Letters to the Editor
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I may need to print this letter and Cary's response...
And save it for when my young children are old enough to need to read it, and the best I can hope for is that when they reach their own awakenings they go slowly as Cary cautioned.
Brilliant LW and brilliant Cary.
LW-- you might want to rent the fascinating film biography about Alfred Kinsey, the sexuality researcher, who experienced his own scientific awakening that ultimately conflicted with his strict religious and repressive upbringing.
Don't feel guilty. Don't even feel like you have to completely abandon your faith if it is an important part of you-- you were gifted with an inquisitive and questioning mind, and you can pray for the insight to reconcile the nuanced realities of the world with religious understanding. But like Cary said, go slowly. Not all sincerely religious folk are caught up in the kind of black and white, dogmatic thinking that you are questioning now.
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Oh, and Beware of Cynics, Too
What is all this Jesus bashing crap? I wasn't there, none of you were there, Jesus may well not have been there,even. The reports were all written second and third-hand, translated numerous times, then edited by a bunch of Romans trying to co-opt the whole Christian movement because it was upsetting what was left of the Empire. So how is it anyone here is so exquisitely familiar what Jesus did, didn't, might have done, or could not possibly have done? One of you decides he was real, for convenience's sake, but was a total prick. Another insists with inflexible authority he never existed in the first place. Others take various positions between those two poles. Theologists, biblical students, historians every one, I'm sure.
That's really helpful to the person who wrote the letter. To a lot of the rest of us, it's just tiresome bullshit from people who are really, really full of themselves. We know the rest: Life sucks and then you die. Well enjoy the dirt bath. I'm living for goddam ever. You can blame yourselves for that.
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Words of caution from a peer
Your letter reads remarkably like posts I made on internet messageboards when I was going through a similar experience at ages 16-17. I am 20 now if it matters to you. You are certainly very intelligent, given the fact that some of the responders don't trust the legitimacy of your letter. I do, because I was met with similar responses when I was asking for help online. In fact, I was quite pleased by it which leads to the advice I have to offer you. Perhaps I'm just projecting my own experience onto yours, but I wish to add a word of caution. Do not get too caught up in the fact that you are unique and wise beyond your years, because it can create a sense of arrogance that can be very destructive.
You are a social animal and you need other people to be happy and grow. Feeling as though you are above most of your peers is going to hamper your ability to form meaningful friendships. Appreciate the good in people, even the dumb ones. I'm learning to do that now and it's helped tremendously. Your comments about wondering if some of your thoughts may be reactionary in nature are promising though. I am not saying any of them are, in fact I doubt so, but the habit of checking yourself for integrity is a healthy one. Aside from that, you seem more aware and modest than I was at your age so I doubt you'll have any problems and I wish you luck!
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Sounds like a smart kid
There is nothing wrong with developing your own independent ideas about the world. That's healthy and I would consider you pretty lame if you *didn't* start developing your own ideas. Don't ever feel bad for questioning what people tell you you're supposed to just accept.
You say, "there's a voice that's telling me I'll burn in hell when I die." That little voice of guilt and fear is just that -- a voice. A little, squeaky, whiny voice. You're not going to burn in hell for exploring thoughts and ideas. If there is a God, then he gave you a mind in order to USE it. The only way you'll be using your mind is if you think things through on your own terms, making sure your values and beliefs and ideologies make sense to YOU.
Personally I think if there is a God, he or she would be profoundly disappointed in all the people who don't ever take the time to question the validity of the things they're pressured to accept as "the way things are." Why give people minds at all, then?
I grew up with only a little pressure from my parents and friends to be Christian. My dad watched religious television constantly -- the PTL channel with Jan and Paul Crouch. Paul Crouch's son did a presentation on backwards masking and other hidden messages in rock music: scary stuff in ELO, Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, Rush, Beatles, and even Eagles albums. The point was supposed to be that this music was harmful to youth, but I tape-recorded the program and listened to it over and over, I was so fascinated by the idea of "hidden messages" in music! I eventually got really into different bands and the intricacy and imaginativeness of their art. Thanks, son of Paul Crouch!
My father would knock on the door while I was listening to weird music and ask me if I was falling under the spell of Satan. I also listened to the Dr. Demento radio show, which bothered my dad because the name "Demento" sounds like "demon." Even then I knew my dad was being ridiculous. But I was diplomatic enough not to get into too many big arguments about it. I loved him and we got along for the most part on other counts. He instilled other values in me that were quite worthwhile. Values and religions are not one and the same. Good values and principles can exist outside of religion, and be shared by people of different religions (or no religion).
Eventually you will go to college or move out, and be free of the direct influence of your parents. You'll have even more time to explore your own thoughts and beliefs. Explore them well. There are a lot of great books out there on the matter. I recommend taking philosophy classes as well. Just because a person isn't religious doesn't mean a person can't have solid ethical standards and care about doing the right things in life. Far from it -- not having God around to tell you what to do puts that much more impetus on you to figure it out.