Letters to the Editor
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@unzipyourmind & anonymous who agrees
Cougar would only be an appropriate term if the woman was in her mid 40s or more and her "prey" were in his 20s. (Its more about the guy being young than just a difference in age of 15 years or more. And you need to be at least 40 to be a cougar but it has more to do with attitude and dress than anything. A young looking 40 something isn't necessarily a cougar even if she's dating a hot, young man.)
We know none of this, other than that she's a mother. So cougar would not be a better word to use without further knowledge. "Cougar" has been around for over 5 years or more and only became popular lately, hence all the people confusing its meaning.
This whole letter annoys me, as her calling the woman a MILF. I thought only guys could determine if a woman was a MILF so why is she using the term? She does sound very young.
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Sales Rep?
"A woman who reps big-ticket products to my partner.."
This sounds like a sales oriented relationship where the "partner" is the customer and the "milf" is the vendor.
If this is the case, then partner needs to get a clue. This isn't a typical professional relationship. Since this is a 'big ticket' product, then the sales people tend to be "professional" and like to pitch the professional "relationship" as more of a partnership, a win/win, etc. Which can be fine, etc. But the buyer/customer has all the cards in this "relationship" and big ticket = money and there is absolutely no reason the partner should take any shit from a rep.
I worked for a company that had a reputation for being merciless with suppliers. Professional, polite, etc. -- only merciless regarding terms and conditions. The idea that you would ever take any shit from a supplier would be ridiculed. If known, it would be a career limiting event.
This isn't difficult. Since this tends to be sort of a "creative" column that tends to look down on crass commerce compared to the higher callings, etc. maybe people don't get it. But sometimes business is so much easier, and money clears everyone's mind. Partner just needs to clarify the situation. If this woman is attractive...a true milf....then she won't have any problem finding another person to f. But she will have a very hard time finding another big ticket customer.
You can have more difficult problems in a business environment, like mentors or too bad to keep/too good to fire, etc. But a supplier?????
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You will never regret being a lady
This is really spooky - I have a friend going through something similar right now. Do I know you, LW?
Best advice my grandfather gave me was this: just because someone is acting a certain way doesn't mean that you have to as well. She might be provoking you, but you don't have to respond.
Reply and cc your partner. That way, you're making your partner present and aware of what you've said. No chance of misrepresentation or misunderstanding. Having your partner receive your reply will also keep you acting like a lady at a time it can be very difficult.
You want to be kind but confused as to why she's emailing you directly, as you have no relationship with her and didn't give her your email. Ask if you have a mutual friend who might have passed it on. Be polite, but put her on the spot about how she got hold of you. You want to find a Miss Manners approved way to leave her no option but to reply and let you know, or for your partner to take it that one step further. Talk to her just like you'd talk to some dotty old great aunt. Well-meaning, slightly silly, maybe not up on e-etiquette.
Do not, whatever you do, put an edge the tone of your email. Doing that validates her as some kind of threat, and it demeans you.
Say she's just a reflexive kind of flirt who genuinely doesn't mean anything by it. In that case, you writing an email with a biting edge back to her would be like using a machine gun to kill gnats at a picnic.
Say she's the evil, conniving, stop at nothing kind of bitch you say she is. Send her an email with a cold or bitchy tone, and you've just handed her ammo to forward on to other people to badmouth you as a psycho bitch. And to feed her ego that she's worth that kind of a reply. Email lives forever, you know. Do you trust this woman to not quote your email out of context or misrepresent you or the situation if she wanted sympathy and forwarded it on? (see how I was asking about her husband's welfare and she breathed fire back at me?) Think about it.
Cary's half right. The problem isn't her, it's your man. Unless she's delusional, she wouldn't be making assumptions that she didn't have cues to make. I don't know if your guy is egging her on or not, but I'm saying that he does sound ambivalent. He probably isn't interested in her if it has dawned on her that he might need to be bought.
But I don't care what kind of zenned out New Man you have, there is going to be a tiny bit of his brain that starts whooping like a fratboy at the idea of two women sparring over him. I'm a little suspicious of him telling you about her "competition" thing - especially if he knew beforehand that she makes you uncomfortable. Why not just sort it out with her right then and there, particularly if she's annoying him? ("Competition? For what? You girls entering a contest or something?") Most guys I know like to minimise their household drama, particularly jealous drama, not feed it.
The other half of the problem is you, my dear. If she's really trying to get with your guy, how sad is she that she'd have to buy him? You can't control what she says or does, or even how your guy reacts. But you can draw lines on your own behaviour and responses. She might show up naked to your house and try to seduce your man on the couch, but if you treat her like a confused mental patient who's entered your house and needs to get a taxi back to the facility, you've won that particular battle. You treat her with compassion and pity, you take away her sexual and other power and show your own. If your guy is stoking any kind of flames, of jealousy or desire, and you react to this woman as if she's more to be pitied than censured, any interest he might have will wane.