Letters to the Editor
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Busy Mom
Good answer Cary.
I'll just add that even though the LW made a point of providing a lot of reasons (excuses?) for not dating, none are needed. If you don't want to date, you don't have to. End of story.
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Live your life
I've been divorced for 15 years and have had two longish (2 and 4 year-long) relationships during that time, some shorter ones, and one 4-year period a few years ago when I, too, was just too busy with my own life and my child to bother. Don't listen to the crap about getting too old to find someone - one of my best relationships ever began when I was 50. People will try to tell you that you're broken and need fixing if you don't particularly want a relationship, but at certain times and in certain situations, it works better that way, and it's no one else's business.
My best friend's parents have been married for over 60 years, and for the last 10 her mom has been caring for her extremely cranky, ill husband, a demanding and thankless man, when she should be relaxing and enjoying her golden years. I'll take being old, alone, and happy over that any day.
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People should be prohibited from being married before 30 and after 50
Younger than 30 you're a starstruck idiot and over 50 your partner's emotional baggage better have wheels on it. And sex is way overrated - as someone who's nearly 50 and been celibate for 20 years & will most likely never have sex again, ever, it's no big thing. Some people are color blind some people can't eat chili so people don't care about sex.
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@ paul Kentucky
I second that! What's more attractive than a person who is unapologetic about being herself and at ease in this difficult life? She may find those "dates" and even a partner just by keeping on this track.
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No big deal
She hasn't found anyone she's interested in yet. No big deal. My advice is for her to live her life and be happy. When she least expects it, she will find someone who makes her happy and that she has a lot in common with.
If you are just doing what makes you happy and find someone in the process doing the same thing, you already have a starting point for a relationship.
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Don't be stupid
Yes, until the youngest is a teen, it's probably better to live as you are. But pairing up is an economic necessity these days, unless you have a (non-stock-market-dependant) trust fund. I was happily single for years but I must say the economic benefits of partnership make life a lot easier. There is a reason humans have lived in pairs for millenia, especially in tough environments.
Bush's U.S.A. is a tough environment!
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Laurel962
You write convincingly while ignoring the LW's own needs and subtly ridiculing her (the bit about Hitchcock movies and brownies). The part about the pool of men getting smaller as she gets older? There's always younger men, dear. Ask around.
In the last twenty years or so, I have known so many married couples who live only for their children. All activities are kid-related, the houses strewn with toys look like only kids live there, even the sexual energy seems to be invested in the children. Many married couples do not have sex, did you know? Marriage does not solve the living-for-and-through-your-children problem, not at all.
LW, make no more excuses. Take as much time as you need to recover. Change will come when you're ready, and your children will be fine.
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not always
An anonymous posted : "And sex is way overrated"
I respectfully disagree.
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Just Tell Mom Thanks for Your Concern
And then watch her advice fly out the OTHER ear. A hug helps, too, to let her know that you DO appreciate the concern, but as a grown woman, you make your own decisions. At least, that's what worked with MY mom when I was a single mom of a 10, 8, 5, and 3 year old.
When/if you are ready for a relationship again, YOU will know it. Not your mom. Not your kids. It took me just 10 months after filing for divorce to be ready--but being the "I chose this, so I have to see it out" person that I am, my first marriage was dead and rotting before I finally said "enough."
I had friends at that time who started dating before the ink was dry on the papers at their attorneys offices, others who didn't want the hassle of dating after really awful marriages. The fact that your ex was lazy and abusive probably has a lot to do with your choices--it's so PEACEFUL not to have the big, mean baby around, isn't it?
But, as others have said, saying that you are not actively pursuing a relationship is not the same as closing yourself off to one. With your busy life, you will meet and learn to like lots of people. Some of them will be men. And one or two will be good candidates for a relationship. Just stay open to the possibility.
Know that there are any number of people out here, rooting for you.
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I don't understand what the problem is
LW,
You seem pretty content with your life sans dating. So don't date. What's the problem? Because other people offer unsolicited advice saying that you should? You don't strike as a person so weak willed that you'd live your life according to other people's opinions.
Here are some pertinent words from a man much wiser than myself:
Stop thinking, and end your problems.
What difference between yes and no?
What difference between success and failure?
Must you value what others value,
avoid what others avoid?
How ridiculous! Other people are excited,
as though they were at a parade.
I alone don't care,
I alone am expressionless,
like an infant before it can smile. Other people have what they need;
I alone possess nothing.
I alone drift about,
like someone without a home.
I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty. Other people are bright;
I alone am dark.
Other people are sharper;
I alone am dull.
Other people have a purpose;
I alone don't know.
I drift like a wave on the ocean,
I blow as aimless as the wind. I am different from ordinary people.
-Lao Tzu
Tao te Ching
(as translated by Stephen Mitchell)