Letters to the Editor
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Honestly, you probably aren't alone with that thought
I'm a bar-passing lawyer, and your experience really isn't all that unusual. Lots of law students did really well in undergrad writing fun papers with little effort. I have very fond memories of being an undergrad when I would bang out an A paper in a couple of hours on a subject I thought was interesting but I knew nothing about.
Law school, as you found out, is a different world and can be a really harsh reality check for some. You realize that, even if you had a great time and coasted through undergrad with an A average, maybe you really didn't learn any study skills after all. Suddenly you're a 1L, and you're making outlines and not being the academic star you used to be. Your classmates are so impressive. It's a little intimidating. I know a lot of law students who were convinced that they would be on Law Review *no problem*, but then struggled to keep up. You're not a big fish in a small pond anymore. All of your classmates were the same as you -- big fish in their own small ponds.
Then comes the interviews with private firms, etc. Also very intimidating. Classmates and law firm partners with impressive resumes and backgrounds.
At the end of the day, though, you have to remember that the law is a big area. The Law Review students don't always end up being the most successful or the happiest. People with impressive resumes and backgrounds don't always succeed in private practice. Just try to find a place where you're happy, practicing the kind of law that ignites your passion. And know that, in a few years, many of your classmates, the ones you envied, are going to feel disillusioned about the choices they made.
And if you do go the private firm route, you should also know that you'll grow into that culture, too. After a while, you fit in. Or you go somewhere else where you fit in.
(As an aside, the bar exam is all memorization and issue spotting. Just study as hard and as much as you can, and you'll probably do fine. I have classmates with bad grades who passed on the first try, and a few classmates with very good grades who failed. Every year, there are always the handful of the "chosen" who fail the bar exam. Sometimes because they're too cocky.)
Also, your law school should have a placement office. You can also do contract work for a while until your bar results come in.
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Study for the Bar
Do the assignments in your bar review class, take lots of practice tests. At the beginning you will be getting most of the questions wrong, but by the end you should be getting a majority of the questions right. It is an endurance test, to see if can you cram a bunch of rules into your head for 3 months and then spend 2 1/2 days regurgitating them.
Having a law degree and license to practice law will not necessarily make you happy, but it is somewhat marketable. You've made it this far so just finish without worring about the next step of getting a job. Many employers won't give full job offers until you know if you passed anyway. Deal with your anxiety (my brother-in-law found hypnosis to be helpful) and buckle down from now until the test. It sounds like with your verbal skills it is the type of test you should be able to do well on, but bar prep does take fairly single minded focus.
After you're admitted to the bar you can join the rest of us wondering what you want to do with your life.
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I hear ya
Hi LW,
I also was a fuckup in high school. It sounds to me as if I was far worse than you, although I did graduate, after moving to a decent school in senior year. But I graduated with three years of Fs, one year of A+s and a lot of stopgaps to get that degree. I have struggled with many of the same problems as you since. I couldn't get into college because of my record. I had to do unconventional things to fulfill my ambitions. And now I find myself in the professional world, surrounded by people who always did the normal, safe thing, and I'm not sure how I got here, or how I manage to pull off the disguise. Won't I be found out? Won't they realize that, really, I am just a fucked up kid who hates the system? It never really goes away, that feeling (I'm 32). But it can be a badge of honor, a quiet, personal badge, one you can smile to yourself about. I know I have done well despite my unconventional path to success, and that is pretty sweet I have to say. It's not because I followed the proper path mindlessly, it's because I have something unique to offer. I feel as though I bucked the system kind of. And as Cary says, I feel I'm in a position to have empathy for the strange ones, the rebels among us. When I'm upfront about my past with people around me, they say "really? I can't imagine that. You seem so together now." And I laugh. Really? Together? How funny.
So imagine that, years down the road. You will tell someone you're a high school dropout and they'll say "Really? I can't imagine that." And you'll smile to yourself, because you can't imagine having done it any other way.
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There is good stuff in struggle
While reading your letter, a song came in louder than anything going on around me (complete chaos at the moment). Maybe it's because I just read an article about Ms. Marshall or maybe it's just because I don't blame you.
"Last time I saw you, you were on stage
Your hair was wild, your eyes were red
You were in a rage
You were swinging your guitar around.
Cause they wanted to hear that sound
That you didn’t want to play.
I don’t blame you.
I don’t blame you."
-Cat Power
Maybe you do want to be a lawyer or maybe there is something tugging at you to go in a different direction. I read your letter to Cary as this: "I am stressed because I am anxious about all this pressure." A lot of people feel conflicted about major life choices, don't they? Why wouldn't someone be stressed over the bar, finding their way, being "successful"? If you weren't a little freaked out, only then should you be concerned there is something wrong with you.
My initial reaction is that you will be making a substantial difference exactly because you are feeling this way. Because you didn't just glide on into easy street and even when you are there, you realize that the struggle is only beginning. That's where the gold is, in the times of great doubt and insecurity. Most of the people I admire most have suffered similarly.
Henry Rollins said "The only real security in life in insecurity" and I think it applies here. These feelings can be used to your benefit. Throughout history, some of the biggest doubters ended up being the most passionate, amazing, and I dare say, productive people. I bet you'll figure out ways to find out what that means for you. Now, where are those papers about how Jesus and Marx were similar?