Letters to the Editor
-
Dating Fatigue
Just another dittohead chiming in to support the LW here. I'm in a similar situation (though not quite as extreme). I'm a single/solo father of just one very healthy child whose mom died when he was 2. I have dated sporadically in the intervening 6 years, but it is exhausting. Aside from finding someone who I actually want to date, there are the logistics of finding a sitter, etc etc. After a hard day at a demanding job, most of the time I'd rather just hang with my son and read a book after he goes to bed.
Plus the potential complications of remarrying would be enormous. Trying to integrate a new person into the stable life I have managed to build after several hectic, traumatic years just seems like inviting trouble.
I also get (or got) a lot of advice about finding someone to "take care of" me, and about how I, a mere man, would never be able to raise a small child by myself. Depending on the source, I either a) thank them for their concern, and say 'how nice of you to offer to help. Could you babysit this weekend?' or b) smile and say something like 'yes it would be hard for an average person.'
While it would be nice to be able to model a successful marital relationshiop for our children, some things are just not entirely under our control. Plus, I think the LW is providing an excellent model of fortitude under difficult conditions. That counts for a lot, too!
-
Dating IS a lot of work...
and I'm amused at how many posters here assume that LW would be happier if she was either dating, seeing 1 man exclusively, or remarried.
I didn't marry til age 47, and the worst loneliness I've ever known was during marriage. It took that debacle to teach me that my own life was actually pretty good--better than I gave myself credit for.
Being alone and being lonely are 2 different states. I think LW knows herself far more and better than she credits herself for--and certainly more than her mother does. Think: if LW removed her mother from the picture, would she have these doubts? I think not.
As always, "to thine own self be true," LW--and carry on.
-
Busy single mom
I was the same way - divorced with three children to raise and no time for a dating life - nor did I care. Now the children are all gone, I am alone and it is almost impossible to meet someone now. Think about it.
-
Laurel962 = single-people-hating concern troll
Boy, for someone who extols the joys of matrimony/relationships, you sure have a lot of time on your hands to condemm people who don't want to get hitched. _What_ is your problem, babe? The smugness and outright hostility you feel towards single people comes through in every post you do on this subject--and if someone as busy as myself notices, you can be sure it's right obvious. And for you to cloak it in "I'm only worried that someone as deluded/self-centered as you singles might end up alone and unwanted" syrup just makes your advice even more poisonous-sounding. Come on, 'fess up--marriage hasn't proven the wonderland you thought it was. You can't get over the fact that those selfish single people (like the friend you mention who owned "too big" a house) are happy and thriving. Their happiness just doesn't seem right to you, does it? They didn't abide by the rules, and as a good little wifey you did, so there _must_ be something wrong with them. It couldn't be that your expectations were too high--and that you made marriage your life instead of part of your life, huh?
-
Oh, and Laurel, hon...
...your "insights" are classic insecure "married-bingo" crap. If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were pulling them whole and breathing from Bella DiPaulo's SINGLED OUT--but it's unlikely you would be smart--or tolerant--enough to read it.
http://www.amazon.com/Singled-Out-Singles-Stereotyped-Stigmatized/dp/0312340826/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1201128292&sr=1-2
-
It's a bit presumptuous to say the LW has "disengaged from life"
"Getting hurt in life does not give you permission to disengage from life. Avoiding problems does not make them go away. Most healthy adults know this. I think your mom knows this, and I think you need to listen (with some balance and a sense of humor) to her wisdom."
I don't know where you're getting this idea that the LW is "disengaged from life," Laurel. She has a career she loves, friends, she enjoys her kids, volunteers, etc. -- but apparently none of this counts for you because she doesn't share it with a man. But so what? She sounds a lot more engaged with life than a lot of coupled people who seem to take the attitude that they don't need anything or anyone outside their own little twosomes.
And as other posters have noted, there seems to be an underlying assumption here that if you're single, you're "missing" something and/or something must be wrong with you. News flash: some people like being single. For some people, it's their preferred state. It doesn't make them defective and it doesn't mean they lead diminished lives.
And part of the concern from some of the posters seems to stem from a fear that LW won't be able to "get" a man when she's older, so she'd better snap one up now. In other words, go out of her way to disturb a life she's happy with now to spend time hunting for a man she doesn't particular want to head off being alone later, right? But finding someone now doesn't guarantee she won't be alone later, or maybe she won't want to be in a couple later, either. Is being happily single really such a difficult concept to grasp? And if she did force herself to date, how fair is that to the man involved -- who wants to be with someone who is only with you because that's what they think they're supposed to want, instead of what they actually want?
And then there are the kids. I think it's admirable that the LW makes them a priority in her life, rather than trying to fit them in around whatever guy she's dating. Speaking from experience, it's very difficult for kids to adjust to their parents dating and it can be really, really hard to deal with the new partners their parents may eventually choose. Why should the LW subject her kids to that when doesn't even want to be dating in the first place?