Letters to the Editor
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Support for the LW
Our dad died when the four of us kids were young (8,12,14,16). Our mom worked and took care of us. After the youngest graduated from high school, she started dating and eventually remarried. As a middle aged adult now with similar aged kids, I've talked to my mom a lot about why she waited so long to start dating again. Like the letter writer, she was busy with us and work. More importantly, she just didn't think she could bring someone into the family unit without causing more harm than good. And, she was absolutely right. All four of us kids deeply appreciate that our mom made this decision.
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Your life sounds wonderfully balanced
I think you are making the right choice. My ex and his new wife decided they were going to be born-again virgins (they really didn't want to have to deal with step-anything so they wished it away) and completely ducked out of my kiddo's life when he was seven. I was putting myself through school, and he was showing signs of what would become ADHD, bipolar disorder and Asperger's syndrome. I didn't date for seven years. Never even thought about it. And I have to admit my life didn't come close to what yours sounds like in the satisfaction department. I'm impressed.
Now my kiddo's graduated from high school, newly ensconced in an independent living situation, and I have started to date again. Waaay different than in the dinosaur era, but that's another story.
Just take care of yourself physically and mentally/emotionally (I did see some of my peers turn into bitter, bitter women), and one day, you'll feel like going on a date. Keep the patience and sense of humor you developed on the days all of your kids were sick, it was raining, payday was far away, and you got a letter from the principal saying it was time for your child to "seek educational opportunities elsewhere" (oh wait, that was my life!) – you'll need it for online dating. But you can sit in your pajamas and hit the delete button to your heart's content. When you want to.
Why don't you post your mother's profile on a dating site, hmmm?
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@ gezelligtexas
Sorry, wasn't meaning to gender-bait. I find it amazing that there is so little concern for women's sexual satisfaction and so much blame attached to them for it. If a woman enjoys sex until marriage then it trails off, the famous pattern, it's not physiological. I looked at the article. The article agrees that in their study sampel of twins, that the problem is indeed partly physiological - but only 34%. So the majority is to do with the experience, huh? The article also agrees that "Though hundreds of genes could be involved, “that doesn’t mean we couldn’t find the genes and pathways, if this was taken more seriously as a problem”, he says." That is, it's not a priority although if 1/3 of men had the same problem it would be a national crisis. Look at the research into viagara to address a problem which is not affecting 1/3 of men.
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That is, it's not a priority although if 1/3 of men had the same problem it would be a national crisis. Look at the research into viagara to address a problem which is not affecting 1/3 of men.
The difference is that men who can't get it up don't gloat about it and blame women.
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Good For You
If you don't want to date, don't. I've been there and done that and in my case, I knew I wasn't settling and more importantly, not exposing my daughter to someone who was a short term thing. And frankly, I've seen divorced people date, fall in love, marry and then repeat the same patterns of behavior that caused them to divorce the first time. When you bring kids into the relationship, the stakes become much higher so it's never wrong to err on the side of caution.
I think a part of you feels like you are weird for not wanting to date so your mothers nagging is making you feel guilty. I think your mothers concern is that she doesn't want to see you alone (ie, lonely) so is pushing you to date. People always want others to pair up as if being in a relationship is in any way a barrier against loneliness. Hell, the times I was most lonely was when I was in a relationship!
So what if others think you're strange for not dating. After seeing divorced friends and their messy dating lives, I think many people would be better served to take the time and emotional/physical energy they spend on the opposite sex and spend it on their kids &/or careers.
You just continue doing what you need to do. And when the kids get older, consider stepping your toe back into the dating pool. But if you don't want to then, more power to you.
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exactly right tangoecho, why should anyone have sex unless they want more kids
all that sex without babies does is promote selfishness, hedonism and the objectification and commodification of women.
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Weird of you guys
Jebus, if you don't wanna date you wanna date. It works both ways for men and women. Pretty simple stuff. Must be pretty serious for some of you if you have to take pills to squelch the urges. Why make so many rationalizations and excuses.
Those of you who are bitter bad treatment from bad men, understand that men have the exact some problems with women too, even if you don't relate to that and honestly don't care. The problems are the same from both sides.
For your sexual urges there are services out there for both men and women. You go in, leave happy, and have your needs met without the commitment, and move on with your life. No messy relationship stuff, your life will be better for it and you'll be less bitter to boot.
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What exactly is your problem anonymous with an axe to grind?
Human beings do not wither and die if they do not have sex. Sex is not the most important thing in the world, there is a good chance that there will come a time in your life when your body does not want to perform sexually. People can be happy not having sex, we were perfectly fine not having sex for those years after puberty started. There are plenty of people all over the world that go for years without having sex. Some are because no one will sleep with them, some have no interest in finding someone to have sex with. People have different sex drives.
What's wrong with masturbation filling that void for a while?
What exactly is your problem with people who don't spend their free time in pursuit of sex?
Sure there are men and women who spend a lot of time finding people to have sex with, that's fine, but everyone is not the same and I simply have no idea why you repeatedly seem to be harping that because this woman took herself off the dating/sex market that somehow that is wrong or something to get upset about so you scold people who tell the LW that it's okay not to date.
So what exactly is your problem?