Letters to the Editor
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I'll add to this mystery of falling outside of the bell curve...
I'm so glad somebody pointed this out...
"Hilarious vanity
Browsing, I found this very funny and wanted to share it again:
"I've noticed that a great many -- almost all -- of Cary's letter writers describe themselves as really, really good looking. It's statistically amazing that Mr. Tennis can draw from such an attractive population of readers! (Given that, honestly, in the real world I inhabit, most people are just average looking at best.)"-Laurel962
I agree, the ego has landed!
-- edziu's muse"
To add to that, what's up with the persistent everythings-going-great-including-my-sex-life statements? When was the last time somebody complained about having a lousy sex life in this column?
Not only are Cary's letter submissions exceedingly attractive, they apparently have tantric-like sex on a fairly regular basis. Of course, there's always the proverbial "but" in these columns...I guess being married to the perfect spouse and having the perfect sex-life isn't what's all cracked up to be, huh?
I used to post here a lot, but I've discovered something about myself and advice columns. Some folks just have too much time to reflect on their own lives...that's a luxury Cary can afford since that's his job, but it ain't mine I'm afraid. I think it would be great if Cary could tell people more often to fix their problems by digging weeds out of their yard or something useful...in fact, some of his best advice basically points the reader in that direction.
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Wawawa! Woe is me, I can't have my cake and eat it too!
Grow up!
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Honey, you already have
Cheated, that is. Sharing your intimate thoughts with strangers but concealing them from your fiance - that's cheating. Agreeing to marry someone (which is what engagement is - a promise to marry) but harboring secret doubts - that's cheating. You are cheating: the emotional equivalent of hiding a card in your sleeve. The rules of a relationship are founded on honesty, and you aren't being honest. Cheating is unfair. You are being unfair.
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Take a break
I knew a girl like the LW in law school. There was a good guy who loved her - she took a break from him, dated and screwed several men and women, got it out of her system, and then got back together with the good guy. Today they are happily married with kids. Maybe they will be together forever, maybe not. At least they have a chance. My advice is take a break from your relationship - you don't need to get into why. Explore yourself, have fun, get therapy, and after you are done with that you can think about getting married. Maybe the guy you are with will still be available, maybe not. Either way, you'll both be better off if you get this out of your system before you commit.
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1.) Let him go 2.) Go enjoy gettin' it on with everyone else
1.) If this guy is as amazing as you say he is, then clearly you do not deserve him or his love.
You clearly do not know how lucky you are - and therefore you will never value and respect him as much as HE deserves. And yes - it seems inevitable you will cheat on him at some point.
Let him go, so that he can find happiness with a deserving woman.
Don't take this personally, please; it's just that there are so many single women out there - just as smart, sexy, confident etc. as you are (if not more so) - who are willing/ready/able to be faithful to a wonderful, decent guy...
...And since it is apparent that you will only hurt him if you marry him - (probably turning him as bitter and misogynistic as some of those Broadsheet trolls), DO THE RIGHT THING and end your engagement.
2.) Afterwards, go have fun and sow your wild oats. Maybe you'll find out that you are polyamorous or promiscuous; maybe you'll find out that your inability to be faithful is not about sex/sexuality, but about emotional fear...or sadism in yourself.
And maybe, just maybe, if/when you've sown enough oats, you'll feel an urge to be in a lasting relationship with someone...
...Or perhaps you will reach an age/appearance where nobody deems you as attractive as you once were - and as the opportunities for fucking dissipate, you'll have no choice but to settle anyway for whatever man or woman still wants you.
******
Whatever YOUR outcome will be, Mr. Nice Guy will find happiness with someone else. So get yourself some good karma already - & let him go.
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Open relationships can and do work, actually
Just thought you should know that there are options between deceptive, brutalizing affairs and total manogamy.
7 years into our relationship my partner and I decided that a) we definitely wanted to be with each other for the rest of our lives and that b) we wanted to sleep with more than one person for the rest of our lives. What to do?
Opening up our relationship has been a slow, iterative process: trying new things, deciding what works, what doesn't. Working together to find a balance actually built a lot of trust between us. We've both been pleasantly surprised at the thoughtfulness and generosity of the other. (Oh, and it's a hell of a lot of fun, too!)
The real key is total honesty and a willingness to put the other person's needs (whether to pull back, change their mind, try something once and never again) ahead of your own, articulate your own needs, and to be patient and willing to sit with your discomfort a bit. And clear rules
Maybe in 3 months or 3 years we'll decide this little experiment is over. Maybe not. Who knows?
I highly suggest you go read some of Dan Savage's columns; his advice is great and he recommends more robust resources.
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I agree with Cary 100%
The difference between struggling with this yourself and sharing it with him is just that - sharing. Right now it's something that separates you. If you discuss it with him, it's still an obstacle, but one in which you are on the same.
But Cary's right - there is DEFINITE risk involved. Seems to me, though, that the risk is less than not talking to him about.
Hopefully whatever you decide will include counseling to help figure out why you do it. My guess is it's related to maybe missing something about that weird girl, underneath it all.