Letters to the Editor
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DILFS
DILF (Dad I'd Like to F**k) I'm sure it has already been coined, but if not, please give proper attribution :-)
No, no, no!
The correct term is DILDO: Dad I'd like to Do
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Is it just me...
... or would this article have been WAY better if the headline had been "My partner is being MILFed by a troll in stockings?"
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Dildo is correct
As is "manther"
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Dildo
Daddy I'd Like to DO. Ha! Hysterical.
What's interesting in these situations is the way the MILF is characterized by the BF, as calling the LW "competition" and being an unwanted suitor.
I'm sure while this guy was dating both of them (c'mon get real, that's what's going on here) the MILF's discussions of her sad past were greeted with compassion by the parter - but now that he's decided to go with the LW, he ridicules them as pathetic. He welcomed (and likely responded to) the MILF's advances, but portrays them to the LW as "unwanted".
It's entirely possible the MILF feels something proprietary towards the partner and is fixated - but not necessarily without reason.
I've had a flirtation with a married guy at work. I'm a MILF (but his wife is only a couple years older than I am and I have no idea what she looks like).
I won't have a physical affair with him but we got quite close emotionally. Still, I know that if she found out, right under the bus I'd go - instead of the woman he claims to have fallen for (but alas I can't leave my wife), I'd be portrayed to his wife as some nutty lonely chick at work who whines about her sad past.
"Gee, honey, I have no idea why she even talks to me! She's so lonely she must have lost her mind and imagines we have some sort of relationship!"
Knowing this, I can imagine something similar could be going on with LW and her partner. His once nice friend and/or lover (or something in between) must be portrayed as a loony, deluded old broad pursuing him for no reason he can discern.
Sure. Just ask yourself how she got your full name and/or e-mail address . . . it's likely he's spoken about you to her as the third wheel at certain points before he chose you over her, just like he speaks of her to you.
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Mr. Tennis is right! Plus, always take the high road
In his impish way, Mr. Tennis is absolutely right. LW's problem is entirely with her partner. And, truth be told, there may be a bit more to this situation than she'd like to think.
A little clue is in there: "He's since become uncomfortable with her, mostly since our relationship became committed and the MILF began referring to me as her 'competition.'"
So, partner had a little flirtation (at least) going on there. This didn't just come out of nowhere. That doesn't mean that MILF isn't getting carried away, but let's tell it like it is.
The main thing is that this isn't LW's fight. Certainly it feels as though it is, but it isn't. It is with the partner and his respect for LW. He needs to handle this or it's trouble.
Better to not respond to emails or phone calls. If LW meets the MILF on the street, she should be moderately polite.
Believe me, feeling secure in your relationship is the best way to handle anyone who has an interest in your partner.
LW, retain your dignity and you will come out ahead in the long run.
BTW, I've seen plenty of women get kicked to the curb when they became hysterical and abusive about another woman's flirtation. A woman crazy with jealousy isn't fun to live with, especially when there's someone "fun" ready, willing and able.
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Cary's right: make it clear to your partner that this is his chore!
Cary's take is the correct one. There are roles here. LW's job is to communicate to her partner that she is not happy with the behavior of professional contact/troll lady (PC/TL). Partner's job is to take steps to make LW happy again.
If he's smart, he'll make it clear to PC/TL that contacting LW was totally uncool. He'll use it as an opportunity to demonstrate his loyalty and to change their dynamic from overly friendly to formerly-overfriendly-currently-kind-of-awkward-and-distant-due-to-that-time-you-embarrassed-yourself-by-inappropriately-contacting-my-partner.
It can only happen if you're upfront with him about how not okay with this you are. Right now you are the only one who has a problem with the situation. Make your problem his problem. Be assertive with him. It's his role to deal with PC/TL. Make him do his chores, as Cary said.
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You -- YES YOU -- are INSANELY DENSE.
Hut up for a second and think hard here. What in the OP indicates that the LW is a woman?
Srsly. Re-read the letter. There is no indication that the LW is a woman. The LW may well be a gay man. In fact, I think it probable.
So until we know more, y'all would do well to put away your snap judgments about the LW. "Ooh catfight", "I hate girls who squabble over men, it's so desperate" etc. Because these assumptions are making almost all of you look REALLY DUMB, not to mention kinda sexist and myopic.
You people are embarrassing yourselves here.
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My advise/opinions
First, regarding the email, you have two options, one, just ignore it. You can pretend it went to Junk folder, but if she put a "alert when read" attachment on the email, she'll know you read it, especially if her purpose was to get a rise out of you and knows that you are ignoring her on purpose. So if it were me, I would just politely respond, thanks for your well wishes, but this is my personal email and I would appreciate you directing all business correspondence to boyfriend@mail.com and cc him on it. Don't ask her how she got your email, pretend you don't give a damn.
This politely lets her know that you aren't friends and that you think nothing more of her than as a co-worker of your partner and you aren't threatened by her commications with him.
My husband gets hit on fairly frequently, it is indeed up to him to give the brush off. Everywhere I go I always hear from men and women, oh I've heard so much about you, it's really nice to meet you. When we were engaged he went on and on about his upcoming nuptuals, to signal to anyone, I'm off the market, thanks! I feel like if he wants to cheat, if he wants the attention, he'll take it, it's up to him to make it clear to other women he's not interested. If it comes from me, they'll just see it as a weakness in the relationship and use it as an attack method. Usually just being able to sense insecurity on your part means they continue, if they sense no insecurity, you aren't worried he'll leave you or cheat, sometimes that makes them give up.
One girl was trying to show how desirable she was by going on and on about her "stalker" in front of my husband, straight out of the Clueless/Emma tactics, always getting him to try and notice her big J. Lo booty always trying to get him to notice her, being extra super nice to me and saying stuff like your man is so funny, your so lucky, I wish I could have a guy like him, he's rather clueless(yes he is, he didn't even know when I was hitting on him for months until I just outright asked him out)so I told him what she was doing, he was like really? I said uh huh and the next time she mentioned something about her butt, he said no one cares about your huge ass, will you stop mentioning it. You could see her face fall, it was hilarious.
I don't think your partner is a cheat at all for various reasons, like he's told you about her, and he's obviously made it very clear to her that you exist, probably his lame attempt at getting her to back off.
Now, my theory on why men are wusses to come ons is that men are not used to it. Now ladies, you know, ever since you hit puberty you've been fending off unwanted advances and have numerous different tactics for giving guys the cold shoulder and telling them to piss off. Men as the general pursuers are not as familiar with the brush off as we are, they can become rather befuddled when harmless flirting turns into oh, my marriage sucks will you please be my bed buddy?
They don't want to be mean if they are a nice guy, so you can say hon, I know you aren't that familiar with the brush off so here are some tactics you could try to get her to back off.
A. Call her company and ask for a new sales rep. He could help that along by sending her company the email she sent you and say I believe sales rep X has overstepped her boundaries by contacting my girlfriend when I was on sick leave, please send a new rep.
B. Next time she mentions something about you being competetion he could say something like, well if there was a competition, she won and you totally lost, why don't you go call your husband or something. Next time she brings up her crappy marriage, have him say well get a divorce then, why are you whining to me about it. He has to find ways to let her know that he is not interested in her personal life, that he doesn't care about her. He could play the why are you telling me this stuff card, lets get back to business.
C. Tell her that her overtures are not wanted and if she doesn't stop her "flirting" that he will have to file a sexual harrasment charge, which can be tricky if at any point he was flirting back with her and he didn't realize that he was egging her on or was just reveling in the attention and it can turn into an ugly he said/she said deal that could harm his reputation at the company too.
So chillax girl(I'm assuming you're a woman), your man either loves you and wants only you or he doesn't. So if you give him the helpful hints of how to rid yourself of unwanted attention and he follows them, awesome. If he doesn't want to, well then you have your answer, he cares more about having his ego stroked than your feelings and you may want to look elsewhere and leave him to the MILF or Cougar while you find a man with a spine or a less wandering soul. Or the last, least likely but possible reason, he has slept with her, can't tell you that, so has gone about calling her a MILF, she's making him uncomfortable and he can't get rid of her, she's nuts, blah, blah, blah. Though her contacting you personally does signal a little nuttiness.