, is seen as holier than almost any other undertaking; nevertheless, people like LW who question its exclusive centrality are threatening to people who have bought into this role.
I'm pretty sure that the mothers who are still working on the farm, selling street food in third-world cities, or making our clothing in maquilladoras do not find that raising kids is a full-time, all-consuming identity. Perhaps some of them wish that it could be.
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Been There Done that, Regret it...
At age 63, this is what I say now: While I have perfectly normal, professional successful adult children that I love dearly, if I had it do over again I would never have done it.
I regret it. I am feeling the loss of my youth, my best years and a yearning for a separation from the anxiety of being required to report for every holiday, birthday, etc.
My children think I am a great Mom. And I probably am. My grandchildren think I am a wonderful grandmother. And I probably am.
I never learned to be just me. And I have regrets. I gave up my life for others. But, they will never know it. I made the choice, and it was the wrong one. I also made the choice to never let them suffer for my decision.
Society needs to teach women it is OK not to have children. I taught one daughter that and she listened. I today consider her to be extremely happy, in her mid 30s. It does not have a damn thing to do with her career or husband either. She just figured out that life is meant to be lived. My other daughter ( and daughter in law) are stressed out from work, children, spouses, etc. I help, as do the other parent and in-laws, but it really falls back to the mother.
Call me selfish, call me indifferent, call me cold. But please, consider the alternative. Not having children is perfectly OK.
Some of us were just not cut out to be Mothers. But we appreciate those of you who are.
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re: Why have children
"I'm pretty sure that the mothers who are still working on the farm, selling street food in third-world cities, or making our clothing in maquilladoras do not find that raising kids is a full-time, all-consuming identity. "
...and I'm sure that the children forced into child labor out of extreme poverty don't find being a quasi-motherless child a full-time, all-consuming identity, either.
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I think I know what she means
It seems to me that what the LW fears most is turning into one trick pony 'professional mom' that has no identity outside of her parental status. Contrary to what some here seem to believe, mothering is not a contest. It almost seems like a pissing contest for some moms to see who can be Martyr Mom Of the Year. Saying that you are so devoted to caring for your children that you haven't showered in days, had sex with your husband in months, or been out of the house sans child in years does not make you a better mom. Some seem to think that whoever suffers and sacrifices the most of themselves must be a better parent and that's bull. Too often women like this forget to be wives and if you don't believe me go ask their husbands. It is interesting that you never hear men say that their use of the reproductive organs is the most unique or defining thing about them. It really isn't unique at all. As far as I'm concerned, reducing women to their reproductive capacity is no more empowering than reducing them to their T&A.
So, LW, when you become a parent, do your best. Love your kid and love yourself and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for continuing to be a whole person just because they couldn't.