Letters to the Editor
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re: CocoMademoiselle - internal power struggles
So, are you just lazy, or do you actively rebel against cleaning? Have you ever hesitated to bend over and pick something up off the floor that would take exactly half of one second to pick up off the floor and toss? Felt paralyzed with dread at the thought of scrubbing a bathtub?
Because I used to be like that. It wasn't just cleaning; it was homework, when I was in grade school. Sometimes I would actually finish the homework, then perversely not turn it in, because turning it in felt like surrendering to something that was trying to kill me. I grew out of the homework issue, but the housework issue persisted.
What cured me (well, cured is a relative term) was the discovery of two pieces of paper in my childhood "treasure box." One was a report card; the other was a vitriolic letter I had written to my parents. They were dated one day apart. I remember the occasion on which the letter was written vividly. My parents had beaten me until I curled up in a fetal position on the floor, then kicked me in the head because I "sassed" my mother after accidentally knocking over a glass of milk. I wasn't in a position to tell them what I thought of them, so I put my feelings in a letter. The report card had a long string of straight A's followed by the notation, "She doesn't turn in her homework."
A light clicked on. Back in the bad old days, I wasn't able to actively defy my parents, but I could passively defy them. The terrible feeling I got that if I turned in my homework I was surrendering to something huge and soul-crushing was there because I was in a battle with something huge and soul-crushing.
Once I knew this, the housework problem wasn't solved, but it was my problem and I had the tools to fight it. When I feel that paralysis now, I can say to myself, "You are not that little girl; you don't have to prove anything to anyone; you can clean up the house because you want to do it." This has helped immeasurably.
So, the best advice I can give is that if you really do hate cleaning because of an internal power struggle, first you have to figure out who it is you're really fighting.
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get tested AND clean
Please, LW, also get tested for the depression and for attention deficit disorder. They're often linked and could make basic things like housework ("executive function" tasks) seem insurmountable. If your husband is willing, bring him too. I hope he's willing.
Cary's right: You do have to clean the house if you're going to have a good marriage. If neither of you cared, it wouldn't matter. But you care. And your husband is married to you. The mess isn't just about you. It's the life of your family. Don't blame anyone. Just get in there and do it, both of you. Good luck!
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when your kids spill their cereal, you get down on the floor and wipe it up
when i spilled water on my kitchen floor two nights ago, I got down on the floor and wiped it up. Then I went crazy. I wiped up all the foor. I kept spilling water so I would keep having to wipe it up. now my knees are all bruised but my house is clean and I can exhale.
slovenliness is not okay. it is not okay for your or anyone's mental health. you need to look at the root of your messiness. I'm betting the reason the house is allowed to get to that point because you don't have STORAGE SOLUTIONS.
sometimes, you have to spend a little money. spend a little money and go to the container store. Install three rows of coat hooks. buy an electric drill if you don't have one. your basement husband no doubt likes to use electronic or mechanical equipment, so maybe installation can be his job. buy a laundry basket for each member of the household. bring everything you don't use to the back porch and leave it there. just get it OUT of the house. put it in your car trunk if you have to. you have too much stuff, you must leave the house. buy a scrapbook you can easily stuff papers in and a file folder that holds multiple categories. go on a shopping trip and then put the stuff in the other stuff.
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Cleanliness is not a moral issue
There are so many posters here who are very caught up in it being about "doing the right thing" and other admonishments, it's pretty ridiculous. Cleaning or not cleaning has nothing to do with whether someone is a good person or cares about their children.
I personally wonder what type of message it sends to children to hire a maid for something instead of cleaning up the mess you made on your own. How does that teach them to solve their own problems and work through their own messes as adults? This is the one thing that has kept me from hiring a maid service - I want my children to learn to do these things themselves and to see me as an example of someone who cleans up my own mess without a paid service to come bail me out (both literally and metaphorically). If sometimes it gets cluttered more than other times, it's always the people who actually caused the problem who correct it.
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This is about more than cleaning, obviously
And people don't just "become" neat.
But you know, being single for way too long, and having been married, I'm looking at this from another perspective. People write to Cary all the time about "my husband won't do laundry", etc.. The other day I overheard co-workers complaining about how their husbands "just can't do anything right", for example, putting the clothes from the cleaners in the trunk instead of hanging it up in the car.
My response? Honey, if I don't pick up the cleaning, it doesn't get picked up.
Someone posted a letter about solving their cleaning issues by sharing duties with their husband, and enumerated the duties. Honey, if I don't do all of those - from earning all the money to housecleaning to bringing in groceries to managing finances to maintaining the car - it doesn't get done.
I remember how easy it is to fall into a rut when we're married, to take our spouses for granted and complain about stuff like how they arrange dishes in the dishwasher. But I'm really fed up listening to married folks complaining about this little shit and forgetting the absolute treasure they have in someone who wants to share their lives!
This LW needs to work on her marriage, and on issues about sharing parenting duties, etc. My ex berated my cleaning skills when I was working full time and had a toddler. He actually got a friend's wife to "show" me how to clean - we came for a barbeque and I "coincidentally" she was cleaning her bathroom and I ended up following her around as she "casually" explained cleaning supplies and methods. Years later I wish I'd said to my husband "When is your friend going to show you how to earn more money so I don't have to work?" I mean, if he expected me to live inside some antiquated gender role, why couldn't he?
But I'd like to think that, after dealing with literally EVERYTHING for years without assistance or anyone to even discuss it with, I'd be a better partner now, I wouldn't take him for granted and berate his small quirks.
A few months ago someone complained that her husband wouldn't do laundry. A commenter said "strip off all your clothes and fuck on the pile of laundry" - because laundry is a bullshit problem if your marriage is otherwise good. Love one another and find a solution to these issues before they destroy your relationship.
In this instance, LW has serious marriage issues. If clutter and dirt in the house are keeping her from facing her depression or solving her marriage issues, then by all means focus there first. Get "messy house" out of the way so you can deal with yourself and your marriage. Get the house cleaned by professionals and then sit down with hubby and talk about what really matters: your relationship. Do you love one another? Do you want one another to be happy? If you both do, you can get help and work together. Get counseling for yourself too.
At least I'd like to believe it's possible for partners to ride this stuff out and keep loving one another, or I'm converting to strict onanism.