Letters to the Editor
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Is it Dirty or Messy or both?
There's a big difference.
A dirty house has too much dirt. It needs vacuuming, dusting, washing, etc.
A messy house has too much stuff in the wrong places. Or just too much stuff. It needs organizing.
And of course a house can be both.
Unfortunately, some folks use "dirty" when they really mean "messy", and "clean up" when they really mean "organize".
You can easily hire people to clean a dirty house. It's cheaper and faster than therapy or lawyers. If that's the problem, just do it.
But a messy house is a different story. Organizing is fundamentally something *you* have to do. You can hire someone to help you get organized, but if you don't buy into it and change *yourself* the results won't last.
I suspect LW's house is more messy than dirty. And that the answer to LW's question is "E".
First step is to identify if the house is dirty or messy or both.
Hubby says he wants to work together to have a "clean" house. LW says she wants that too. Take him up on it and hire whatever help is needed. Cheaper than therapy or lawyers. And you'll get both the house and the relationship back.
But it's really not about the spouse. It's about LW. For some people, being neat and/or clean comes naturally, for others they are difficult skills that take a lot of work to learn. The INTP stuff is for-real.
You can't control a spouse but you can control yourself. And if the spouse leaves you'll still have to deal with the same messes.
Relationships are often dominated by the circle-of-blame feedback loop that Cary describes. LW can break the circle and influence spouse by actions, not words.
Here's what has worked for me:
Deal with my resentment by telling myself, over and over, that *I* want a house that's a certain way, and that I'm doing it for myself. Not for the spouse, not for the kids, but for me.
Decide what goes where. If there's too much stuff, decide what has to go and get rid of it.
Break the job up into small parts. Taking on the whole house is overwhelming? Take on one room, or one closet, or one desk, whatever, and work on it until it's done. Then do another.
No time or energy? Take a good hard look at what the time and energy are spent on and make some cuts. I used to cook every night, which made a mess and used up time and energy. Then I learned to make planned-overs (intentional leftovers) and reclaim more than an hour a day and fewer messes.
Get containers for stuff. Lots of them. Make big clear labels for them. Get a big trash can, recycling can, give-to-Goodwill can and lots of bags for them. Get rid of junk, put good stuff in labeled containers. If you don't use something often, get rid of it or put it away in the attic, etc.
Get the kids involved. 3 year olds can put dirty clothes in the dirty-clothes bag. 4 year olds can set the table and clear it. Etc. They live there, they have chores.
Make a chore list and reward yourself, the kids and the spouse for following it.
Look critically at how messes get started. Little kids spill stuff on the living room rug? New rule: No food outside the kitchen/dining room.
It's not easy or quick. But it can be done.