Letters to the Editor
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Non-mom motherhood police
Why do women feel they have the right to guilt other women over how they identify themselves? Why do I have to act like a guy to be feminist? THIS is why so many women DO NOT identify with feminism.
If I want to say I'm a mom, the person who is grossed out has the problem. I don't feel I HAVE to tell someone at a cocktail party all of my business. I'm not a walking personals ad.
I work. But work does not define me. People who have been laid off find out the hard way that defining them,selves by work can devestate you if you get laid off.
LW should worry about her own self. Her letter sounds smug and spoiled. She's a prime candidate to "lose" herself. Saying "I's a mom" does not mean you over identify as a mom. But a LOT of people on this thread are either 1. apologetic about motherhood or 2. straight out hostile or 3. ignorant and/or self-centered.
I know real feminists. Some of them do say "I'm a mom". They also believe women have a right to choices, women don't have to act like men to be equal, those things that women do have equal value.
The truth is that some people on this thread see parenthood as a low-value role. That's a left problem. The majority sees it as a role that cuts across class, than can bring women together. I think the lack of status and class for mothers is why the LW is being such a navel gazing bitch about it.
Given the number of women who harm their children, we should be happy to see responsible, caring mothers. We should reinforce that. We should respect the role more. Until that happens, people who disrespect the role of "mom" can just STFU around me. Because I will tell you to shut up, bitch! And so will my friends who DO NOT have kids.
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Moms are Gross?
Placentas are gross.
Toddler diapers are gross.
Smug people are gross.
When Suzanne said she would never, ever wear Mom jeans & that she would retain her fabulous style, that was smug AND gross.
When she gained 30 pounds and kept on trying to be a diva, THAT was gross.
I am smug.
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Correcting your comparison
Cary, your imagined phrase, "Well, I'm (giggle) a wife!", makes the wrong comparison. Instead, try imagining, "Well, I'm (giggle) a dad!" I *imagine* this would be heard even less often.
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Mom phobia
I can totally relate to the LW. I'm 35, and my husband and I have finally decided that we want to have a child...we have just begun trying, as well as looking at adoption. I really would like to have a baby...but I go to the grocery store and see other women with their kids and am so annoyed. "Breeders" we call them, a kid or two in the basket, another on the way. I am annoyed by the way they talk to their children, their mini vans and SUVs, their baggies of cheerios. Meeting Moms is even worse...the blathering about how it has made them complete. Like we somehow are not complete because until now we have chosen not to have children?
My husband works in a high school where a frightening number of the students have or are expecting babies. They are so proud of this. "Wow," I feel like saying, "You and cockroaches and stray dogs and rabbits can all breed, you must be so proud." Where does this resentment come from? I think it has to be from the people who define themselves first and foremost as Moms. I hope that I will always be able to define myself as a woman who happens to have (or not) a child. I don't want to lose my individuality (or sense of style, intellectual curiosity, satisfying marriage) because I have chosen to reproduce.
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Divide
The difference between the parents and the non-parents in this thread is striking. In general, one side seems more compassionate, open-minded, realistic and secure. That being said, I can understand where the other side is coming from. The interesting thing about humans is that we can never truly understand something until we are living it. We can imagine we understand it, but the actual understanding doesn't arrive until after the fact.
The different between knowing something intellectually and experiencing the same thing emotionally is vast. My wife is due today, and I am already a different person than I was 9 months ago. I don't recognize the person I was 10 years ago. Change, evolution of thought, is something to be excited about. Why fret over the words we use to describe ourselves in polite company, or what other people think of us? Their opinions don't matter - didn't your parents teach you that?
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Everybody chill out!
"I think the lack of status and class for mothers is why the LW is being such a navel gazing bitch about it."
Navel gazing bitch? The responses to this LW are among the worst I have ever seen in Cary's column. She asked what I thought was a reasonable question. She plans to become a mother but is uncomfortable with the way some mothers identify themselves. Where is the harm in her question?
I see no reason why some of you concluded that she shouldn't have kids. There is nothing in her letter to imply that she is ambivalent about motherhood or is somehow not up to the task.
It is probably true that she will become somewhat like the women she is referring to. To what extent, she doesn't know, and that is why she asked the question.
Why some of you chose to condemn her for making an observation or condemn her for wanting kids at all (the earth is too crowded) is simply astounding. There is no justification for the levels of vitriol directed at this LW.
Our responses to these letters often say more about us than they say about any particular LW. I can only conclude that too many of Cary's readers are themselves uncomfortable with their own roles as parents, or their decisions not to be parents. In any case, I think that some of you need to think, wait, count to 10, and take deep breaths before you give what you think is a response that anyone else would want to read.