Letters to the Editor
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Focus on what you want, not what you deserve
Hi LW,
You ask how to (a) find the "right mind" to pass the bar, become a lawyer, and be a success, and (b) evaluate your abilities when you find all the right arguments for why you will fail.
The answers to your questions are (a) stop worrying about what you deserve, and instead focus on what you want, and (b) stop evaluating your abilities, and instead decide that following the path of your desire is your only choice - no matter how it ends.
This is your life. Decide what you want and go for it. It doesn't matter if you are of mediocre aptitude or ability. Let's say for the sake of argument that you are. You still deserve to feel good about yourself and realize your dreams. You can certainly still make a living as an attorney. There are successful people of uneven abilities in all fields. It's actually not that big a deal, all you have to do is keep putting effort into each task you face.
The sentence "Now I have to step up to the plate and finally get rubbed against the litmus paper to see if I'm legit" is complete BS. It's a cognitive distortion. That kind of thinking is getting in your way. You'll think it again when you go on the job market, again with your first big case, again when you have a kid. Correct this pattern of thinking before you make every new phase of your life into a tortuously stressful battle.
You survived law school. That's a good thing! You may take several tries to pass the bar. If you really want it, it doesn't matter. Decide what you want and take whatever action you need to, whether that means working with a cognitive-behavioral therapist, life coach, or tutor, reading books on how to study or how to reframe cognitive distortions, or exercising regularly.
C'mon, you don't really think that only A-B students deserve to realize their dreams, do you? Be a little more democratic and realistic in your thinking. You get to have a great family and pursue a rewarding career whether you're super smart or just medium. Get rid of this "Am I the unique individual who is just too crappy to get the life I deserve?" thinking.
Your goals are realistic and attainable. Just keep taking the action you need to progress at each step. If you can't get rid of the unhelpful thought patterns (and the havoc they probably wreak on your behavior) by yourself or with the book Cary recommends, then do it with a professional.
You can do it. Good luck.