Letters to the Editor
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Open relationships are cool but cheating isn't
Cary nailed it beautifully this time. And as for the LW and her fiancee, it's not about sex, it's open sincerity, honesty, and communication.
If the LW wants an open relationship, that's cool -- but it's also for her fiancee to discuss, as he's part of the relationship. So they have to talk.
If she doesn't think she can be faithful, she's gonna find out one way or the other as to whether she *can* be faithful, and if she can't be faithful and she doesn't say anything, that's a good recipe for disaster. So they have to talk.
But my biggest concern is that the LW seems to have a lot of experiences in her life (sexually) that seem to sort of "just happen," that she did not plan for and doesn't know how to avoid. That always scares me, not the sex thing, but people to whom things "just happen" as if they have no control over their own choices.
If polyamory is an option, then it must be a conscious choice. And the LW does not have a long track record of making conscious choices. Therefore, the most important thing is not the sex part, but the conscious choice part. Once she gets the conscious choice part figured out, it'll help her decide what kind of sex life she wants. And that can't help but make her more informed about the major life choice of marriage.
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Don't create forbidden fruit
I had the same type of concerns when I got married, and wisely allowed myself to keep an open mind about whether I would "lapse" given the ideal circumstances. I intended not to stray, but I never said never. In making that deal with myself, I have been much less tempted, and have not strayed. Yes, I have a rich sexual fantasy life, and there are times when I wish for the experience of someone different. But in reality, when the opportunities have been there, I have not strayed, while still maintaining a sense of freewill.
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here we go again...
Is anyone else getting sick of these self-indulgent letters where the answer is clearly obvious to anyone with a semi-logical brain?
You know the rules of marriage. If you don't, you should at least know the rules of your OWN future marriage -- check with your fiancee about it. If you can't follow them, how about not getting married?
Don't betray people you supposedly love. Why is it so hard for some people to get that?
At the very least, can't you follow the golden rule? You probably would not be amused if your fiancee wrote a similar letter. Or maybe you would be OK with it. In which case, discuss it with him.
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Brightstar's right
Who taught the LW to be so selish and destructive? Does she even love the guy? The letter is all "MEEEEEEEE".
If you are questioning whether you can be faithful, you don't love the person enough to be married. Don't destroy this person that way. If the LW loved her fiance', she would never contemplate doing something so destructive of his soul.
It takes a special type of entitled, selfish bitch to sleep with her FRIEND's boyfriend. That shows a contempt for her friends and a egotism (not low self-esteem- super high entitlement) that is unusual. She needs to learn some humility. She won't always be beautiful. What happens when the wrinkles come? Friends and love are a hell of a lot more important than lays.
Nor is monogomay that hard. Some people need to come off that bullshit. Sounds like Cheaters Anonymous in here. Some geographic areas encourage cheating by this type of rationalization. I live with a group of friends and co-workers who value fidelity and live it every day.
Some people mistake the jolt that comes from the forbidden for the meat of relationships. They like getting away with stuff. They, like the LW, leave a path of destruction behind them. They don't think of anyone but themselves. Until one learns to appreciate how rare love is, one should not get married.
Set him free.
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Poly Resources
Polyamory isn't for everyone. Those who practice it will be the first to tell you it's not easy and not a way to fix a faltering monogamous relationship.
LW, you may want to look at:
The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, which some consider the basic work on practical non-monogamy.
Cunning Minx's podcast (Polyamory Weekly) and website polyweekly.com are both very good sources for the curious.
Poly relationships require constant communications and being brutally honest with yourself (as opposed to being brutally honest against your partner).
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You have a lot of thinking to do
I was in exactly your situation, LW - history of infidelity built on weak justifications, attraction to women, etc.
I was honest with him. He knew about my previous infidelity. I said I was attracted to women - so he said that I could test out that attraction. I did, and I realized that I loved him, and wasn't interested in dating women, or other people.
I told him this, but also said that I wasn't certain about things.
We got engaged.
I kissed someone else while we were engaged.
We called it off.
Now, this isn't that he dumped me - we both realized that neither one of us were ready for that commitment, and we both needed more time to think and experience other relationships.
Now? I wish that I would have realized 5 years ago that, as you say, trading a lovely man for one or two nights of something hot and momentary is NOT WORTH IT. You sound like you are in love, really in love. So I'm not going to say that it's simple, that you simply shouldn't cheat - because not cheating is not simple. But you should try as hard as you can to realize that cheating won't do you any good.
If it helps, keep yourself out of situations where you might cheat. I only had a wandering eye when I had been drinking a lot - which I didn't do often. Solution: don't drink a lot. Or, have someone watch me and keep me from doing dumb things.
Your fiancé could be this person. I agree with what Seirei said - that s/he doesn't think that Carey's statement - "I can't promise fidelity" is a good one. It doesn't sound like you are talking about infidelity as something deeply rooted in your self-identity - just that you're looking at a trend of past events that make you fear for the future. As such, be honest about the past events, but tell your fiancé that you intend to change, and you'd like his help. Tell him that you will be honest with him if you have thoughts of infidelity so you can together work to prevent the action itself. Tell him that he should tell you if he suspects anything.
Basically the idea is to keep from having anything - fears, lies, jealousy, uncertainty, resentment - sit inside of you and fester, killing your relationship. Get it out in the open so it can get fixed, or so you can work on fixing it.
You love him and he loves you. You are worth each other. Be kind and open and honest with him, and he will do the same with you. That's how relationships work - whether or not infidelity is an issue.