Letters to the Editor
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obviously she doesn't like her ex-husband and as a natural result, for a woman, she isn't really interested in the opposite sex at all
and that's...ok but is there the slightest chance that society will ever deal with the fact that this a natural biological reaction specific to females which should be accepted but should be seen for what it is.
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Your kids will benefit from your choice
Why date if you don't want too? The time will come for that when your kids are up and out.
I work with kids and have been a girl scout leader for the same group of girls for 6 years now. 5 of whom have stepparents. I'm that "trusted adult" that other people's kids confide in.
I can't tell you the struggle kids go through when their custodial parent (usually Mom) brings a man into the mix who now has authority over them (and influence over Mom) in their own home. This seems to be particularly true when the kids are "older kids" like yours.
I am not saying that divorced parents shouldn't date or remarry - I know several families that have made it work beautifully. But note the word "work". It's hard for everyone, the parent, the new partner and especially the kids.
If you are not eager to date, why would you want to invite avoidable stress into your family? Enjoy your job and your kids. They will be grown before you know it.
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I'm a Loner, Dottie, a Rebel
One of my aunts just kind of stopped bothering with men (romantically speaking - she had lots of friends) after she got divorced. The was busy raising her daughters, and being a teacher, and even after her girls grew up I think she was pretty happy spending time alone. She was an independent person who enjoyed her autonomy and solitude, and did also see her family and friends frequently. I always thought the way she lived was pretty cool.
I suppose it's possible that, as Cary says, after your kids grow up you might decide you want someone special in your life again. But people can still date when they get older, can't they? I say don't force it if you aren't feeling it.
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Very straightforward
Easiest letter ever, but Cary gives a good simple answer. You don't want to date, don't date. And your Mom will have her opinion about it but that's her problem. And I'm digging Stuart Smalley and Pee Wee chiming in with their letters, too.
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I feel like the LW...
...and I've never been married. Nor am I a single mother. I'm in my late 30s, working and enjoying hobbies, family and friends. After my last breakup, I just sort of shut down to romantic relationships. I had reached a breaking point with failed relationships. Many of them ended because the man was fooling around with someone else, or not "man" enough to break things off and treated me poorly so *I* would be the "bad guy" and pull the plug.
Yes, I understand that many relationships don't work and that it's nice to stay open to new experiences. But I honestly don't feel like listening to some guy's problems when I am pretty happy on my own.
Maybe I'll change my mind about dating again, but right now, I don't miss the drama that many men have brought into my life because they don't know how to be honest with women. (And yes, I know there are dishonest women out there, but I don't date women -- I can't comment on them! But I do feel for men who have been worked over by dishonest partners, like me. Both genders get it.)
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Hey, dating generally really sucks
Overall, I agree with Cary. Don't want to date? So don't. Honestly, dating is not what it is cracked up to be and if you find your life is fulfilled without it, great. You are good the way you are.
But, as far as the brownie thing goes, try the recipe on the back of a Baker's chocolate box. Takes about 5 minutes longer than a box and SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much bettererererer!
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the reality is that most (or at least a great many) women, even when they aren't divorced, just lose interest in sex, or at least sex that has any cost, after they've got their kids
and men don't. This used to be unoffically admitted, but no longer is so now everyone is trying to fit everyone else into the one "right way" of doing things and it's not working.
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Carey's answer is at least half cynical, no?
You seem to protest too much. Pre-arranged reasons for not falling in love. How can you NOT fall in love or at least be attracted and maybe have relationships? It's just natural fun, and it does not have to involve dating.
You have a great opportunity and a perfect excuse just to fool around and have fun with men. No need whatsoever to get all serious. It's just natural, and just fun.
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The gift horse, and all that
Dear LW, your mama is the only one with a problem here, and a slight one at that.
You, on the other hand, have a great life.
Your letter suggests you are in your mid-forties, which in turn suggests that your mother grew up in an era when women were defined largely by their legal relationships with men. In the fifties and early sixties, a single mother on her own with a career and children was an unnatural state, by society's standards, and to one degree or another largely unacceptable. Women of your mother's era had it hammered into them from the cradle onwards that from every single possible standpoint, the essence of success for a woman is a good marriage.
This was also an era of intense pressure to conform: I don't know if you've ever seen the movie Edward Scissorhands, but the way it opens with the row of cookie-cutter houses is very symbolically correct. It really wasn't mainstream to *show* individual deviation from the norm back then; on the surface you looked, wore, ate, drove and lived in what everyone else did. If you were a single mother, you were pitied... and if you got that way by a means other than widowhood, you were an object lesson. It's just the way things were back then.
I have a feeling that this upbringing may be the origin of your mother's concerns. Not enough to cause her to question your decisions or be less than supportive, but just enough to make her feel that there's still something missing. Just enough to nag at her and make her think you'd be happier with a man in your life.
God bless her for caring! But seriously, if you wanted a guy you'd have initiated the search yourself. I don't think a man could or would add to your life as it is; I think your gut instincts are right on this. Being self-sufficient and free to be who and what you are is not a problem; it's exactly what most of us strive to be!
Cary had it right: you're just fine with you and your kids. When you want to date, you'll know it, and you'll date. But for now, if you are actively *enjoying* your life and your kids, you're way ahead of most. Carry on! :)