Letters to the Editor
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Knowing your age would help a lot
It sounds like you're around 25 or so from the tone of your letter and this belief that you're too old to try a more experimental lifestyle. I may be wrong but its just the impression I get. It also sounds like you've been in a series of relationships without ever just being single and enjoying dating many men (or women, in your case) in a more casual fashion. Maybe thats the problem, that you haven't gotten to know yourself outside of the confines of relationships.
You also leave out the length of time that you've known this man. Maybe he's just rushing the engagement and you needed more time to be comfortable with the idea of committing your life to someone. So many questions here for me to make a clear cut diagnose. But if you are in your mid-20s, I would suggest postponing the marriage. It might be that you just feel too young to be making such a serious decision.
If your sex life with this man is really as good as you say and you've been with him long enough for the initial passion to fade a little, I'd give that some thought as well. Mainly because I think its hard to find someone you're really sexually compatible with. Thats always been the hardest thing for me to maintain in a relationship. I've only had great sex with a handful of men and a lot of ho hum sex with the majority of the rest. So if he's been better than the rest of the men in your life then I wouldn't pass up this one up for that reason alone.
Regardless of what a lot of people might say, sexual satisfaction is really important in a relationship. Because when the inevitable problems arise from living together for a long time, if you don't have this to fall back on then there's not much left. And if you settle for someone who's great in other ways, but just not sexually, it always seems to cause problems in other ways because of that nagging feeling that you know you're giving up on an area that really is important. So think long and hard about that. A great sexual partner is a true gem in life. If the sex is great and everything else is great then don't give him up too quickly.
It sounds like maybe you just are too young and are feeling pressure to marry too soon. Not sure how you manage that one if the arrangements are already in place. It would also help to know if you're already living with him. Maybe thats the other problem as well, not having your own place and the feeling of independence that brings before sharing all the decisions and bills.
Too many unknowns to figure out if you really are polyamorous as some say or are just too young, without enough sexual experiences, to be making a lifetime commitment.
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Think first
Well, why don't you imagine the life you will have without him and decide if that is the right life for you? If you decide you can not live without him in your life, then buckle up and change your ways. Sometimes a burden is best left to bear alone. If you decide that you can or may live your life without him, then tell him the truth and see how you can or can not work things out. Take a long and serious considerations before you make your decision. Do not burden your partner with this until you have made a serious decision first.
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Why Get Married?
I don't get it. Why are you engaged? Why are you getting married? As others have said, you don't say how old you are. This would help. Without that, I'm going to assume you are young and, so, I don't see the rush for marriage. My advice: if you can get therapy for yourself, do so. If you cannot, because then you would have to explain why you're going. to your SO, or some other reason, then go for the pre-marital counseling together but not to a religious person. This deserves discussion specifically because you are probably going to have children and it is unfair to them to start out on such shaky ground. It is one thing to get divorced after having kids and the marriage breaks down, but quite another to have kids on such a shaky foundation.
I had a friend in high school who turned into a beaufiful butterfly. She was dating a very very nice popular guy at the time. We graduated, they went to college, they got married. She stayed beautiful, he got bald and a little pudgy but still a great guy, and they had two kids. I saw her a few times over the years and that's how I know she stayed beautiful. Now, 25 years later, they are divorcing. I do not think she cheated and I *do* think she had many many chances. I suspect she never got over that feeling of wanting to date lots of people becasue she was suddenly so beautiful.
Is this what you want? Pining away for 25 years? I don't think you have the backbone to *not* cheat based on what you say.
Please read all these letters and Cary's awesome response and consider carefully. Your SO deserves better, please don't hurt him.
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basic instincts
wild_wife says "How can one turn off one of their most basic desires just because one exchanges rings and vows with another person?" It is possible, and good. The operative word there is "vow."
excellent response. toilet training also comes to mind -- we have instincts, we learn to channel them appropriately.
Did LW say whether she has cheated on her fiance yet? If not, maybe she's just worried over nothing. Also, i think a lot of straight women fantasize about other women during sex, but it doesn't mean they want to pursue it in real life.
More troubling is LW seducing partners of friends -- her problem may not be lust as much as some type of low self-esteem or feeling insecure. There's plenty of guys she could have gained 'experience' with w/o hurting her friends.