Letters to the Editor
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You're doing fine
Your mother needs to butt out. Considering your children's ages, this is the best time for you to be focusing on them instead of dating to merely fulfill society's expectations of what you "should" be doing. You sound like a great mom and you really love your kids. There is nothing wrong for you to have this special time with them without the added drama of a new man in the mix. They will be grown and out of the house before you know it, well, maybe with the exception of the youngest due to health issues. But regardless, if you don't feel like dating, don't do it.
I've seen far to many people put their dating lives before their children's lives and have it adversely affect the children. I'm not saying divorced with kids people shouldn't ever date, but when kids are being introduced to random people way too soon, plus random's kids, its not fair to the kids. They didn't ask for this and they do deserve an attentive parent.
There's also the issue of abuse. Far too many children suffer abuse and/or death from a parent's love interest. In my town we have more domestic murders and children being killed by the boyfriend watching them then from random crime. I've seen women move in with men they've barely known which places their children at risk. Of course there are great step-parents out there, but so many people don't take the time to get to know their new love interest before they're making life-altering decisions.
Just because some people in this world can't fathom living without a regular sex partner doesn't mean it doesn't happen regularly out there. If you're happy with your life then just let things be until you meet someone that really interests you (and one you don't have to search for artificially). And do realize that not all men are like your ex. You probably still need some time to get all that out of your system.
Unless your kids start hinting about the nice, single teacher at school who you should meet, they are probably enjoying this peaceful life without the abusive father around everyday.
You sound like a wonderful mother with a balanced and fulfilling life so just keep doing what pleases you and tell your mother to STFUA! Or maybe just ask her why she feels its more important for you to be focusing all your attention on finding a new mate instead of caring for your children. That should shut her up.
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The New Retirement
I think Mom is just naturally concerned that her daughter make an investment, so to speak, in finding a man for the inevitable time that her kids don't want to hang out with her. So I don't see Mom as annoying, particularly. There's a generation of older women who really can't imagine life being any good without a male partner.
But the fact is that LW has plenty of company among younger women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, even ones otherwise occupried with only a fraction of all the things LW is busy with.
In fact, I'd call it "the new retirement" -- women who are pretty much done with the job that is relationships and have retired from it. I see it among divorced friends and never-married, women who just don't see the return on all that investment and are opting out.
Someone needs to write a book about this phenomenon and yak to Oprah about it.
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Maybe one day
Now may not be the time in LW's life for dating. But what is her long-term vision for her life? After the kids move out, does she want to stay single or have a life partner?
I'm biased. I have a satisfying relationship with a life partner. So I don't want LW to rule it out. She says she doesn't want to bring in "some guy who seems fine and then loses it (like their dad did)." Of course not! That sounds awful. And dating sucks. But maybe some day in the future her life will have a place in it for a relationship with a great, giving, and compatible partner.
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Your new date night
You sound pretty settled into a life that isn't lacking in anything but time and "dating" is time consuming. You do sound quite amazing and I admire you for your perseverance. You have more than enough for one person to handle and I hope you have adequate support.
One suggestion: Make dates a few times monthly with yourself. You mentioned that you do make time to work out and care for yourself. Add in some room for pure entertainment, whatever floats your boat. Tell Mom (your new sitter) that you are going out on a date, which really would not be a lie after all.
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Be careful not to get too invested in the kids
I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to date. And God knows being a single mom takes a huge amount of work and energy and there's probably nothing to spare for a man. But one day your kids will grow up and they will leave. And if you don't have a life plan for yourself outside of your kids, you may end up clinging or subtly sabotaging their efforts to leave the nest. My sister is 30 and still living with my mom because my mom is single and can't bear to live alone. It's not a healthy relationship--every time my sister gets a boyfriend my mom finds a way to sabotage it. I'm afraid that my sis will end up living with my mom until she dies and then be stuck with no relationship and no real personal life.
Just keep in mind that there's going to be a time when your kids don't need you. Plan for it, in fact. Make sure you have a full life of your own, regardless of whether or not you have a partner.
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this is all nice and everything, but since most women apparently don't WANT to date or have sex
working so hard to deny men the right to buy it from a willing seller just seems like gratutitous bitchiness.
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Done
I'm a 41 year old divorced woman, and I haven't been on a date or had sex in 3 years. It would be nice to meet a man who's not a liar or a creep, but from what I've seen, the odds are against me. I'd rather be alone.