Letters to the Editor
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Relax and succeed
Good grades and success do not necessarily correlate in the real world. I am a corporate lawyer with very good grades from a top three law school and I make a fine living serving multi-multi-millionaires in silicon valley who were C students or worse. They are no dummies.
Good grades and intelligence don't always correlate either. School only measures one kind of intelligence, and being a good lawyer requires several. It may take you a while to find a role that maximizes your strengths, but don't give up.
And congratulations, you're smart. It seems like every super smart person I've ever known has had an imposter complex at some time or another.
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There are plenty of fine C+ lawyers
I've been a lawyer for 17 years and I can tell you just from your letter that you'll be fine. You can write and you can tell a story; you're halfway there. Heck, you're intelligible, and that trait alone puts you ahead of at least 1/3 of the lawyers practicing right now. I've read plenty of briefs that sound like they were written by barely literate 9th graders with poor reasoning skills. You're already a better lawyer than them.
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I dunno
Cary's advice is good -- he's having a good week.
You are afraid of things, and there are things to be afraid of. I don't think you are afraid about the right things.
First, law is hard and it is a calling. If you really want to be a lawyer, you can do it. It isn't a good thing to do if you don't know what you want to do but want to earn a nice living. It is just way too competitive for anyone that doesn't have their heart in it.
Even after you pass the bar, you will have your work cut out for you, building a career.
As far as your pedigree, there are pretty much two groups - people who graduate from a first tier law school or are on law review. And everyone else. You aren't in the first group and are potentially just as good as anyone in the second.
By the way, there are going to be plenty of people in both groups that just don't want to do the hard and potentially boring work to make it. The fact you proved yourself once in college based on grit and desire means that you could do it again.
Secondly, I think you need to lose a little of the attitude. You are going to be working in a profession that is hierarchical with lots of rules. One might say it is a legalistic environment. All that stuff you hated about the Church, well, you picked a profession that just may have some of the same characteristics. We could wonder about why that is, or just note it and move on. Anyway, the fact you didn't graduate from high school could be spun as a positive, since you graduated from college. Sort of like skipping the fourth grade. But seriously, you are likely going to have to come to terms with this attitude and get a grip on it. Or get out.
But you have done enough that you owe it to yourself to give it your best shot. If it doesn't work out, do something else. But give it your best effort. And good luck.
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Oh, and another thing
You have negotiation skills--look at how you got into college.
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Focus on what you want, not what you deserve
Hi LW,
You ask how to (a) find the "right mind" to pass the bar, become a lawyer, and be a success, and (b) evaluate your abilities when you find all the right arguments for why you will fail.
The answers to your questions are (a) stop worrying about what you deserve, and instead focus on what you want, and (b) stop evaluating your abilities, and instead decide that following the path of your desire is your only choice - no matter how it ends.
This is your life. Decide what you want and go for it. It doesn't matter if you are of mediocre aptitude or ability. Let's say for the sake of argument that you are. You still deserve to feel good about yourself and realize your dreams. You can certainly still make a living as an attorney. There are successful people of uneven abilities in all fields. It's actually not that big a deal, all you have to do is keep putting effort into each task you face.
The sentence "Now I have to step up to the plate and finally get rubbed against the litmus paper to see if I'm legit" is complete BS. It's a cognitive distortion. That kind of thinking is getting in your way. You'll think it again when you go on the job market, again with your first big case, again when you have a kid. Correct this pattern of thinking before you make every new phase of your life into a tortuously stressful battle.
You survived law school. That's a good thing! You may take several tries to pass the bar. If you really want it, it doesn't matter. Decide what you want and take whatever action you need to, whether that means working with a cognitive-behavioral therapist, life coach, or tutor, reading books on how to study or how to reframe cognitive distortions, or exercising regularly.
C'mon, you don't really think that only A-B students deserve to realize their dreams, do you? Be a little more democratic and realistic in your thinking. You get to have a great family and pursue a rewarding career whether you're super smart or just medium. Get rid of this "Am I the unique individual who is just too crappy to get the life I deserve?" thinking.
Your goals are realistic and attainable. Just keep taking the action you need to progress at each step. If you can't get rid of the unhelpful thought patterns (and the havoc they probably wreak on your behavior) by yourself or with the book Cary recommends, then do it with a professional.
You can do it. Good luck.
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It's not you . . .
It's law school. One question would be, how did you get yourself into a situation almost as dehumanized as a Catholic school? It's a toss-up comparing the legalistic life-curdling dogma of the church against the ritualistic Vatican-style pomposity of the law, but they are both hermetically-sealed institutions with mandarin codes of conduct and sets of rules that are incomprehensible to healthy people and antithetical to the Tao.
My comment is addressed to your crisis of confidence. You are fine. People like you aren't meant to do well in law school. For success there, it is better to be anhedonic and extraordinarily "disciplined" (regimented, undeterred by boredom, docile). Sure, life-affirming, charming people go to law school and do well and do well as lawyers working for all the right things. It does happen. But it is rare to hear even one of those exemplars speak of law school with any fondness. Certainly I've never heard one speak of law school the way you speak of undergraduate school.
I don't have any advice about where you go from here, though. The law is a tough profession for idealists but we need more of them in it, regardless of their GPA or how many times they took the bar exam. But I think you need to keep your ears open for other possibilities as well.