Letters to the Editor
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She should just say, "I'm not ready for marriage yet"....
and get counseling, with and without him. If she dumps all that baggage on him, he's gonna probably freak, and any chance of reconciliation will be gone.
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my eyes just rolled out of my head
I'm stunned, but Cary's answer is dead on. Stop with the navel-gazing and let your partner know that you're incapable of fidelity. There's a good chance he'll say, "whew. So am I. Let's drop the pretense and have an open relationship." Then the two of you can live happily ever after.
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Good advice
I wish I'd recieved it before I got married 7 years ago. Since then,t here's been a lot of heartache and plenty of guilt to go around. I wish I had been honest at the outset. Being honest now is much more painful.
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A Simpler View
I suspect that the majority of people have a fear that they are giving up something important by getting married and wonder what that other life might be. I don't see that this person is so unique. Is anyone ever 100% sure of anything?
I think Cary's honesty advice has merit but I think it is easier to frame it as a simpler conversation of fear of what she is passing up rather than a dissertation on all of her past foibles and potential alternatives. I bet the guy has similar feelings.
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And she got engaged _why_?
Yeesh. Cary is right--LW really needs to sit down and figure out what the heck she wants out of life. (And, frankly, that sure doesn't sound like marriage.) Too many people get hitched without knowing who they are, and if you don't have any sense of that, how can you truly know your putative spouse--or whether marriage will work for you? LW is still working through her "duck-turned-swan" issues, and until she deals with those, she needs to at least tell her fiancee the truth.
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Pretty simple: You're too young.
LW can rattle off all the traits that make this guy and the relationship so wonderful, but she sounds just plain too young to get married. I say she needs to give herself another 10 years or more to wear herself out enough to settle down into a cozy couple. Or by then, she may figure out she's not really the marrying kind.
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Good answer Cary!
Human sexuality and desire are so incredibly complex. How can one turn off one of their most basic desires just because one exchanges rings and vows with another person? Obviously, monogamy is not inherent to human nature, nor is it to the vast majority of any other species.
Cary is right on the money. Be honest from the get go. Your fiances reaction might just surprise you. The bisexuality might totally turn him on, but just beware that he may use it to control you. He may not be threatened by another p*ssy in the room, but anothr c*ck may push him over the edge.
As someone who has been through a lot of deception and hurt through a long marriage I truly believe honesty is the only path to a happy and fulfilling partnership.
Good luck to you, my heart goes out to you. Just please remember, that your desires will not be quelled just because you exchange rings. Isn't the point of getting married or committing to someone a desire to be open and honest with each other?
If your guy surprises you and is GGG, you need to be prepared to accept his desires as well.
Sorry if I'm repeating myself, but I do think monogamy is a social institution, constructed by *supposed* moral authoritarians who can't even trust themselves to keep their dicks in their own pants. I.e. the catholic church and pretty much all republicans.
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Forget about it.
The LW is very much a work in progress on a number of very fundamental issues.
One of those issues is, in my opinion as a geezer, basic sexual morality. You know, sexual morality, that concept that we liberals sometimes dismiss with a wave of the hand.
LW confesses to having interfered in at least three other relationships, one even involving the boyfriend of a "friend." (With friends like that....) Who of all of us married folk have not been attracted to someone else outside of the marital bond?
For men (maybe for women too, but I can't speak for them), that's a given. When a man isn't having sex, he wants sex. When he's having sex he wants variety. The faithful husband does not go in for variety because he knows it is morally wrong and because he loves his wife and doesn't want to hurt her.
In other words, it is possible to overcomes one's animal impulses and be a faithful spouse. I don't think the LW realizes that. Perhaps she never will. The early indications don't look good, and she should wish her fiance a bon voyage and break off the engagement. It will be a favor to him in the long run.
wild_wife says "How can one turn off one of their most basic desires just because one exchanges rings and vows with another person?" It is possible, and good. The operative word there is "vow."
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How Old Are You?
If you wonder about all this stuff when you are 17 or 19, then you are normal, and you should wait to get married. If you wonder when you are 30, you have about one year to make up your mind, so do everything immediately, and make up your mind.
Thirty is the right age to get married.
BUT! Do not burden this guy who adores you with all your own silliness. I strongly disagree with Carey about laying all your poorly-thought-out fantasies on this poor guy. He will not understand. Rather, he will go off on his own mental tangents.
Make up your mind about what you want. Do not disrespect the idea of utter marital fidelity, but do not plunge in if you want liberty instead. The best thing you can have for the rest of your life is a loving life partner, IF you are thirty years old.
If you are nineteen, a loving life partner might be the worst thing you can have.
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Honey, I'm home!
Dear Cary,
First I want to address you directly. I cheated on you while you were gone. Yes, it's true. I went to News & Politics, Comics, Books, A & E, Tech & Business AND Sports. Geesh, there are a bunch of ruffians over in Sports but there are people slashing and burning while wielding illegal weapons in Opinion! I didn't really have fun and I am relieved you are back. I promise I won't cheat again and because it was a hard lesson to learn: The grass is not always greener.
So, LW, the above is a response to you as well. Good luck and when in doubt, be loving and be kind. It's a mad world!