Letters to the Editor
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The Partner
Reading over letters does often make me think of things I hadn't thought of before and sometimes I change my mind. But what strikes me this time is that I think a lot of folks are too hard on the partner (I'm using "he" for the partner for purposes of probability, but it works the same either way). I find her explanation - that he's a nice guy who liked his ego stroked, but since his relationship with the LW has become committed, he's having trouble finding ways to head off the Other Woman. That sounds like Real Life to me.
The problem in that scenario is not that they had a friendly, flirtatious relationship before partner was committed; everybody likes to be flirted with, and there's nothing wrong with that. There are many degrees of intention behind flirtation. Apparently her degree is high on the scale, and maybe his was too, but now his degree has changed. I don't think there's any reason to doubt this, because he's obviously not keeping secrets - LW says she knows it all in detail. That, to me is the telling fact.
He just finds himself in an awkward position now, because OW isn't appropriately recognizing his new situation and respecting it. She is lacking in the social graces and sensitivity department. And he still likes her - of course he does, things like that don't change so quickly - and is not being as firm as he should be. Remember, he's a nice guy. There's certainly no suggestion of his being a two-timer.
When one relationship becomes serious, that doesn't mean all others (friendship, flirtation, whatever) cease to have ever existed. His other relationships deserve respect to, and in cases like this they have to evolve. Only OW is not being a good sport about this and because of that, I'd say it needs to end. But jeez, folks, as happy as we might be with our partners, we're always going to have attractions to other people as well. That is normal, and it's a nice thing. Keeps us young. You can't keep your partner in bubble wrap.
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Flirtations versus actually being a cheating bastard
I wouldn't worry too much about the squeeze. Your relationship seems sound enough and he seems honest enough that he told you about this, and also told you that it took a turn he wasn't expecting (i.e. she took the flirting seriously while he just liked the attention.) That makes him a little bit of a jerk in this one situation, but not a dealbreaker by any stretch of the imagination.
I had an ongoing flirtation with this guy once, he singled me out for attention when I went into where he worked (at least weekly), engaged in lots of little things like poking, hair pulling, tickling me as he walked past, etc. -- small intimacies that I mistook (not unreasonably) for actual interest. Turns out he was engaged the whole time and he never mentioned it. So, I was really hurt and pissed for a while because I thought he was on the level (and also because it caused me to doubt my perception of what was going on -- did I just invent it all?), but because I am also a more-or-less reasonable person I figured well hell, he was about to get married and that brings out all kinds of weird emotions in people, not limited to cold feet and a fear that your fiancee is only marrying you because you've been together for so long and not because you're still desirable. [And by the way to anyone who recognizes my name from earlier threads, this is *not* the friend at work who also did the crossing-the-physical-boundary flirting thing -- different guy, same total lack of actual interest :( ] I was right there to give him attention and let him know in my blushing, stammering way that yes indeed he was a very good looking man who was also interesting to talk to and have a few laughs with.
Look, everyone wants to feel desired; its flattering and it makes us feel human. Not everybody has the rock-hard self-confidence that the Salonista letter forum contributers think we should have, and its easy to wonder if your spousal-equivalent is only still with you out of habit, and not because you really have anything special to offer.
He may have dragged it on too long, but from the description I don't think he expected her to take it as seriously as she did. Hindsight is 20/20, etc. She's here now and he needs to use his clout as the client to get her to stop. I liked Allie's suggestion of calling the regional distributor and asking them to send a new rep as the current one is not working out to their satisfaction. If she shows up again, then you have a bona fide stalker and can deal with it without the concerns of the business angle getting in the way.
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Kitchengirl
I respectfully disagree with you about MILF. It doesn't mean she's likely a hot young thing - the "mother" implies not only "mom," but a woman of a certain age. The reason it's insulting is that it's a declaration that, unlike MOST moms of a certain age, this one is still fuckable.
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Work within the system
If the stalker is using workmail, she's in violation and can be reported.
If there's a pattern of stalking and it extends to you and she's not using workmail, report her to her ISP.
THEN, deal with your partner. Work be damned: there's lots of salespeople who'd be happy for a big order, so she's expendable. Either he's too nice for his own good, or you've got troubles.
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Terminology
MILF is generally a complementary term. I took her use of it to mean the woman is attractive (certainly, if she was a drug rep she would be).
You would rprobably rather be described as a MILF, instead of a MIWFWBD (IMO).
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How to Play Hardball
To: V.P. Sales, BigTicket Inc.
CC: Ms. Adeline Cougar
bcc: Mr. Longterm Partner
Dear V.P.:
I am sorry to inform you that your sales rep, Ms. Adeline Cougar, has invaded the privacy of Mr. L. Partner, purchasing officer at Wimpitron, Inc. Mr. Partner is recuperating from an illness and wishes to be undisturbed during his absence from the workplace. For reasons best known to herself, she has obtained my email address and attempted to discuss his health issues with me. As I am neither a customer of your corporation nor an employee of Mr. Partner's company, I consider this action highly inappropriate. Further communication by Ms. Cougar will not be welcomed and will reflect poorly on your corporation and products.
Sincerely,
Ms. I. Bystander
A few people have raised doubts about the partner's gender, but LW used masculine pronouns and the word "guy" to described him. Also, LW says that it was the female sales rep who used the word "competition."
Bottom line: if you want to play hardball, go directly to the employer. As someone else noted, if the sexes were reversed this behavior would be easily seen as sexual harassment.