Letters to the Editor
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Consider the Children
One important consideration here is the children. I've known several moms (including my sisters) who dated and later married while their children were at home. The marriages were difficult and the children suffered tremendously -- dropped out of school, used alcohol and drugs, committed crimes, went to jail, etc. I've known several other moms who chose to forgo dating (or at least serious dating) and their kids did well and grew into happy, responsible adults. I'm not saying that the results are always this bad or this good, but I think there is a serious risk when moms get involved in serious relationships. It seems sad and unfair for women who would like to have a serious relationship with a man, but this is what I've observed in relationships of several women close to me.
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I hate this word "dating"
Isn't that some concept from the 50's or something? "I'm dating" sounds to me like "Open for business" or "Currently accepting new patients."
Can't you just be alive, go places, talk to people, interact, meet people over the course of your normal life? What's all this weird forced protocol where you have to officially be "dating," go out for coffee or lunch or dinner or whatever, go through all the motions?
It's so not-serendipitous. Inelegant. Needy?? Un-mysterious. Yuk!
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I agree with Magli 100 percent
I love Magli's post. He/She said it all.
To the LW--right on sister! All the more power to you. The point is--YOU ARE HAPPY! That's all that matters. And that is a great gift to give to your children--being happy.
So many people, especially married ones, think that single folk can never be happy due to their single status. Bullocks I say! I know too many married folks miserable. I know some happy. I know many singles happy. And a few miserable.
Happiness isn't defined by our martial (or lack thereof) status. It's defined by us and our perceptions of ourselves. Sometimes we let other people's perceptions (such as your mom's) distort our own.
I, too, have been single for many years and was quite content. Although now I am in a relationship that is, for the most part, a good one, I find myself much happier with him when we have a lot of separate time. There are many independant people out there, just like me, that do best in ventilated relationships.
If I ever find myself single again, I know I can find happiness alone. I did before.
As to the kids--I have a friend who refuses to be alone. She is constantly going from one guy to the next. She has four boys, the oldest at 16 who is, coincidentally, acting out right now. Maybe it's because he sees his mom constantly dating (and discarding) men. Not a good example, in my opinion.
I think the LW is a far better example of serenity than my man-hungry friend.
Best of luck to you, LW.
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No winning is right
I have to chime in and agree with a poster who mentioned how women can't seem to win either way. If we want to date and aren't successful, we are berated for being a certain age, having kids, or asked if we work out. Now that a single mom is writing for reassurance of her normalcy in being content sans dating, some writers are scolding her for making the children the main focus of her life. HUH????? When did this become a bad thing to do? Her letter to me plainly states that she has a career, friends, and other family. Sounds like a good balance to me, and I think she'll be just fine when her kids leave home. I'll even stick my neck on the guillotine and say that she's a great role model. *GASP*
I'm a 37 year old single (no kids)woman with a rapidly blossoming career and overall full life. I am still on the fence about dipping my toes in the dating pool, often coming to the conclusion that I can't be bothered.
With that said, which one of you smug marrieds wants a piece of me? ;-D
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I guarantee you an AVERAGE woman can find an AVERAGE man her own age willing to give a relationship a shot if: she isn't grossly obese, she isn't so unfit she can't function, and she is genuinely interested in sex
the reality though is that no woman of any age, even those who are very very average, is interested in settling for an average guy; when they are young they can get away with it, when they are older they withdraw from the market.
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Shoutout
This is a shoutout to your correspondent, who could have been me 12 years ago, handicapped kid and all.
My ex also is an abusive, lazy shit. Unlike your correspondent, though, I was very clear from the moment of his departure that I wanted a mate. Not an abusive, lazy-shit roommate, but a mate. Over the years I got involved with men who, I may have known, wanted nothing but the obvious to do with a woman who had 3 children, one of whom is handicapped.
People in miserable marriages tend to ignore the value of mates. This is understandable, and I did it myself. It can take a long time to realize the value of a partner, and maybe your correspondent never will. For myself, 12 years after the departure of the abusive, lazy shit, my youngest is out of the house. I too have productive work that I love. I am engaged to be married, and happily planning for my fiance to move in within the next couple of weeks.
Your correspondent's mother has a point--the children WILL grow up and leave somehow or other, and then your correspondent may well want companionship and a mate. But she should look for one at her own pace, if at all. There is some value to shopping around, and there are lots and lots of wrong men out there to shop. Getting involved with them is a possible, but not strictly necessary, part of getting on with life.
Hang in there, sister.
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Having the time
I am hearing that, for LW, it's all about time and not having enough to take on another big project. And a new relationship is a big project--you have to commit some time to make it work.
And it's very honest and real of LW to admit that she just does not have that time now.
I have dated several guys who I wish had been as wise as LW. Yes they "want" a relationship. But they work 100 hours a week, and travel, and train for triatholons, and can we meet...next July? Or they really are just dying to be with you--but they've committed to being with their kids next weekend. And every weekend, in fact. There is this big disconnect between what they "want" (sex, love, companionship, whatever) and what is real. Can't blame a guy for needing to do other things--but you have to be aware of what you have to give. And LW seems pretty clear on that.
LW, it sounds like you're giving your all, and feeling happy, so enjoy your life. If you find a guy who fits into it, grab him. Otherwise, take care of yourself and your family.
Don't be hard on Mom. She would like to see that somebody has your back. She'd like to see somebody looking after you. She wants you to have somebody to go sit on the porch with when you're old. You cannot blame a mom for this--it goes with the job. You will want the same for your kids when they are grown.
That said, you're a grown-up and it's not for her to set your priorities.