Letters to the Editor
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postscript
i would add one more thought to cary's letter. don't be afraid to be confused. periods of confusion...about this, about that...are really periods of thinking and sifting through experience. at some point the fog lifts and the confusion recedes. and then there will be confusion about something else. it's a learning thing. and it's lifelong.
best wishes. i'm glad you took the time to write your letter.
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Good Answer, Cary!
It isn't black and white. I grew up a minister's daughter and while I left the faith, I have no resentment of my raising because the Christian faith I was raised with was not morally or intellectually rigid. It was all about love of God, love of each other and doing our best to grow spiritually. I didn't leave because I got mad or felt repressed in mind or body - although I am well aware that other people have felt that way. I really didn't know what fundamentalism was until I went to college. We weren't taught that in our church. I knew my dad didn't approve of it.
Several years ago I went through the process you're going through now, young writer. It WAS very painful at the time. I really grieved for the fact that I couldn't believe anymore. Don't be afraid to follow the push inside. This IS spiritual growth. If this God of love does exist, (s)he will be loving you as you learn. If this personal God of love exists, this could well be his/her will for you, to go through this adventure. And if this God doesn't exist, well, keep going! You've got a sincere heart and you're doing the best with what experiences are coming your way. Trust God, or trust the universe, or trust yourself. Just trust.
And if you do decide to check out Christianity again, remember that there are all sorts of churches out there. There are theologically liberal ones that don't hold to creeds. There are many socially liberal ones that spend their money helping people instead of building big churches. It's just that the outrageous, bossy, loud ones get all the attention.
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Maturing Beyond a Black and White World
I grew up in a conservative Roman Catholic family. While the dogma was not the same as fundamentalism, things were very black and white in my house - some things were good and some things were bad and there was no in between. This thinking shaped how I viewed everything in the world: God, politics, friendships, jobs, colleges, etc. There was good or there was bad.
At some point in high school I began to do just what this young writer has done - I began to see the gray area. I realized that the world is complex and full of subtle differences that are important. It was confusing and to my parents seemed rebellious. But it wasn't rebelliousness, it was just maturity.
In the end (and many years later), I have kept my deep and profound faith in God, but left the Roman Catholic church. I found a home in the Episcopal church, but there are many other denominations and non-denominational churches that will encourage you to grow in faith while you explore the complexities of the human experience.
You are a smart, thoughtful young person who is obviously capable of self-assessment. You can observe the world around you and recognize that what you see and experience does not always match what those in authority are telling you about the world. These are amazing traits that indicate that you are maturing in a healthy way - I know many adults that are not capable of those things.
Best of luck to you.
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Good answer
I wish someone had hammered that into my head in my youth. And the LW seems a very well balanced intelligent young women, I'm sure she'll take it onboard.
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Adolescence
No, LW, you are not a freak, abnormal, or anything like that.
What you are going through is called adolescence--the process of becoming an adult. However, you will soon learn that not all adults go through normal adolescent development. Many remain children in their mental processes all their lives. Or they may only partially make the transition.
You are on the right track and will grow up to be one of the leaders of our society, one of the professionals or managers who have to make decisions for the welfare of others. You will have a lot of responsibility in your life, so prepare yourself.
Welcome to the club.
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God, if there is one, can handle doubt and questions
I am a Christian with lots of questions, including whether God exists. I figure he/she can handle it.
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Painful, normal, and (usually) temporary.
It's painful and lonely, but it's normal, and it will most likely pass. I grew up in a similar household, and when I was in high school I started to have questions: why should only Christians go to heaven? why, when all my bunkmates at church camp felt driven to go down to the altar at the end of the service, didn't I feel the same compulsion? why was preserving sexual purity more important than alleviating poverty? And on and on and on. It only got worse in college, when I met *gasp* gay people for the first time and realized they were impossible to distinguish from everyone else, they were nice, and some of them attended my liberal Protestant church. Oh, and then I fell in love with an atheist and ended up marrying him.
All this really, really bothered my mother, especially the atheist son-in-law part. Drove her to tears and mad, raving screeds sent to me in the mail. And it was upsetting to me. I loved my parents, and yet what I was learning--all my new beliefs and values that made perfect sense to me--was driving a wedge between us. There were arguments and silences and long, tense, polite superficial conversations. And yet--
And yet, somehow, we got through it, and the realization that life is short and people who love you are priceless made it possible for these things to no longer matter. Now, when I see Mom or talk on the phone with her and one of these things comes up, one or the other of us will say, "You know how I feel about this stuff," and we let it drop and go on to a much more mutually satisfactory topic of conversation, like Mom's crazy neighbor's daughter's disastrous marriage, or loony Mike Huckabee (Can you BELIEVE that guy? Oh, yes, my mother's a Democrat *and* an evangelical.)
This distancing--it's going to happen. It's got to. It's part of growing up. For you, it might turn out to be surprisingly mild and relatively painless. Maybe your parents will amaze you by being much more tolerant of differing views than you imagined, because everything else about you will turn out just fine. Or maybe they'll react even more violently than my mother did. I'd be remiss not to caution that there's a slight chance that you'll always feel alienated, that they'll never accept your difference, but I think that's not all that likely.
Not to proselytize, but you really sound like you might be a Unitarian-Universalist unawares. When you get to college, check out your local UU congregation or fellowship and see if you fit there. Or, as another letter-writer suggests, try some liberal Christian congregations, like the UCC, the Quakers, some Episcopalian parishes...there are even socially progressive RC churches, if you're of that persuasion. Whatever you do, find a multigenerational congregation. It was comforting to me to have older folks whom I could look up to, while things weren't completely sympatico with my mother. Because you know, then, that other people question and doubt, too, and it's reassuring to know that they turned out just fine.