Letters to the Editor
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Get over yourself
Once you become a parent, for better or worse, that is what defines you. Suddenly, someone else's welfare is more important than almost everything about you. I've never said "I'm a mom", but that is certainly what I am thinking a lot of the time. I have almost no hobbies any more. I prefer to spend whatever free time I have with my husband and child. BTW, I have a responsible position and there really wasn't anyone else to do my job after I gave birth, so I worked part-time from home when my son was 8 weeks old, and went back full-time when he was 13 weeks. The ones who stay home with their kids either fall into identifying themselves that way, or they bitterly list all the things they did or were interested in before becoming a parent.
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You are about to enter The Baby Vortex
And when you come out the other side, you will understand why women (or men who are at-home parents) will identify themselves with "I'm a mom" or "I'm a dad."
The Baby Vortex is what a friend of mine called it when your offspring is at his/her neediest... say... birth to about three (when you can send them off to preschool for a couple hours and they know how to use the toilet). Up until that point... well... every waking minute of your existence gets sucked into a vortex of needy little beings. They need everything... shoes tied, behinds wiped, fed, burped, rocked to sleep, and do it all again. And again. Add the variations of personality of two or more distinct children who always want something different than their brother or sister, and always at the same time. And do it again until you're so tired you can't see.
It is absolutely like nothing you've ever done in your life. Even if you have been around small kids, you don't know it til you've lived it, day in and day out, for several years. The one thing no book, article, or well-meaning know-it-all like me can ever prepare you for is the utter relentlessness of it. It just never lets up.
I'm not saying you can't be a person during this time. But it takes a lot of work sometimes even to get to the bathroom on your own, let alone to an environment where you can finish your sentences or speak in words of more than two syllables. Yes, you can go to bookstores, you can garden, you can go to the opera. But unless you have a nanny or a staff, you have to be extremely selective about what you do, plan ahead, and be prepared to drop it all at a moment's notice when the kid spikes a fever.
Kids are irrational, adorable, irritating, wonderful, annoying, and so dang cute. You will forever have your heart walking around on fat little legs outside your body.
It does take over your life.
Now that mine are in elementary school, I get slivers of my life back. But I've been through the Baby Vortex, and yes, I still identify myself as a mom.
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how many men would answer with 'I'm a Dad'
Seriously, when asked about themselves, how many men with children would list the FIRST and MOST IMPORTANT THING as 'I'm a Dad'.
Most would say something like 'I'm from Arizona these days, but grew up in Maine. I used to be an electrician, but right now I'm staying at home with the kids.' would be a much more likely answer than simply 'Well, *chuckle* I'm a Dad' as thought that one statement answers everything about you anyone could ever want to know.
I'm sure it's great to be a Mom or Dad, and I don't belittle those people who chose to have children at all. I think that having kids IS a life changing experience, and that the person you are on the otherside of baby-making is not the same person you were before. Its a life changing event, for sure. But, although it may alter your life, it need not become your entire life. You need not define your new, child-toting self totally in terms of 'being a Mom' and nothing else.
The LW is quite right to question this insistence among society to classify women with children as being 'first and foremost' a mom. Just look at whats happened to Nicole Kidman now that shes pregnant. Her Oscar nomination, her distinguished career, her upcoming movies and aspirations are all irrelevant in the face of the fact she. is. going. to. be. a. mom.
So be pissed off. I am. Someday when I have kids I'll love them. I'll spend an obscene amount of my time looking after them, cleaning up after them, driving them around and worrying about them. But you know what? I'll also do other stuff with my time. I'll work. I'll read. I'll enjoy walks and bike rides. I'll still be a crazy femmy liberal who reads the salon and responds to the letters column... being a mom won't change that. It will be one of many things I do. The same will be true for the LW.
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also unqualified, but...
I can completely sympathize with the LW.
I love kids. I want my own someday. Many of my best friends have kids, and yeah, during the early years, they pretty much eat up all your time and energy.
No, it's certainly not wrong or creepy to tell people that you are a mother. But the idea of defining yourself to other people SOLELY by the fact that you bore offspring...that isn't telling people much about yourself. Most women ARE mothers at some point in their lives.
You may not have as much time for your own interests once the babies arrive, but that doesn't mean you need to forget about them. Kids do grow up, after all, and you get at least SOME of your free time back later on.
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Hey Rowyna
You sound like me about 20 yrs ago. Guess what? I'm a mom.
xo
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To Froggy
Thank you so much for summing it all up beautifully. I thought that my life and career would continue with only minor variants, until my twins actually arrived. When they were three I began to surface, and now that they are six and in first grade, I kind of have some space for me back. I began getting into my own hobby when they were about 4 1/2, but it was limited. Identifying myself as a mom, (which I don't always do) or as a house-wife, isn't ego boosting, but it is short and consise. Given the interruptions, its what I can manage. If you know me, you know there is more to me. If you don't, I don't have a lot of energy to care.